[flours]

everything is always the same. i don't have power to do the things i used to do hoping they would change anything. they don't.

if I had the tiniest little effect from one of my actions that might be motivation enough to continue. but there isn't. I am a ghost and cannot touch things. or they won't move.

now i end up posting useless threads about my self-pity bothering you. I am sorry.
sometimes it helps. at least it feels like talking to other human beings.

sitting here in my apartment day and night alone. sometimes I don't think there are really other people out there and I just made it up as a fantasy to comfort myself.

[Clara22]

Please, do not be sorry for sharing. I am sending you a big hug. I feel impotent because you are a young woman, you deserve better. I could not answer your question yesterday. Before, I did a treatment for anxiety plus depression and it worked for sometime. In fact I was discharged. But I need to do it again and I have no strength. I think I acquired phobia to doctors, etc. in any event, I am going to a physical rehab center now to address medical issues and I think they will help me to address other issues, as well. I feel very low. I don't feel useless or unworthy. I know that as a human being I have an inner value. I don't feel I am failure in life, I achieved much more my parents expected but I am very debilitated and envision a grim future. I would need to have a lot of strength to face all the upcoming challenges of aging with a severe disability. I don't want to talk to "normal" people that want to cheer me up with candid and misinformed slogans ( you will make it, we will help you, etc) because I positively know that things do not work that way. In fact, several physical issues would need lots of dedication and $$$ yet the prospective results are uncertain. I have family problems that won't go away and the youngsters in my extended family are not much committed to help or get involved. I feel too much overwhelmed as many others here, but in addition to my depression, I have other serious illnesses. It is just too much this time. If I have to synthesize what happens to me right now I could say: I do not want to fight this fight.

[regretful]

Like Clara22 says, do not be sorry for sharing for even an instant. This affliction is terrible, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. When you try to explain this depression to someone that is not experiencing it, you can be devalued and put down. Here, at least there are people who "get it" because we've "got it". I'm so sorry that we're all going through this, and I'm hoping that things get better. And as Clara22 says, I do not want to fight this fight either, but I have to - I have no other choice...

[Clara22]

You are 100 percent right, Regretful, I do not want, but I have to

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Clara22

You are 100 percent right, Regretful, I do not want, but I have to

Sadly, and through tears I type this, if it wasn't for my wife and my son, I feel I wouldn't have to...Depression is the worst affliction. It takes an otherwise good life and rips it slowly and painfully to shreds...

[Fuzzybear]

[flours]

thanks Clara,
I'm sorry that your life is so difficult.
I am very glad that I have met you on this forum. you have comforted me so many times since I have been here.
you always write so patient and understanding comments. I cannot express how thankful I am for that.
I am sorry that you're hurting, too. I wish I could change that.

((((((Clara))))))

thanks regretful and fuzzybear,
it's so good to have you around

most of the time I am feeling so lonely and that nobody irl cares.
I read this article on crying. it says that it can have positive effects. but only if there is someone to comfort you. weird. sort of makes me sadder to know that.

well, I am not getting better.
went for a walk and got some alarming ideas. walked sort of slowly over a multi-lane road in the dark. well actually it was several. I know it's unlikely anything will really happen. but I like to give it a try sometimes.
think about going to GP and ask for prescription. but he's a jerk. so don't know if I actually will. I hate seeing doctors. most I met were condescending jerks and left me with some detailed description of a new disease I should be afraid of (me=hypochondriac).

[Idiot17]

(((((Flours)))))

[Clara22]

I am grateful for your posts because you are insightful

[flours]

yesterday I went out to leave my apartment. I ran into the flatmate of a friend. she was very kind and said they were worrying about me because nobody had heard of me in months. I said that nobody had answered my calls and mails, which is true.
then she wanted to know what I've been doing and if I had found a job.
I wasn't sure how to respond and tried not to talk about it. but there are these awkward moments…

when should I tell someone that I have depression? -so they don't say triggering things like asking endless questions about my job and how I spend my time.

sometimes I think it would be better if a couple of people knew. so they wouldn't be offended by my behavior and I could maybe meet them more often. I told one friend. the flatmate of the girl I met yesterday. but she never called me again ever since. so I am afraid that will happen with everybody. but I don't want to hide for the rest of my life.

does any of you have any rules for himself when to tell somebody?

