Scared of Life

Hi all, i'm not even sure why i'm writing this, i suppose i just want to be able to vent.
I've been reading the previous posts and can relate to them. I'm insanely depressed at the moment. I've never sought any kind of help as i'm terrified of being labelled as a freak of some sort, of admitting i can't cope. I thought i had it under control until a few days ago when i split from my BF. To expand, he had been treating me with no respect for quite some time and i told him as much, suddenly he starts belittling me and making me feel its all my fault. I trusted him, told him about my periods of severe depression and he throws that back at me as an insult, hurting me to the very core.
Yesterday was my bday, i know i shouldn't have phoned him but i did, to invite him out. No answer, he phones me back to quite simply swear at me and tell me to drop dead. I don't understand how he cannot care at all, how he has moved on with no issues in a day and i feel used, and stupid and worthless for letting myself be used. This seems to have sent me spiralling and i finally realised i'm not coping at all.
I can't seem to control my emotions, either crying or raging.I've been drinking and smoking heavily and this just makes me worse, but i feel its the only thing i'm any good at.I'm always letting people down, and feel i am just a constant drain on them. I tried to tell my mum, but that just resulted in her crying and i just didn't know what to do, it made me feel worse.Everyone thinks i'm a loser because i can't find a job, even though i'm highly educated, but what am i meant to do if no one wants to hire me?My nails have been bitten to the quick,and i feel constantly stressed and paranoid. I haven't even left my room all day as i do not want to have to even see my flatmate, let alone speak to him as i know i'll end up telling him to go to hell, which is unfair. Everything i do just seems to go wrong, and i've become terrified of life. Sometimes i cry for so long my eyes puff up and i can barely see, i used to punch my fist into a wall until it really hurt just to try and lose some frustration but i've been trying not to do that, instead my fingers are raw from being bitten.
I've got a great family,and have had opportunities most people haven't and instead of celebrating this it makes me feel all the more useless. I've started pushing my few friends away too as i'm scared of being hurt, its so pathetic. I don't have a doctor, and can barely afford to live let alone pay for anything private so i don't know what i am meant to do. i just feel so down, and i cannot see a way to make any of this better.
thanks for listening.

brooskie

I'm sorry that you had a breakup with your boyfriend, but from what it sounds he wasn't treating you the way that you need to be treated. You can do better, and in time you'll realize this.

As for feeling insane? You're not insane, my defination of insane is someone who takes someones life without remorse, so you are definatly not that.

Drinking however is the worse thing that you can do when your depressed, it will make it worse, same with smoking ect.

You called your mom and she cried? That isn't exactly negative, she probably is just worried about you and with good reason.

Finding a job is hard, i'm struggling with it, your lucky you have an education, I have Grade 8.. jobs will come in time, just keep applying everywhere, you'll get something.

Another thing, don't bother trying to get a hold of you boyfriend, if he is cursing you out like that you don't need to hear it, it's obviously making you feel more horrible. What about therapy? Depression is hard to deal with, I have to deal with Clinical depression and Seasonal Affective disorder as well as anxiety/panic and reminants of post traumatic stress ... so I can understand how you feel.

Why don't you write? go for a walk, get your endophines going , that will help with the depression. You should probably talk to someone no one should deal with this on their own... How can you deal with it when you feel so negative about yourself, you need something postive to happen...

Why don't you look into getting some self help books on depression? I can find some for you if you want.

Hang in there, yes it hurts now but it will get better, you will heal from this miserable breakup , your strong, you will get over it.



<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Hello and welcome. Regarding pushing your friends away... well, yes, you might want to change your trust level with them, to help you cope with the trust issue, but give them a chance and see if they aren't just what you need right now!

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

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