[birdpumpkin]

Not really sure how I feel really. I haven't been here in a few weeks... I was actually doing some better and feeling pretty good. Til last evening. I have separation anxiety - since our fire in December. I thought I was doing a bit better - small baby steps. I was seeing some improvement. I wasn't panicking anymore when my husband got called out on the weekends or after hours to fix leaks - which can take from a couple hours til ??? Thankfully none of them have taken too long lately. I still felt nervous but talked my way through them okay, kept busy, and was doing better. As I said, baby steps. Even felt happier, was listening to music, laughing... Now he throws at me yesterday, and I literally mean throw, because it felt like being whacked in the face by a wet washcloth or something, that next month he has to go away for 2 days - 2 WHOLE days - will be back later the 2nd day. Has to take a class at WVU 3 hours away. He has to do it - it's for his job. He's never had to do this before in our 11 years of marriage, but there's no getting out of it. Not optional. I immediately felt light-headed and faint. Tried to continue on with my reading, but all concentration was gone. I had to go outside to be alone with this and cry - because I'm tired of explaining to him and everyone else why I get upset and then just be told I'm silly. Which did happen later when he asked me what was wrong and silly me tried again. "That's silly." I had no words. Didn't talk the rest of the night. Feel the same way this morning. What I feel actually is like running away and leaving all this behind. I'm so tired of going through this I can't even begin... I feel like Forrest Gump and like just taking off running and running and running. I'm tired of dealing with this stuff with his job. It's a major source of stress for me. He's been going to look for other jobs, but then nothing ever happens. I don't feel I can deal with his job. What do I do?? And my family doesn't understand, and it frustrates me. Mom called last evening a short while after, so I told her about it. Same usual thing. "Just keep yourself busy. Your dad has to go away next month for a couple days or maybe longer." My feelings always discounted. And yeah, this time last year I probably would've been okay with it and shouting, "Woohoo 2 days alone!!" But I'm not that person anymore since the fire happened. They never remember the fire. I'm very fearful now. Terrified of life anymore. I just keep asking myself how am I going to do this?? I also just get so tired of being left behind. He takes off, I have to stay here. "See you later. I have important things to do." That's what being a wife is, I suppose. But it annoys me. Just feel so angry now, frustrated, worried, depressed... I'm ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired and worn out with fighting to keep my head above water. I don't want to play anymore.

[Altered Moment]

I remember your story. Huge loss and change. No time limit on grief. Just have to keep plugging along and processing in the healthiest way you can.

Can you get a therapist?

[birdpumpkin]

Yeah, there's no getting out of it. If he didn't do this because of me, how would that make me look?? And him?? So it's going to happen like it or not. Just getting through it... And 3 weeks ahead of me to dread it. I wish it were right now so I could just do it and get it over with. I did have a therapist but I quit going.

[Clara22]

Hi,
Are the fear related to your husband gone about him ( I mean like he could have an accident) or you (fear to be by yourself)

[birdpumpkin]

It's kind of complicated. Kind of both. I mostly just feel uncomfortable being alone, but the longer I'm alone, the worse it gets because I start "what if-ing" things. What if something happens and he doesn't come back?? What if this or that, and before I know it my heart is pounding and panic attack. My worst fears right now are being homeless (again) or ending up on my own and not able to handle anything, so I suppose it ties in with that somehow. I think my sense of safety and security are gone. I also thought today that I think what frustrates me and gets me so depressed concerning this is I'm not getting what I need from the 2 people closest to me - my husband and mom. I've explained to them several times over how I feel and why I think it is - since the fire - and it's like it just doesn't register. I don't know if it's actually because their brains just don't get it, or because they just don't care and think it's no big deal. I know there's no use trying to tell my dad and sister, so they don't even know really. They just know I've been dealing with anxiety. I have no friends. My son is too young. I just have them, and they always invalidate me. I'm just at the point I give up. I know women whose husbands go away often, my sister's boyfriend works away several days a week... I question what is wrong with me and why can't I be stronger. But then I think they didn't lose everything like I did. I would've been fine with this last year probably, like them. Thinking about it just brings up so many different feelings. Thinking about 3 weeks from now shoots pangs of anxiety through me. I suppose I'm just overwhelmed. Maybe it'll wear off. =/

[Clara22]

I think you may have PTSD, it is normal to feel that way if you have PTSD. Are you Medicare eligible? If yes, you may be entitled to personal care attendant, this person can come home and be with you to ease your fear.

[birdpumpkin]

I think I do have it, too. I thought I was doing a little better. I wasn't panicking when he gets called out like I was - just nervous a bit. But I don't think I'm in any way ready for 2 whole days yet. That scares me. I do feel panicky when I think of that - all day and overnight and another whole day til I don't even know what time he'd be returning. Not sure about Medicare. That sounds like a nice thing. I may see if I can stay with my parents that night. Mom finally offered today; but I don't feel it's really brave or strong of me if I do, and that's not going to help me get over my fears. So I'm not sure yet. I have time to think about it I suppose.

[Clara22]

Ok, hope you can stay with your parents at least! Thinking of you and sending good vibes!