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#1
Jun 06, 2014, 09:20 PM
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My landlord is having a party and tons of people are over at her house (I live in the basement). These are people my age it seems. It makes me feel more alone than ever. I have struggled with fitting into groups my whole life and now I'm just alone. The few friends I do have live thousands of miles away. Makes me miss being part of a group. I don't have that and fear I never will. You know the stages of development by Erikson? I missed the young adult one (because I am in isolation, not intimacy), and now I'm on track to miss the middle age adult one also (becoming stagnant because I just could not make it).
Young Adult Intimacy vs Isolation Learns to make personal commitment to another as spouse, parent or partner Middle-Age Adult Generativity vs Stagnation Seeks satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests So then I jump straight to even missing the older adult one - (going straight to despair and saying I give up and just let me go now please) Older Adult Integrity vs Despair Reviews life accomplishments, deals with loss and preparation for death Whatever. Like I even have feelings enough to care. This is how I must have wanted it to be. I am in control of my own destiny now aren't I? Except everyone misses the point that you have to be a likable person for someone to want to be in a relationship at all with you. No one wants to be in a relationship with a depressed, negative, used up, giving up, etc. person. I know this, therefore, I don't even really try anymore, because I know that I am such a toxic person. And this would be self loathing I suppose, but maybe this is what I know how to do. We all get what we have given to others, so it makes so much sense that I am alone, unloved, unhappy, numb. I've given all I can. I just want to be done now. Instead of being exposed to everyone else's normality and happiness and having it so vivid that I can just taste it enough to know what exactly I am missing and how impossible it actually is for me.
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"When it's good, it's so good, when it's gone, it's gone." -Ben Harper DX: Bipolar Disorder, MDD-recurrent. Issues w/addiction, alcohol abuse, anxiety, PTSD, & self esteem. Bulimia & self-harm in remission |
 HuxleysParadox, Rohag
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#2
Jun 07, 2014, 07:12 AM
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Quote:
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My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#3
Jun 07, 2014, 07:16 AM
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