Tired of fighting...

Hi,

I'm just tired of constantly fighting myself. Whatever I need, have or even want to do, I must first overcome myself then do whatever I was going to do. I have low self-esteem which causes many problems, one of which is depression. The depression is what causes that. And I get depressed hell of a lot. I have that since I was 12-13 and it was getting worse everyday till now, when I just don't see a way out of it. I was and I still am passionate about many things, but whenever I start something, at the beggining I have that tremendous motivation and desire and I give 100% of myself, I get depressed and I eventually fail or end up with mediocre results. Thats why I'm always described as - "...with potential, but unconsistant". Back when I was 10-15 it wasn't much of a problem, aside from my erratic grades, furthermore my parents thought it was puberty. Well, it wasn't.

I'm in university now. It's private and it's harder than most. It's what I wanted for the last 3 years. I tried to put myself together and last at least an year, then start working and be able to afford proffessional help and deal with the problem once and for all. It didn't work and I'm now in major depression. I have exam in just two days and I haven't prepared for it even a bit. I know that my result will be average if not less, again. I had teamwork project and I did nothing about it. Understandably I wasn't included into contributers section by my team. I was so ashamed I didn't even go the defense. On top of that I can't afford a laptop, which is heavily recommended if not required for the major. But since I probably wont be able to pay my tuition in time, its not that much of a problem.

I'm tired of always fighting and even if I win I get overwhelmed by pile of crap and end up losing, nevertheless. Even If I manage somehow to pay the tuition I'll eventually drop out or barely graduate at best, which is basically the same thing. As unskilled worker I wont be making enough to fix myself and I'll still need to live with my parents. Saving for college will take ages, too. It seems that I don't have any other choice except stick with it and deal with whatever happens. The sad part is that I know I can be more, even if I rarely believe it. It sounds pompous, but I'm ambitious and when I'm not in depression I have big plans for my future. I guess it doesn't really matter.

Unfortunatelly it became too long. I tried to make it shorter, but I had so many things to say. I hope you take a few minutes and read it.

Don't worry about how long your post is. I'm happy to read every word. I too am a university student. I understand exactly what you are saying. I also was unprepared for an exam last week. Had I studied I should have made an A(top marks), but I got a C(average). And I'm also falling behind on my group projects.

I'm sorry you can't afford the laptop you need and I truly hope you will find the strength to carry on and finish your education.

Is it possible your school offers counseling services to students? Might be worth looking into. Best of luck to you.

Thanks, but unfortunatelly they don't. However, I kinda pulled myself together, which is totally expected. It's part of the cycle - Mild Depression -> Recovery -> Major Depression -> Tremendous Motivation -> Repeat. My exam is tomorrow, so wish me luck. I'll need it!