I've been getting a lot of urges. I guess I've been getting them every day for a while now. I want to give myself permission to act on them. I try to find reason to do it, I try to find an appropriate time. Some nights I just spend the whole time convincing myself to do it, but luckily I guess there is always someone that stops me. I am getting very tired of this daily battle though. I do wonder how long I can keep pushing these thoughts back. They are beating me down and taking over. It's got to the stage where I don't feel like I can trust myself to just take a normal dose of painkillers when I get a headache. Not when there is a whole drawer full of various pills. I seem to be failing in taking my other meds too. Skipping doses and adding them to this ever growing collection that is less than a metre away from me.

And it's stupid really. It always has been. There isn't anything wrong in my life, not really. Except I hate it. I hate my head. And I don't do anything to help myself. I keep on drinking. I don't really care. Except sometimes I do care. Do I care? I feel like I should know better by now, like I should be able to do something about this. I should know better than to drink, I should know better than to self harm. Just dawned on me it's been nearly 10 years.... I should be ok by now. Should be able to just get on with life and not want to die all the time.

It feels like it's never gonna happen though. It feels like nothing will ever change. And I try to fight each day but it all feels a bit pointless really. I don't really believe that this will change, I'm so used to having these thoughts it would be weird without them.

I don't know. It feels like it is just a waiting game. Everything is ready to go. Just need that moment, that day where it is too much and then I really will stop caring.

[Idiot17]

I know of much you mentioned and yet I don't have any words of comfort or anything to tell you that it'll pass....

(((((Secret)))))

[waterknob1234]

Hi SecretWhisper, you've been going thru a hard time like this for a long time now. Do you have a therapist or a pdoc? Do you have too much time by yourself or are you living with family? Find some way to stay safe. You are such a good person and we care about you. Sending hugs your way.

[Fuzzybear]

[Hellion]

I can understand that...I myself am a little afraid of running into that moment and day you describe, but I feel its rather inevitable in any case. I don't know of anything to say to help how you feel though...but I feel very similarly.

Thanks. Yeah, although I live with my parents I do spend a lot of time in my room alone. I kind of like that though. I feel like I can just be myself on my own, don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. Don't have to act like I am ok when I'm not. I can just be. That...and my parents annoy me if I spend too much time with them.

I don't really know what to expect anymore. But like you say Hellion, I am just waiting for that inevitable day, there is only ever so long that I can keep hiding from it. I'm just kind of going through the motions for now, waiting for it.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hi Secret, you've got through 10 years and you're still here, that's a major achievement. I know because I've got through more than 30!

When I was in my teens and twenties I was overwhelmed by the thought that every moment of my life would be as horrible and painful as it felt then and there. I just couldn't face the thought of another 50 or 60 years stretching ahead of me. I don't know what changed, or even if anything changed but I've managed to hang on for this long, so now I just keep hanging on.

While my life hasn't been great and though the depression has never been far away, it hasn't all been awful and I'm grateful that I have managed to hang on. I keep my expectations low to avoid disappointment, it's not much help but I'm still here.

I hope you find a way to live a bit more comfortably with yourself. But just by being here, you're doing OK even if it doesn't feel like it to you.