[Altered Moment]

I don't know about rules. I have found that more and more I just tell people. This is from many years of overcoming the shame of having it. It is risky because sometimes I get comments that piss me off because they don't understand. I have found that most people even if they don't understand try to be and are compassionate. I cannot tell you how many times I have told someone and then they tell me they also suffer. My hair cut lady is one example. One night at poker night the guys started asking me about my life and work and such and I just blurted it all out without thinking. I didn't get any negative comments and a couple of guys asked a lot of questions. I hadn't seen these guys in years but I am back in my small home town and word travels fast. It is risky but my experience is more positive than negative. In your case I think I would have told. Rules might be only when it is appropriate like one on one when someone is asking about your life and is concerned. If you have some people you have a certain level of trust with you may tell them. It's better than suffering in silence. Sometimes I have ongoing arguments with friends trying to get them to understand. I am quite stubborn and resilient when it comes to that though after so many years. If you don't want to get shaming comments then be real careful. We do need some people in our lives we can talk to though. Secrets tend to destroy us. Talking on here counts.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[flours]

thanks. I wish I could talk about this with one of my friends- if they are still my friends, I don't know.

the girl I met yesterday asked me to go to cinema together and I went.
it was very nice of her to ask me and I was glad. but now I am back home and it all made me feel horrible. her flatmate, the girl I used to be close to, was there, too. she is the only one who knows I have depression outside my family. but it wasn't very nice talking to her. and we barely did because after the film everybody left quickly. just gave me quick update on her awesome life and all the unlikely and happy things that have happened to her within the last two weeks. I know it makes me a bad person but I really didn't enjoy listening to that. made me feel like a total failure. best part of the evening is that we saw blue jasmine. I know I shouldn't have watched that and I even knew before but I was willing to trade my comfort for some company. I asked them if they wanted to go some other place to do something funny after that depressing film. but they didn't want to and I eventually walked home alone feeling miserable, watching all the happy teenagers and couples walking along the way that come out on friday nights. I'm feeling really lost now.

also I didn't see a doctor to get meds. I overslept and it was too late. anyway I wouldn't know what to ask for. I will have to tell them exactly what I want and I will only get the prescription and nothing more. I will need to find out by myself about interactions or stuff like that. if I saw an actual psychiatrist they could give me some consulting. but getting an appointment is going to take another couple of months. right now I don't think it's a good idea to wait so long. I feel like I don't want to live. so I guess it's time.

[flours]

you know what- i just realized when I typed that I wished I could talk about this with somebody that I actually can't. everybody I talk to I can just show them a specific side of it which is that one that they can understand. but this is not the way I need to talk to somebody.
even my therapist I am telling only the parts that I think are interesting to a therapist. with my mother on the phone I talk about stuff we used to talk about like which kind of food I had or similar. I can't talk to her about the soothing desire I feel when looking down to the river from a bridge I walk over. how it makes me calm and peaceful to imagine everything to stop.
there is no person in the world that I could meet and sit down with and make them listen to exactly what I am going through.
and I think I can be pretty frank here. but in a way there is this big barrier too. nobody really knows me and knows my life. and I cannot give you all the details needed to understand it. sure they're only details but from my perspective there are some major matters that are closely linked to my mental health that I just cannot address publicly on the internet because if I do there will be ways to tell my identity and all the private stuff will be known about me to everyone.
some other parts I am ashamed of and I hide them because they will sound silly and it won't seem like I have serious problems that are worth of any help.
it's sort of good though to get this off my chest that I cannot get things off my chest…
weird, I know.

[Clara22]

But, despite differences and details, we share a similar experience here, and, in that regard, i think support is more meaningful. Anyway, I hear what you say and I feel the same sometimes. Yesterday, I told a niece about my darkest thoughts. I was surprised to find out that she did si some time ago

[flours]

feeling so lost right now.

it's getting worse every minute. i am so alone. i will always be alone. nobody will ever give me a hug irl. just not going to happen. I'm not worth it.
I do everything wrong and only annoy other people. they just don't want me to be there.
I am so horrible.

