[ThisWayOut]

what do you do when the depression is so all-encompasing? how do you find the energy to change something, to make a move to try to cope?

Therapy.

[ThisWayOut]

Yeah, that's prty of the problem. Very unfortunate timing of termination... and I don't have a new t yet. Can't reach out to this one because Tuesday is it. Then waiting for a call back from the new agency...

[sonnynotsunny]

I will take a nap, very long nap, I will literary end sleeping more than I should, and as soon as I woke up I will feel bad again.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWay, I am sorry you're hurting so much but sometimes when things are really hard you need to be easy on yourself.........and "coping"......that can be whatever you need it to be right now, whatever/all you can manage.
If that involves doing very little, fine...........if that involves cutting out the outside world a little, fine.......if that involves loosing the "mask", (crying- if that's there) and just "letting it all out to someone, fine.
And sometimes we are going to need help from other people in slowly moving that little bit forward, until we're better able to do that ourselves, nothing wrong with that at all.
Even if it's a little at a time though, or saving/building up your strength to go that tiny step forward, it really does all count.
But you know what, you're not alone, we're here for you in this.........and if we can help you find just a little (more) strength............
And, whenever you want to talk..........
Alison

[TheOriginalMe]

Sleep is the only escape, it is temporary and the pain can creep in there too, but it is what I do to get through the worst hours.

[ThisWayOut]

The insomnia makes it hard. I can't sleep when I'm depressed. I average about 3.5 hours on a good night, and maybe 15 minutes a shot for naps. I used to be able to sleep, but not anymore. I have sleep meds, but I really dislike the side effects of them (I get very angry, which is very triggering for me). It's really just anything with any sedating effective that makes me that way. I wish I could sleep though. I know things are a bit easier when I sleep.
i cried again today, for 2 solid hours. I thought it would never end. I really hate crying.
I don't know how to make this loss easier. It's so wrapped up in a million other losses, and I have not been able to untangle things even with my therapist's suggestions. I also hate that this ending is coming up right before a holiday and right before the anniversary of some significant losses - lots less support or distractions. It just all feels overwhelming...

[waterknob1234]

Anniversaries are hard. When I get that depressed I flop on the couch and sleep. Depression stinks. I wish I could fix things but I'll give you hugs.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWay, sounds like you need a little more from your T, especially now?? A little more support, some more suggestions or help in following through further the one's they've made?? It doesn't make it your fault or that you're at a loss with the therapy at all if it isn't helping that much. It more so says that you and your T may need to find some more/different approaches/techniques.
But anniversaries can bring a whole lot of feelings back, and bring some really difficult feelings to the surface. I don't know if it might help to focus as much as you can on what you have left, on what you still have, on what you can still have. It might not make those feelings go away but if you can shift the balance just a little??
If you want to talk a bit about the losses though we're here for you, if not that's OK too. But as for the less support bit, if nothing else just remember that we're still here and you can still find support with us.

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks All.
Unfortunately, Tuesday is my last session with this T, and I don't have a new one yet (waiting for someone from the new agency to contact me about that. hoping it's sooner rather than later). I'm very much feeling the loss of this T as there was a lot of "parental-ish" transference that I never did address with her, and she is leaving a few days before the 20th anniversary of the death of my aunt, who was very much like a parent to me. That day also happens to be the anniversary of my first suicide attempt 7 years ago. It's generally a tough day for me. Prior to her letting me know she was leaving, I had asked for extra support around this day because it had already crept into my awareness over a month prior (generally if that happens, it's going to be a rough one). I am also trying to deal with the absence of my wife (moved up north last month to help us get settled there), feeling very alone, and the pending loss of the house I inherited from my aunt after she passed. I've lost my immediate at-home support (wife), I'm losing the house, I'm losing my safe space (therapist), and I don't have a definite follow-up support at this time. All the losses and lonliness around this time seem to be mirroring the situation around the loss of my aunt. It was easier to handle when everything wasn't SO similar to the time she died, but with these things all lining up, it's excrutiating.
Intellectually, I know it's not the same loss, but emotionally it very much feels like it. I try grounding, I try reality-checking around it, but it doesn't really lessen the pain and hopelessnes. I'm trying really hard to stay out of the hospital over this because I know the hospital doesn't really offer any meaningful support, just physical safety (certainly not emotional safety because the inpatient units here are very degrading & de-humanizing). I know where my head is going right now, and it's kinda scary. I have not disclosed that to my T, because I don;t want that to be her last memory of me, but I'm really struggling. Today is a better day, so I am doing my best to make plans for the coming weeks of down-time from support. I know I have trouble keeping up with those plans though when I'm really depressed. I tend to benefit a lot from outside accountability. I wish I could find a way to have that at this time, but there's no resources I qualify for down here.
I keep trying to remind myself to breathe and reach out as needed... It's difficult.

