[username201]

I am a Nerdy, but popular High School Senior. I used to be bullied very often in late-elementary and middle school. But at the same time as this bullying was going on, I was also had many friends (no best friends though) in the "good kids" group. The bullying left me with social anxiety.

Now I am in High School. I've overcome my social anxiety by forcing myself to socially interact with my peers who have always liked me. Even though I was anxious in the past, I was still "very like-able." I've always had good social skills, and overcoming my social anxiety just required gaining self confidence.

Although, I am very unhappy with my current life and often try to rush home to avoid further interaction with others. While developing my social skills, I started to focus on other peoples' emotions and am now very good at quickly making others like me. I am friends with all types of people in my school now, including the "good kids," the athletes, the nerds, the music kids, and the stoners. I am the chess club president at my school, a peer counselor, a nerd, and I also smoke marijuana and go to parties often. Or I used to go to parties often until I've started to feel depressed. Many people give me attention, which I do not want (anymore) because it makes me feel like I'm being constantly judged, even though I'm being perceived positively.

My main issue is that while I used to always follow my true self while befriending others, and no longer enjoy most social interactions. Even with friends. I am able to relate to and befriend almost anyone in my school with my background. I believe that I do not enjoy social interactions, because my mood is very unstable and recently I've been feeling very negative/depressed. This negativity only continues as I force false (but extremely believable) positive emotions, which I need to do often as a Peer Counselor/popular high school student. I am very good at controlling how others perceive me and making a good impression, and am extremely good at pretending to act like my true self when in fact, I am using a false self. I act with the appropriate amount of and type of emotions.

Making people like me is very easy for me, but I feel compelled to constantly analyze social interactions and quickly decide how to act in a convincing way which now feels natural to me. But I am not actually interested in interacting with most of these people that now like me a lot, and it stresses me out to have to continue to be nice to them. I do not want to hurt their feelings or be a bad role model / peer counselor.

I spend hours each day using a false self while seeming to be using my true self to everyone else. I really would just like to tell some of the people who are bugging me with topics that I don't care about (Like League of Legends or some party that I didn't want to go to), "Hey. I don't give a **** about what you're telling me right now. Please stop following me around and bothering me," but instead I continue to interact with them while looking for the quickest way to escape the social interaction while still making a positive impression.

Whenever I get away from all these people that I know and hang out with people that I don't know and have never met before, I feel wonderful and free. But while I continue to live my current life, my true self feels empty and emotionless about half the time. The other half of the time, I feel extremely happy and my normal, "very like-able" self. Although I am still very good at faking strong emotions when feeling empty. I can not stress enough how believable my false self can be. When I get to college, away from all these people that I know, I will most likely be very happy. But until then, I am living a very stressful life and my grades have fallen slightly (from a usual 6 A's and 1 B with AP Classes to A's, B's, and one C). This is also in part due to "Senioritis." I have little motivation to continue to get good grades, since I was already accepted to a great college.

[bluekoi]

username201, Have you thought of seeing a therapist for guidance/mentoring? Sounds like you have so many friends whom you help, that you are no longer caring for your own needs? Maybe you are spreading yourself to thin and you need time to just be you?