[moonlitshadow21]

I have large self esteem issues, i feel an intense self hatred for myself ever since i can remember. I never thought i was good enough, it always felt like the whispers from people were making fun of me or pointing out im such a terrible person. I feel useless almost all the time, especailly with dealing with loved ones. My loved one is going through something and i am unable to help whuich is hard. He wont let me in and has put up a wall. Ive become moody depressed. The suicidal thoughts have stopped which is a relief. Recently in the last few months my normal hallucinations have intensified, making me terrfied and paranoid most of the times. Honestly everything has become so hetic i dont know where to start to untangle the mass of issues. The depression, self esteem issues, trying to change myself, and to straighten out medical problems all seem overwhelming. School started which caused everything to be worse. i just want to stay and my bed and sleep cutting off interaction to everyone. I just dont know where to start on the road to recovery......

[Frankbtl]

Hi moonlitshadow, I'd say you need to start with yourself on the road to recovery. Your boyfriend not letting you in is easily likely to be all about him, and very little about you.
It might be that he doesn't want to hurt you or lose you, "complicate" the relationship with his problems, it might be that he's going to feel vulnerable opening up to you or that he isn't used to opening up to people in that way, it might be that he just can't open up (to anyone) right now............there could be lots of reasons other than you and you can only do so much. So if you could encourage him to talk to someone more "neutral"...........but just let him know that you're there for him if........
I'd even say that if it comes to it and you have to walk away from him at this point, for yourself, then that would be understandable. It sounds like you've done what you can and if it's all dragging you down even further, making it harder for you to cope.............You don't have to be "strong enough", you don't have to be "responsible" and with the wall he's putting up............
And you.............I'm not surprised it's so overwhelming in untangling things, it sounds really hard and so much to try to handle alone. But do you think you could some (more?) professional help?? Maybe your school counselor (??) and/or doctor could help you out on the road you need/want to be on, if you could just give them a try??
And of course you're going to find some support here too.
Here for you if you want to talk..................
Alison

[moonlitshadow21]

thank you. yes, i think i am pushing to hard and need to let him come to me. I think i need to focus on getting myself better. I am going to make a list of all issues i have an start addressing them one by one. I can not afford going to a psycharisit, and I hate going to the doctors to. I dont trust a lot of docotors because of the medicals issue that i haveand went through a lot of hell with it. going to this website is a first step for me to start doing research of what i can do, and talk to people who overcame it. i gotta keep thinking one step at a time. each step is important, no matter how big or small.

[Frankbtl]

Hi moonlitshaddow, really good to hear that you're starting to think about yourself more. And coming to here, opening up about what's going on for you.........well I'd say that was a BIG first step. It's one thing kind of knowing what's going on for you but something entirely different actually voicing that, so real kudos to you!!!
And of course overcoming what you're going through isn't that easy but hang on in there, hey?? May not be things that jump out at you in answers/in "breakthrough"'s but just like you said one step at a time and you are on your way, "just" by talking about it, "just" by reaching out.
And you know, there are some great people on here, really understanding, really supportive.
So welcome to PC!!!
Alison