Just need to talk/support

So here I am. Ive been on meds for almost a year now but still feel hopeless or underlying crying and it makes me think maybe Im not depressed it is just selfishness and always thinking of myself. So I have been weaning myself off my meds. Why take them if it is really not depression but it is just selfishness and lack of gratitude? And I am sitting here bawling because I don't know what is the right thing to do. My doctor is new-I just moved to new area 9 months ago and just got her 4 months ago. She doesn't even know me. I tried to call her but she is on vacation. I am so tired of trying to figure out what is right. I know my old doctor really believed I have bipolar depression but now I don't know. I know I havn't showered in 2 weeks but I think that is just me being lazy. I don't know where to turn. I think if I would be spiritual and greatful and think of others more I would be alright. Of course that would always make someones life better. Iv'e got a pretty good life if I choose to look at it that way. I know right now I feel hopeless about myself. I want to go home. I want to just sleep but I can't. I hate my job but It gets me out of myself so Im not in my own head all of the time. I am lonely and have never really been good at doing people. I feel like ****. Im sorry but I needed to get this out somewhere. There was a time I felt more hopeful but to be honest I wonder if I still have an underlying depression still. But I think-Ive been on meds so I shouldn't. I do remember one time when I felt better I told my doctor that when I am not depressed I am a loving person. But sometimes I think I put too much weight on my "depressio" I dont know. I know Ive spent this morning crying and I feel like crap. Sorry for the long post-I just needed to write.

Hi, noneedtoknow, I guess you are just "talking," but I honestly think you have depression and need to be under a doctor's care. Calling yourself "selfish and lazy" could even go along with depressive thoughts. Okay?

I want you to feel better about yourself and not be crying so much--and not be so hard on yourself.

Feel free to share more on your thread, if you would like. We are here, and we care.