[gwenlian]

I've been texting with my friend and one of my main supports all day and she's mostly been lecturing me which has not helped my mood. I'm supposed to cook dinner tonight for me and my husband but the kitchen is a mess and I don't even know where to begin to try and clean it let alone find the space to make dinner. I feel like my husband has given up on me and that my friend doesn't think I'm working hard enough to get out of this. I just want to cry right now and go and hide in my bedroom. It's 8pm here and I just realized that my oldest hasn't even eaten dinner yet. I feel like such a failure today. I was all ready to go out this afternoon with the kids to the market and panera's, a big thing for me, but my oldest was down and didn't want to leave the house which I'm sure he's picked up from me. He has his own anxiety issues and I feel like my depression and anxiety are making him worse. I just can't find anything positive to focus on. Hoping for a change just seems pointless to me now. I feel like I'm being lazy and not working hard enough. When I got out of the hospital last week I was all ready for change and now everything's come crashing down on me again.

I'm doing an intensive outpatient program four days a week and seeing my therapist weekly. I feel good for a little while after the session but the feelings get sucked out of me as soon as I get home. Most nights I feel like everyone would be better off without me because I'm such a drain. I know logically that it isn't true but it feels like the best option. It's been going on so long and there still isn't any end in sight. Positive self talk feels pointless when I can't even get myself to do the simplest of things. I just want things to stop, to stop the hurting, the worry my family has for me, what my illness is doing to my children, just everything. I'm not suicidal but I can't find a way out of this big black pit of despair.

[Travelinglady]

gwenlian, I think you are being too hard on yourself and expecting too much too soon. Just start by tackling little things. I think planning on cleaning and cooking a meal was too much right now. You are getting help and I think you will gradually get better and better. But please tell your therapist what happened and how you feel. Okay?

[gwenlian]

Thanks Traveling Lady. I had a big discussion with my husband last night about trying harder to get better and taking risks even though I'm afraid of failing. I just feel like I should be doing more. I'll definitely talk about it in group on Monday and my therapist later this week.

[Altered Moment]

I know the feeling all to well. I guess all we can do is keep trying as best we are able and hope for some good results.