[samhost]

Hey there guys.
I am a 17 year old kid who has been diagonised with Clinical depression and Bipolar II.. although i don't know why but i sometimes feel it and sometimes feel happy(might be the bipolarity)

I was and am annoyed by the frequent mood swings ( especially this week) and was planning to commit suicide. But i have a wonderfull girlfriend who i love with all my heart and soul and everything else i can find within myself and also a wonderfull pet dog.

The Doc prescribed me some meds and my parents and my school headmaster didn't want me to use them because apparently my mind would "get blunt".

they thought solving my academic problem would help me get out of my depression and reset me back to my normal life.. but when i looked back. I have been suffering with depression since i was 12.
for 5 whole years! My parents think i have no reason to be depressed anymore,so its useless to ask them for help. I would not ask them again because I already overheard them calling me "weak". At this stage of life the last thing i want is sympathy from my own parents.

Living in a country where Depression is just a mood phase and one can easily get past it..Living in a country where relationships are not really supportive..Most teens are in secret relationships..

I have Took up to smoking and self harm.. i controlled myself for 2 whole months because i promised my girl. but Today when she vanished without telling me and didnt even reply to me for just 5 hours.. i had imaginations of her being raped and sexually and physically harrased and couldn't resist but to cut my arm once again. just 5 hours.

I couldn't do anything but feel the usual thinking about my future...my grades dropping and dozed off..when i started dreaming an old dream before my visit to the doc. It is a really violent,bloody dream..i would not prefer to explain. And i started seeing shadows in the dark..tall long figures and started to panic and shout...

I know i am telling this to random people on the internet whom i might never meet..but they are the only people who i know can support me.

I am feeling lost and scared if i might end up in a mental asylum if i tell my parents about these small hallucinations i developed..after all which country is more foolish and judgmental than india.

i could go on forever talking about what cause my depression..but all i know is i got in it...and i can never get away.

I've lost my self esteem, and confidence..I have an urge to breakup with my girl just because i feel she doesn't deserve me..but little she knows that she is like A "reason for me to live"

thank you for reading this big thing..i thank you with my heart.
i dont know if i might be alive the next minute..i dont know if i can sleep...
i am begging for sleeping pills over every pharmacy i can find.. i dont want to die..yet i dont want to live..

[Bigmike727]

Hi, I have psychotic elements to my depression so I can relate to what you say. I would see demons and the spirits would talk to me. I don't understand the concern about psychiatric meds, I am on them, and if anything they have helped me academically. I find that I am able to focus more easily and concentrate my energy on a single task. I took up smoking at either 13 or 14 aswell because of depression. I quit for about two and a half months before having my first cigarette again today. I find that smoking does help me get over the rough patches. Anyways, I hope things get better and work out for you.