[Xzahn]

Hi,

Basically I’m the type of person that starts something and never finishes it. I get bored too easily, or I find other occupations. I just can’t organize myself and make my day productive and worthy. And it’s not only that.

When I’m doing something important, not just another hobby, I tend to get afraid of failing and other things that I don’t really understand which reduces my motivation levels. And motivation for me is everything. I recently found out that I have Low Self-Esteem condition. I read a thread about it and it was basically a description of me, and it is linked with my condition. Moreover, it makes me fall easily into depression which is bad anyway. The combination of both is even worse. I’m going to try to explain everything as short as possible but I’m pretty sure I won’t be able.

I’ve just graduated from high school and I applied for the new private university in my town. It’s an IT university, mainly for software and web development. The funny thing is that the owner is a pretty known person in our country. He had before and private academy for software engineers. It was free, but very hard to get in, and even harder to get out. Trust me, it’s big. I dreamed for years about going there, and finally I did. Even though I knew it was hard, I was so determined, that I wasn’t even considering the possibility of failing. That was my mistake. I guess I underestimated it a bit. I pass the first exam, but it was so barely that I fall into deep depression and I couldn’t keep up with it, so I quit sparing myself of more humiliation. I know we’re not supposed to be perfect in everything, accomplish everything, but it meant so much to me and I failed miserably.

I’m sharing this because probably that’s what causes that fear with the university. I have an entrance exam, which consist of 5 problems you need to solve. I’m not worried about getting in, because I’m pretty sure I can get in. (Imagine If I fail that too ) What I’m striving for is getting 100% (solve all 5 problems) so I can get a chance for scholarship which offers few benefits one of which is free education. The initial exam is today, but I postponed it to the next one, on august 22. I know what the stakes are, what this means to my future, and yet I’m not doing anything about it. My family is kind of poor, so getting a good and perspective job is essential. Few weeks ago I started doing some exercising for the exam, and it was going well until I got to the hard ones. There was that problem that I just couldn’t figure it out, and that when the fear appeared. Since then I watch movies all day. Going through 10 episodes of an TV show in one day it’s not a good sign. I broke my sleep regimes. I usually have trouble sleep, but now it worse. I sleep through the day and do nothing through the night. The last 24 hours I slept from 10AM to 5PM and then from 9PM to 1AM. I don’t even make my bed. I just jump on top of it with my clothes on. Besides the movies I had a few other deviations. I started watching web dev and Photoshop tutorials, for no reasons. One day I start sketching with ArchiCAD a random house that just popped into my mind. Once I wanted to an architect by the way. Next my and friend of my reserved a studio for un hour to play some. (He plays guitar and I want to buy drums for like 2-3 years now). All that random motivation about totally unrelated things is just wrong. I love all these things, but I just can’t control it. And that is when I’m in good mood. In bad mood I usually do nothing, or I’m in TV shows marathon.

I’m going to stop because it became too long. Thanks in advance!

[smmath]

Welcome to PC. I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. Hugs.

[raydavid11]

you just keep busy yourself in any type of work to forgot stress or depression. listening music is good to keep away from depression and feel relaxed.