[Frankbtl]

Hey ThisWay, you're reaching out to us...now...on here. And that's good!!!
You're coping with a lot right now, and that's something you don't want to be trying to keep bottled up inside you or to go it alone with. As for your T she'd want you to be honest with her, she'd want to be there for you while she can, right?
So maybe give her that last chance to give you the support you really need, and allow her into the way you're feeling. You owe you and her that, if you look at it that way don't you?
She probably won't be able to make "it all better", but at least she can some sort of support to hold onto.
And my condolences for the loss of your aunt- mother figure. Now this may be really hard, but is there anything you can think to do on the anniversary which may celebrate her life/her having lived/the time you spent together instead of so much mourning her passing? Something personal to you- whether it's playing music she liked, writing down some memories/feelings about her, planting a rosebush (or anything else) in her name...........
As for loosing her house though, I'm sure there was so much more about her/to cherish than "bricks and mortar". And if she were around I'm sure that she'd rate you/your well-being well above any of that anyway, do you think? As long as you've got something to help you keep her close, doesn't matter how small/tiny/big/house sized or not, it is. Although having said that she's always going to be close in your heart, in your memories, right?
And anniversary of your first suicide attempt.......now I might be really screwing up here because feelings around events like that can be deeply personal, so I really apologise if I am, just come back at me if I'm way off target.............but.............you know that's 7 years you've hung in there, you've fought, you've tried, since the first time. Now how much strength does that show you have??!! Mark that anniversary maybe as something to show, the battles you've fought, how far you've come, just what you have in you. Which is there in you!!
And despite the years/how hard they may have been, you've still managed to hold onto important connections/you've met or stayed with your wife who you clearly care a lot about, you've reached out for and committed yourself to getting help/you're sticking with that. You have the chance of a much better future than you felt you had when you made that first attempt.
And back to your wife, it sounds like she's making the beginnings of a new start for you both?? I know it's got to be really isolating without her but don't loose contact with her while that's happening. However important a new start is, it's still important to keep the closeness and communication going. You are still together, you are still a big part of each others lives. Just pick up that phone/text/whatever you do, whenever!!
And crisis lines/chatlines??? If they may get you through/any one of them (if you need them) just don't hesitate if........
And that's besides talking to us of course!!
You know we're here for you, don't you??!!

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

Yesterday was ok. This morning was ok, but the longer I was awake, the more things sucked. Not at all looking forward to tomorrow. Just want to sleep and cry and... Ugh! I'm just done with things. Wish I could sleep.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWay, remember today....tomorrow........is just one day, and that we're here for you!!!
Alison

[ThisWayOut]

So, that's it. Had the last session. We are done. I hadn't said everyhting I wanted to in session, but I ended up at the beach down the road from her office. I talked ot my wife a bit, then wrote out something more than I was able to say to T in person. I called her and left a message asking that she read it at some point before she leaves. I feel a bit better that I was able to write some stuff and get some closure from my end. It was weird, all the parental transference shifted to sibling-like transference in session today. Part of me wishes she had offered to become friends, but it would have been weird. I would have felt the need to protect her from anything that may make her unhappy. She seems like someone I would enjoy hanging out with (from what little I knew about her)...
Anyway, I'm trying to keep hold of the positive, because the tears are right there behind my eyes and threateneing to burst out. I'm quite done with crying. Like you said Alison, just one day [at a time].
Part of me wants to call the new agency and ask if they have an estimate on how that waiting list is going... T had said today that I was potetially already half-way through the wait (they had said 2-3 weeks), so maybe I'll hear from someone sooner rather than later. I'd at least like the concept of someone else to be seeing, even if I haven't met them yet. Would that be too pushy of me to call?

[ThisWayOut]

I had called the new agency this morning and left a message for the intake coordinator asking about my waiting list status. He called back this afternoon (want expected because he normally only works mornings according to his voice mail, but I guess with the holiday his schedule is different) and told me that I was being assigned a clinician today and I should hear from them by next week. I had wanted to put in my request for sooner rather than later, but I could barely contain the sobbing that had started earlier in the day, so I just thanked him for calling. Really, really hoping whomever I will be working with will call me before the holiday. I hate feeling so alone.

[Idiot17]

((((((Thiswayout))))))

[ThisWayOut]

Today is 20 years, and 7 years, and 5 days. The 20 years feels like it's gone in a flash. The 5 days feels like lifetimes... and the 7 years just marks hopelessness... ...