[flours]

Hi!
I've been reading here for a while now and I found it very helpful so I finally decided to write something.

Nobody needs to read this. It just helps me to write.

For the last few months I haven't been in a very good mood and figured out that I am probalby depressed. At first I was just annoyed by everything and even little problems or stressful situations would make me cry. So for a while I didn't go out of my house so much because I felt I couldn't deal with other people in an acceptable way. I started to feel either bad or really indifferent then and I started to wonder how I could ever have liked some things like looking at magazines or going shopping as I realized how boring that actually is and I decided it wasn't worth getting up from my sofa. One day I found myself walking on a big street without watching out for cars and only realized in the middle of the road and I didn't really care but was just surprized. I also had a phase when I thought it would make me happier to get a lot of things done like cleaning my house or opening letters (which I stopped at some point). But I didn't enjoy it and also wasn't happier afterwards. I started to distract myself from my bad mood by watching all kind of stupid tv-shows and going out and drink a lot. I realized that I shouldn't do that and stopped drinking. But after that I missed the company of other people because I can't have a normal conversation when I am not drunk. It even made me feel guilty when I met someone and didn't feel like they would enjoy my company. But anyway people stopped meeting me or answering my phone calls and texts. There were three friends who I thought were somewhat close to me. But neither of them wants to see me anymore or spend time with me or answer the phone. I always made sure that even on very bad days I wouldn't insult anyone or be rude or anything. Still it is like I am not a part of society anymore. As if I didn't even exist. People on the street won't even look at me and just walk straight ahead if I am in their way. Like I wasn't there.

I haven't been very succesful lately and don't really know what I'm going to do in the future. Now it seems I will also be alone a lot becaus my friends are gone and I din't have a boyfriend in years and I have also given up on that. I live alone. Don't really know anything else to do than reading and wirting in internet. Except from sleeping. Can't find any interesting tv-shows to watch anymore. Don't want to get too pathetic now. But I can't even have a pet in this appartment.

What bothers me most on a practical level is the social issue. Because I have had a good time even when I thought it wasn't possible when I was with other people. I guess if I could make that work again it would be a good start to get better.
But I am horrible at making and keeping friends and at conversations at all. If there is another person in the room -whoever that is- one would rather pick that one than me to talk to. I don't look nice. I am nice. I always help people if I can. But I am not charming.
If some one is actullay reading this: Any ideas what I could do?

[kaliope]

hi flours
it sounds like you have slipped into a depression and slowly lost interest in everything and ended up isolated. it is very common. I am very isolated as well. my friends are the people I work with but I have little contact with them outside of work. I am agoraphobic, I never leave my home. you could start by picking up some kind of hobby, just to give yourself some kind of interest, preferably something outside the home and something to do with others. I go to a paint class whenever I can. maybe sign up for a college course. take a walk every day and say hi to everybody you come across. walking will increase your endorphins and make you feel better. if you think it is bad enough, you could always visit your doctor and consider medication to help you over the hump and get you back on track. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Originally Posted by flours

Hi!
I've been reading here for a while now and I found it very helpful so I finally decided to write something.

Nobody needs to read this. It just helps me to write.

For the last few months I haven't been in a very good mood and figured out that I am probalby depressed. At first I was just annoyed by everything and even little problems or stressful situations would make me cry. So for a while I didn't go out of my house so much because I felt I couldn't deal with other people in an acceptable way. I started to feel either bad or really indifferent then and I started to wonder how I could ever have liked some things like looking at magazines or going shopping as I realized how boring that actually is and I decided it wasn't worth getting up from my sofa. One day I found myself walking on a big street without watching out for cars and only realized in the middle of the road and I didn't really care but was just surprized. I also had a phase when I thought it would make me happier to get a lot of things done like cleaning my house or opening letters (which I stopped at some point). But I didn't enjoy it and also wasn't happier afterwards. I started to distract myself from my bad mood by watching all kind of stupid tv-shows and going out and drink a lot. I realized that I shouldn't do that and stopped drinking. But after that I missed the company of other people because I can't have a normal conversation when I am not drunk. It even made me feel guilty when I met someone and didn't feel like they would enjoy my company. But anyway people stopped meeting me or answering my phone calls and texts. There were three friends who I thought were somewhat close to me. But neither of them wants to see me anymore or spend time with me or answer the phone. I always made sure that even on very bad days I wouldn't insult anyone or be rude or anything. Still it is like I am not a part of society anymore. As if I didn't even exist. People on the street won't even look at me and just walk straight ahead if I am in their way. Like I wasn't there.

I haven't been very succesful lately and don't really know what I'm going to do in the future. Now it seems I will also be alone a lot becaus my friends are gone and I din't have a boyfriend in years and I have also given up on that. I live alone. Don't really know anything else to do than reading and wirting in internet. Except from sleeping. Can't find any interesting tv-shows to watch anymore. Don't want to get too pathetic now. But I can't even have a pet in this appartment.

What bothers me most on a practical level is the social issue. Because I have had a good time even when I thought it wasn't possible when I was with other people. I guess if I could make that work again it would be a good start to get better.
But I am horrible at making and keeping friends and at conversations at all. If there is another person in the room -whoever that is- one would rather pick that one than me to talk to. I don't look nice. I am nice. I always help people if I can. But I am not charming.
If some one is actullay reading this: Any ideas what I could do?

You are describing my life to a T, almost exactly the same, except I'm only a man.

