[Steiner of Thule]

I don't think I can accurately describe my feelings about myself. My thoughts on stuff or ever have a clear standing point for various topics or about what I want out of life. Not sure that makes sense. I find it hard how people can be so clear and headstrong with what they want to do and state clearly what they want to do with their life. For years I have been asked what I want to do with my life and I can never answer.

They ask me what I do.
Am I going to school?
work?
Got a girlfriend?, ever have one?

No, no, no ,no, no.

I get depressed every time I am asked about myself because I have nothing to say. People would ask me that I just need to find something I want to do but I just can't seem to find anything. I simply don't want to do anything and haven't wanted to do anything really for a long time.

I am passionate about nothing. I don't think I can be passionate about anything because it always feel like I am faking to be something I am not. Though on that point I guess everything feels fake to me. Nothing is real and nothing really matter like it used to to me.

We are infinitely small and have no value. At least that is what I feel about myself when I think about everything as a whole.

I used to be afraid of killing myself but everyday I replay the same images in my head over and over with vivid details. I told a counselor (well, wrote on a sheet of paper to them) about a month ago I guess now and got into this ordeal with being placed as an inpatient. I talked about these thoughts on here earlier and talked to someone about them but it just feels like they were pushing me to be an inpatient just to play and torment me. I made a fool of myself trying to get help. I should have known not to trust others.

I never ended up as an inpatient and everything has basically gone back to the way they were where I am sitting at home with constant suicidal thoughts in my head with no plans for the future.

Just as I thought would happen since this is what always happens when I seek help. I just end up causing everyone trouble. Told that I shouldn't cause my mom trouble by my dad and overall feeling worthless and eventually end up back at home in my room just waiting to die or something. Everyday the same and I can't break the cycle or live a life of my own for various reasons which I myself don't even know of anymore.

Is my life just going to be this forever. Do I actually want to live to see the day I am actually completely alone. My parents dead and I am completely alone probably in my 40-50s trying to become a normal functioning human still. Do I really want to go through that.

Lately I view death as a sweet blessing and option when perhaps 6 months or a year ago it didn't seem as such an easy option.

It just seems kind of beautiful at this point.

I feel like some emo goth type person when I talk about how I feel and overall it even shames me from talking about my feelings.

Feel ashamed of myself and overall I am just tired of trying anymore. Tired of telling my story. I don't even know myself anymore and I am not really sure of what else I can say when it comes to me and why I am broken and can't seem to do anything.

[whatever95]

I know exactly how you feel. Just complete apathy. I don't have any hobbies or interests, and feel so empty as a person. It's quite strange how one can completely lack feeling and passion. I wonder what will happen to us. Does anything make you happy? Music? Movies? Animals?

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by whatever95

I know exactly how you feel. Just complete apathy. I don't have any hobbies or interests, and feel so empty as a person. It's quite strange how one can completely lack feeling and passion. I wonder what will happen to us. Does anything make you happy? Music? Movies? Animals?

I'm not sure anymore. I like music and movies and animals. Not really passionate about any of them though. Overall trying to answer questions like these fills me with a frustration with not knowing what to say because I feel like I don't have an answer and am not really sure what happiness really is and if I am feeling it or not. I mean sure I can have moments where I am happy and stuff but am I actually happy with my life as a whole. No.

Everytime I give a definite answer I feel bad inside because it always ends up feeling like it's not true and that I am just trying to slap an answer out there so people don't judge me. Now I can't even bother to make up something to say for what I like.

[Altered Moment]

Was there any sort of follow up help put in place for you after inpatient???

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Was there any sort of follow up help put in place for you after inpatient???

Nope. I just go home and end up a prisoner to my own head. It seems to happen every time with me to getting help. I try to get help but then in the end I end up back at the beginning again and the cycle starts over. Over and over and over.