My husband is depressed, and I'm doing all the wrong things

Today I'm concerned about my husband. I have a chronic depressive illness, but unless I've missed it before, I've never seen him depressed. Well, he's depressed. He even said it. He, who cannot put a name on his feelings. He, who when asked what emotion he felt in a certain situation will answer instead with what action he took, because the word "feel" doesn't compute.

He had called me on his lunch hour at work, as he always does, and I caught it in his voice. I observed that he sounded depressed, and he acknowledged that he is. Later, when he came home, he noted that although he thinks he has to do everything around here and nobody's helping, he realizes that's not realistic because we're all doing the best we can do. "I have to do everything around here," is merely the thought he has because he's depressed. He actually used that word, "I'm depressed."

And I find myself doing all the wrong things. Thinking I should be able to do something to fix it and cheer him up. Feeling frustrated because whatever it is he needs, I can't provide it. Begging him to be happy because I love him, when I know it's not about that. These are automatic responses because I know how much depression hurts, and I absolutely hate the thought of him feeling that.

Last night, when he was telling me how frustrated he was over a certain situation, I (wrong move!) asked him what he wanted from me. He darn near cried. "I don't want anything from you." High pitch, tight voice. The most emotion I've ever heard from him. Understand, he's not a crier. Normally he's stoic and unemotional. Sometimes I compare him to a Vulcan. If he's showing me that he's in pain, he's in a LOT of pain. I just hugged him.

When the shoe is on the other foot, I know there's nothing anybody can fix to make me suddenly happy again. I know that being told to be happy is not at all helpful. Yet all I want to do is fix it, and I suppose that's how others feel when I'm depressed too.

The way you describe how the "you do you feel" thing doesn't compute and how he cannot describe his emotions and he's stoic, unemotional and vulcan-like reminds me of alexithymia... I don't know if you've heard of it but it sounds like it may be relevant to his situation and wikipedia has a good article about it if you are interested. I am a lot like that too... anyways I don't know if that helps at all. Good luck

Sometimes it is harder for the loved ones. It took my husband a long time to convince me to go to therapy. It took me even longer to be able to create a list of safe things for him to do to comfort me. I did actually make a list.

The most important thing he learned is to say "what can I do to help you". When your husband is in a stable frame of mind it might be good to ask him what makes him feels safe. When he has an episode you can refer back to the list and it will take the pressure off of you to come up with the right thing off the top of your head.

I hadn't heard of alexithymia before, but it does sound like him. He hurts, but he doesn't communicate it. The only difference I can spot is, the article says people with alexithymia tend not to have an imagination, and that doesn't describe him.

I wonder if there is something going on in the environment. Nephew who lives with us has just told me he's in the throes of a depression too. So am I, and obviously so is my husband. We're all operating on an impairment here.

Hubby is the same way about back pain, which I didn't know he had until recently. I wish he'd ask for help, but because I have physical disabilities, he'd felt obligated to do the chores himself without telling me he was having any problem. Well, if something is too much for one of us alone, a lot of times we can work together as a team, and get it done without hurting ourselves.

I did read a study recently where they found alexithymia correlated with lower creativity but not lowered imagination... anyways I wouldn't get caught up with that one thing if he/you want to look into it as something he needs help with or whatever.

That was nice of him to work through his pain to do the chorse so you didn't have to. He sounds like a really good man who cares a lot about you He sounds kind of like me and I don't like being pushed to share my feelings because it's hard for me and a lot of time I don't know what to say about it really. If he's like me then don't press him hard to explain his depression and stuff, just be supportive and kind without being emotionally confrontational maybe. Good luck, hope you guys feel better - maybe it's something in the water

He's a very good man.

With the back pain, he never told me, but after a while I started noticing things like a wince or a little groan, or not being able to straighten up after bending over. Finally he told me his back hurts him a lot. He just doesn't mention it. I told him he should. I can at least get him some ibuprofen and a heating pad, or he can go soak in a tub instead of watching a movie with me, or I can even give him a back rub. At the very least, I wouldn't ask something of him if I know he's hurting.

And now he tells me it's the same with the depression. He's been depressed before, but doesn't tell me. With that alexithymia he most likely has, it's very hard for me to read him. He's like Clint Eastwood, or Keanu Reeves, or Kristen Stewart, or any other actor who's often accused of having only one facial expression. He also usually has only one tone of voice, which is why it came through loud and clear last night when his usual "sound" was so different. And if his body language is hard to read, his vocabulary is nonexistent. He cannot communicate any emotion verbally. The conversation usually goes like this:

"How did you feel when your ex-wife did that?"
"I told her not to do it again."
"Well, were you sad, annoyed, or what?"
*shrug* "I just told her not to do it again."

"How would you feel if I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my leg?"
"I'd get you to the hospital."

He always replaces "feeling" with "doing," and he cannot comprehend that he's not actually answering the question that was asked. We used to have a lot of these conversations, until it became obvious that it isn't going to change. For him, it isn't merely learning a foreign language. It's more like a snake trying to knit a sweater. The snake doesn't have the concept. Or the necessary appendages.

Heya... I don't really know what to do in this situation.. but I got a few ideas.

Can't you try to communicate emotions with something else than words. From what you said, I'm actually doubtful it will work but it could be worth a try. You could try to use pictures of human facial expressions. A lot of people love using smileys you know..

Rather than saying "What do you want from me?" you could try to say "Is there anything I can do for you?". Then...I don't know...if it was me I would probably say "No" but would highly appreciate a comeback like "Ok. But I'm just here for then like always ".... I hope you get what I mean.. xD

Depression can arise from all sorts of strange reasons. Some people just feel down and don't know why. It could be that he doesn't get all the nutrition he needs... minerals and stuff.

Myself I usually get a lot of anxiety when an exam is closing in...although I don't always feel that it is because of the exam I do feel this way... it is just a "strange" coincidence. For example I might feel highly prepared and don't feel like a "fail" will cause that much problem.. but I still get more anxious the closer it gets.

He could feel depressed because of an recent event even though he doesn't know himself that it is linked to it.

You probably already know all this but I just want to make sure that communicating emotions won't necessarily make you find the cause.

Wish you well..

It TOTALLY sounds like he is alexithymic to me

I think I am alexithymic and the thing you said in your original post where he is really disconnected and stoic but then got choked up about saying something to you when he is upset sounds a lot like me. That is the pushed down emotions swelling up out the the giant hole that has been dug to contain them I think

And with the conversation you describe I always have the need to transmute emotional problems into practical ones... like trying to address emotional issues with logical explanations and concrete action-based solutions.

Even if you feel like he isn't supportive enough in an "emotional" way to you sometimes the fighting through his back pain to do the chores because he knows you are hurting physically is probably very illustrative of his love for you (and if necessary should be accepted in place of mushy-type romantic stuff which may outside of his emotional range). He might not be super-romantic but I bet he loves you is loyal as hell, would surely jump in front of a bullet for you without a second thought

For sure. He's a wonderful husband.