[Idiot17]

I want something should happen to me. Something physical. That I should end up in the hospital. That I should have a way to start getting help. If I land in the hospital, I'd be looked over and all, maybe they will notice my lack of nutrition, all my open cuts and all my scars. And they will question It. ( hospitals here are ok).

I want to end up there since I'm scared of what I can do. I want to end up there to start getting the help I so badly need. I want to end up there so that I can put all 'important' stressors of my life aside.

So that I can finally come so to speak
out of the closet and tell the world I am not ok. To be liberated of the trying need to be 'ok'. To just be instead of living the mask I'm living for the past decades.

Idk if this makes sense.

[shabur]

You do make sense. I felt that way before I sought out help. Is there a therapist, your doctor or a friend you can start talking to? If you feel you are at risk of hurting yourself, go to an Emergency Room. There is help out there.

[ThisWayOut]

do you think maybe you could reach out to a hotline or something? They could get you hooked up with emergency services to get some help. I know it sounds intimidating, but it might be a less harmful way fo getting help.
Another thought would be to go to the ER with complaints of a physical ailment (make something up like stomach pain or chest pains) and then talk to someone about the other stresses... I mean, ideally you could just seek help for the the stressors and issues you mention, but if that's too difficult, then faking a physical ailment could get you at least through the door. I know how difficult it can be to ask for help when there are all these other "more pressing" obstacles. I would hate to hear that you were seriously hurt before you got some help though. It's ok to ask. It's ok to reach out when things are overwhelming. and it's ok to set aside those other "important stressors" to take care of yourself. It's kind of hard to take care of those other stressors when you are bogged down with the self-harm and eating and underlying issues...

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Idiot17 ))))))))

[waterknob1234]

It is time for you to get the help you need and don't hesitate to do it. I agree with all of the others, call a hotline, go to the ER at the hospital, whatever it takes. Be honest with the medical people wherever you go. If you are thinking of self-harm tell them. They have to know what is going on in order to be able to help you. You deserve to get help and treatment and feel better. Best of wishes to you.