[Altered Moment]

All the time in my life, even when not depressed, I have a very flat affect. I hardly smile, I am aloof, I am shy, I am quiet, unless I know someone very well. People very often take this the wrong way. They think I am stuck up or feel I am better than them because I am not outgoing and will not smile and shake their hand right away. I sit back and wait to be introduced.

So I have decided that when I am doing good I will try real hard to step out of my comfort zone and be the one who steps up and introduces myself to a stranger and even try to smile.

I have also found that my real friends have to be people who understand my depression to a certain degree and even if they can't understand they do not judge me. These are true friends and have been there for me. I have had to take some risks and be honest with people and it doesn't always work out but often times it does.

I would also suggest getting some help for the depression. Professional help and this forum are social support and can make a big difference.

[Danny777]

Hi Flours, I can really relate to your situation, as I'm sure most here will. I just recently started medication for my depression/anxiety, but before I did, I found these things helped me somewhat:

- long long walks;
- nature;
- laughing (google "just for laughs gags");
- music, and researching the music/bands, I often go to the "greatest hit's of the 19nn's" sites, then "u" tube to listen to the songs;
- singing;
- trying to find something I enjoy (not always easy) then exploiting the h*** out of it;
- visiting family, I seem to have lost all my friends a well;
- just getting out of the house;
- Windows Solitaire (seriously, it helps takes your mind off things but you CAN get addicted);
- finally and reluctantly, meds which seem to be working quite well.

People who haven't experienced it seem to be very uncomfortable with depressed people, they don't know how to deal with it and they don't like the helpless feeling it gives them to see a friend in pain and not be able to do anything about it. I don't blame them for that, I often have trouble dealing with others' pain as well and often just can't handle it. Sometimes even watching the news is tough.

Hope this helps a bit and don't be afraid to seek medical help, I have been depressed my whole life and I didn't address it until I was in my 40's, I went through a lot of pain which may have been unnecessary. Good luck!

[flours]

Thanks for your replies!
I can really use them.

I actually do force myself to get out a lot. But it mostly makes me feel worse because people keep avoiding me. Even if I go and try to start conversations and smile at people they find a reason to leave right away.
It's just so horrible that the one thing that could help me feel better is what I cannot get because I'm already depressed.
It's like depression keeps all the nice things away that I could really use right now.

It's also weird because I remember that whenever other people were not doing well everybody would come and care and ask them what is wrong. But it seems that there are those kind of people that look like they need help and sympathy (=mostly beautiful women) and others you just feel disgusted by and you want to run from (=me).

Its even the same with professional help. If I had a broken leg or lactose intolerance it'll be no problem to get help. But if you feel like jumping in front of a bus nobody cares and that makes me even more want to jump in front of a bus. That doesn't mean that I will do that. I just want to say it's incredibly unfair that if you're already in a bad place everything around is arranged in a way to make sure you stay there.

I wouldn't expect anything of the people I meet. They don't need to do anything special. And I am at least polite and sometimes pay for coffee... And one good thing about me is, if I'm depressed I am incredibly funny because I am not laughing about my own jokes which makes them a lot better.
If only someone would take the time...

But writing and actually getting replys is doing already a lot for me.

[hvert]

Taking a class can be great. Doing anything where you run into the same group of people on a regular basis is the best way to make friends.

[flours]

Yesterday I had a real breakdown. I was crying for at least 5 hours and really loud. All my neighbors heard it. I was so sad and angry. I trashed my place and threw things and even damaged a wall. And I picked a fight with my mother on the phone. Was so bad.
Then I went out because I was invited for dinner. (!!) It was stormy and I went out hoping that the storm would just blow me away. It was so awkward then because I looked horrible and my eyes were so red that everybody could see what was going on although I put some ice on my eyes before I left. I decided to go anyway because I was so glad I could meet people.
I wrote before that I didn't want to drink anymore but yesterday I drank with the group all night. Didn't sleep at all because I had to do work and also meet my therapist in the morning. Didn't tell her about the night because had other stuff to discuss. I'm so confused now.
I guess I should still not drink but yesterday was sort of worth it. It was a goodbye dinner from university so some kind of special thing. I had a good time which is completely weird after the day I spent before that and now I'm all shaky and just want to sleep or drop dead but have to do urgent work and a lot of things. I'm just having a short break to process all of it and drink some coffee so my mind starts working again. Hope I can manage this day. I have been lacking sleep before anyway so now I'm struggling to still function. Not sure now if I should have done that.

[Altered Moment]

I have found there are people out there who do care and are willing to help. Especially professionals. That is my experience, but I have been at this for a long time.

[flours]

Yeah, I guess I will not contact anyone anymore. I cannot get over my friends abandoning me. I'm really heartbroken. And those people I met thursday night was just a big group I followed who probably didn't even notice I was there. Rarely spoke anyway and now I'm just embarrassed I left my house at all. Will not do that again. I should not bother other people so much with my presence because it only causes inconvenience and embarrassment.

Also I can't imagine to start any class for a hobby. Although I think it is generally a good advice. But I've just finished university and I've done enough classes for now. And all I am still slightly interested in is so out of normal range that I will hardly find other people who share it. -No that's not exactly right. I'd rather say I've met all of them in this town and we've not become friends. That makes me more heartbroken. Sorry for being so pathetic.
Sorry for writing boring stuff about my pathetic life.

Feel free to not read any of it.

Writing just seems like the one little thing I can do right now to make me feel I exist.