[HuxleysParadox]

I was always told as a child that I was worthless. I was a problem and things would be better were I not there. I did not believe that. I always told myself he just says that while beating me because this was his childhood and he can't break the cycle. I am worthy. I have a bright future where I can get away and do anything. Not be like my birth mother working so many jobs to support kids, a drug habit, and a man who refuses to work.

As I cry myself to sleep everynight I can't help but agree with him. I don't have any hope. All I can see are two options. Object poverty supporting four people by my self, or working two jobs seven days a week living in moderate poverty never seeing my two children working myself to death. Why did I become like her? I promised myself I would never support a man. But here I am, the only one looking for any work.

So what's the point? Why didn't I kill myself as a child when I was being beaten and starved everyday? Why was I so *******ed foolish?? I find myself everyday feeling torn between feeling so worthless and so angry that I feel sick. I'm told to take time to be happy, I CAN'T!! I feel so guilty because I can't do anything right. I'm supposed to be the financial provider but I can't even do that right. I don't deserve to be happy. I hate myself and the pitiful creature I've become.

[pisces22]

You're not worthless. You don't deserve this, you deserve to be happy. Keep going. Hopefully, one day everything will work out!

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[BlueMoonBlueEarth]

What you have experienced is abuse which does do a lot of damage, especially to a child. You didn't believe the abuse as a child, but your depression is trying to warp your mind into thinking the abuser was right. Depression can crush hope, and many people here on PsychCentral are suffering, including myself. Abuse of any kind is illegal, be it physical, sexual, or verbal, and you should not allow the abuser to get away with it, otherwise they may go on to abuse more and more people.

By the bye, do you have a therapist? Therapy might help you out of the traumas of your past and live a happier life.

[HuxleysParadox]

Originally Posted by BlueMoonBlueEarth

What you have experienced is abuse which does do a lot of damage, especially to a child. You didn't believe the abuse as a child, but your depression is trying to warp your mind into thinking the abuser was right. Depression can crush hope, and many people here on PsychCentral are suffering, including myself. Abuse of any kind is illegal, be it physical, sexual, or verbal, and you should not allow the abuser to get away with it, otherwise they may go on to abuse more and more people.

By the bye, do you have a therapist? Therapy might help you out of the traumas of your past and live a happier life.

When I was 11 my birth mother gave up rights to me and my siblings for the final time. The courts mandated all of us to go to therapy. I went but didn't find the three therapists they shuffled me around with much help. As an adult I know what happened to me was not my fault, but on my dark times I think back to it. I don't think they're memories I can ever fully accept.

[BlueMoonBlueEarth]

Originally Posted by HuxleysParadox

When I was 11 my birth mother gave up rights to me and my siblings for the final time. The courts mandated all of us to go to therapy. I went but didn't find the three therapists they shuffled me around with much help. As an adult I know what happened to me was not my fault, but on my dark times I think back to it. I don't think they're memories I can ever fully accept.

Ah, I see. I'm really sorry to hear that, and I'm sorry if my comment didn't help since I was pointing out things that are blatantly obvious now that I look back on it. Well, keep posting here and continue to find people that you can relate to. Best of luck.

[Flummixed]

I haven't been abused really that much as a child. My Dad always yelled though and had a bad temper and I unfortunately carried that over to my adulthood. I conciously work at it though and I don't do it very often anymore. I had the same situation with my wife. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and did everything in her power to avoid working a job. I'm not sure about your situation but I can say that in my situation after 7 years of marriage I finally got so exhausted about it that I gave her an ultimatum. Get a job or we're getting a divorce because child support and maybe even alimony would've been cheaper than what I was going through just to make ends meet. If your other half isn't doing anything but pulling you down and you can't convince him to get off his butt then it's probably time to think about ending it as he's just another mouth to feed and you already have your hands full with your children.

You should hold your head high because even though you're severly depressed you're pulling yourself up and getting out there to support yourself and your family. I will keep you in my prayers that you find relief in the future.

Take care!