I am so sorry for everything.

[Idiot17]

Originally Posted by flours

feeling so lost right now.

it's getting worse every minute. i am so alone. i will always be alone. nobody will ever give me a hug irl. just not going to happen. I'm not worth it.
I do everything wrong and only annoy other people. they just don't want me to be there.
I am so horrible.

I am so sorry for everything.

I can definately relate to this......I feel much the same at times...... ((((((((flours)))))))
Hope the negative thoughts start slowing down and disappearing.

[flours]

they are only getting worse. I screw up every chance I get.

it hurts so bad. I cannot cause anything good. why can I not do anything? i hardly have the will to try and if I do anyway I just fail and realize there is no way out.

[flours]

so many times I feel like I cannot go on. and there is no person around me that I could address. and it makes everything just worse. I just lie on my sofa and try to make my thoughts and emotions stop. I get the idea that this is never going to change. that I will spend my life crying alone at night wishing for something better. I like the times when I don't feel anything. right now it's just hard to continue existing.
I wish I had something more to distract me. but all the things won't work anymore. I just want to go to bed and sleep but I am so awake and agitated. I have to think about all the events in the past week that made me hopeless. which is all the times I made an effort to make things better. I wish I had something I could put all the negative energy into and use it for something better. but it won't work. everything just makes me more miserable. I should just stop doing anything.

[flours]

there is so much pressure to be happy, successful, good looking, charming, interesting, funny and what else. and I have to be all of this to deserve a life. who can do that? -this is not fair. other people have done a lot less than me and still get more credit because they are cute and extrovert. and just because they are stupid and don't question themselves and nobody cares and they wear the right pair of pants at the party they get everything they want no matter what bs they're talking.
it seems that this is all you have to be.
and I don't have it so I cannot be part of society. I cannot have a job, I cannot have friends, I cannot have a partner. I am just nothing. I am just a waste of space and oxygen that is supposed to go to them.

I really need to get all of this out of my head. it bothers me so much I can't sleep or eat or breathe.

[flours]

I am just furious because I am the last person on this planet to discover that.

I have so much hate and nowhere to direct it at. because I know it's all just my own problem and my own fault and those other people are not to blame either.

[Idiot17]

Hang in...(((((flours)))))

[Clara22]

I am sending you a big hug, will update you later, my health has worsen, my brother made punctures with a knife to my nephew's car who came to help me yesterday night :-(, maybe I will have to stay in the hospital

[flours]

o no. I am so sorry. hope you are well right now! ((((((Clara))))))
sorry I reply so late.
been struggling.

[flours]

right now I depend completely on external events which isn't funny at all. sometimes I manage to get myself into a somewhat stable mood. but it crashes instantly really badly if things aren't going my way.

I went through this a couple of times every day since I last posted. it's not very pleasant.
especially there are some things that were really upsetting. like that one friend contacted me again to tell me she is going to move away and elaborated that the cause was that this place is hopeless and there will be no happiness here and no future and it was better to die. and she was happy that time for her seems to pass quickly so the some 40 years she still has to live pass quickly. I said to her that from my perspective there was no reason to wait all that time.

anyway I have to deal with unpleasant surprises on my own. my therapist is on holidays. I won't get an appointment with a psychiatrist and the GP is on holidays, too and after that fully booked for some time. so no meds for me.

and you know, I was in a way waiting for a reason to take meds all the time. some kind of perspective that requires me to be okay. and as soon as I had made that decision its gone. it's coming and going. so if there is nothing worth the trouble why would I bother? sort of waiting for something good to happen to me to cause me some hope.

[flours]

more than anything else other people are doing this to me. sometimes I wonder if they're aware and enjoy the thrill of entirely controlling the well-being of another living being.

my mother would say that it's stupid to depend so much on other peoples behavior as I cannot control them either. and I agree. it's stupid and the last thing I would do if I was able to choose.
but I cannot control it. I am like a dog wagging the tail when the master comes home. and I am devastated all the time when people don't answer me. and they do that a lot! why are they doing it? -it's torturing me. I am feeling physical pain from this. each time I am heartbroken. and hell I don't want to be!