[Steiner of Thule]

...

I've been depressed and thinking suicidal thoughts for the past couple of years. It feels like I've always thought of killing myself. Recently it's gotten really critical though, the uh depressed feeling. I am almost bed-bound at this point. Occasional feelings of wanting to cry but being unable to. Especially when I am around other people. Feeling frustrated by people. Some other symptoms probably specific to me only such as hating other people that show any happiness or love with one another because I feel like they are lying. Perhaps it comes from everyone betraying me so I feel like every time someone is nice I feel like they are just looking to stab me in the back.

...

I was supposed to go someplace but I've been feeling an anxiety that kept me awake. Wish I could explain but it feels unbearable trying to explain this over and over and over again. I've attempted once about a year ago. It's much worse this time this feeling. This dead feeling. I'm a walking corpse. I honestly feel like I am going to snap and start bashing stuff. I want to snap and start bashing stuff.

It's also like I don't have any choice in what I want to do. I don't want to do anything though. I just really don't want to do what they want me to do. I do it anyway while wanting to claw my eyes out every time.

I don't think the place I am gonna check out will help me. It's just going to be another dead end like every other thing I have tried. It feels hopeless. I'm tired of feeling like this all the damn time. I'm tired of putting on my fake smile and trying to be nice. I can't do it anymore. I don't have any friends. No help in any sort of manner. No therapist. No psychiatrist. The inpatient places give me anxiety and it just seems like no matter what I just can't be helped. No money to afford any help.

Everyone is shitting on me.

I guess I can't get help either way just because of how messed up my sleep schedule is at the moment. Maybe when I manage to get it normalized I will try to get help but right now I just can't do normal hours. I sleep like 12+ hours a day. Usually 15-16 hours as of late and I wake up at 6-8 maybe even near 9 pm at night while sleeping at like 6 am usually. When I am awake doing anything completely exhausts me. I try to do some exercise. Eat pretty healthy. Though exercising, especially cardio, has gotten difficult as of late. I usually want to quit right when I start.

The place I was going to try and seek help from only accepts people or something on Tuesdays and Thursday. I never realized how bad I had gotten until I felt like i had to go someplace within a certain time period.

It's difficult. Someone told me that if I want to change I should just muster up the ability and go. Or something like that but maybe I just don't care at all anymore. I just want to be dead. The constant nights of thinking what is the point to anything have perhaps gotten to me. There is no point to anything. Though I guess that makes me realize I've been depressed for a long time because my goals and dreams were dead halfway through high school. It just snowballed overtime. Getting worse as I get older. What do I do? What do I want to do?

I don't do anything. I don't know what I want to do. I have no desires anymore because I feel unworthy of anything. I feel unworthy of happiness or help because even when it comes to mental illnesses I feel like I am not that bad so I don't feel like I need help yet I am unable to leave the house by myself, been isolated by my peers. Can't seem to do basic things. The list goes on-

[Travelinglady]

I can see how all that would really get to you, SteinerofThule. Many of us have been in a similar boat to yours--at least with the sense of not wanting to do anything, weariness from going through it all, and wanting to just give up?

Have the doctors been trying different antidepressants with you? Sometimes it takes a dadblasted long time to get the right combo.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I can see how all that would really get to you, SteinerofThule. Many of us have been in a similar boat to yours--at least with the sense of not wanting to do anything, weariness from going through it all, and wanting to just give up?

Have the doctors been trying different antidepressants with you? Sometimes it takes a dadblasted long time to get the right combo.

I don't have any doctors.

I tried some anti-depressants in the past but usually gained nothing from them.