[Steiner of Thule]

People are only nice to me out of pity.

It sort of hurts when I realize this that I don't have a friend that likes me for me. Or really any friends at all actually. Just people I sometimes talk to because I'm the only other person in the room. I don't have any friends and I don't have a life even.

Waking up to stare into the abyss. I mean I know what I should do. Just get up and get a job or something. I can't seem to though. I guess I'm just really really lazy. Though I am sure people will keep telling me I'm not lazy. I am. I am really lazy. I just don't want to do anything a lot of the time. I don't want to go out. I don't want to work. I don't want to live.

Just imagine the laziest person you can think of. Then double it. I laze out x2 the laziest person. Too lazy to be alive.

The years blowing past me and people seem to still consider me a young person. I am just a kid at heart I think. I like cartoons and video games. Though I have periods where I just want to sleep like an old man. Well most of the time actually. I always want to sleep because I use it as an escape.

I read that kids who think like I am end up becoming twisted adults. Or maybe I am already a twisted adult. Isolated from pretty much everyone like a hermit. I guess I've gained a lot of sight by being out of the picture. Though I always thought I was wise but I don't think wise people ever say they are wise because well. Yes. Just like smart people don't boast about their intelligence.

The more distant I grow from others the more I tend to see the whole picture. The less anxious I grow of others but the more unreal everything feels. Losing touch with reality. Still very anxious. Also I guess a deepened depression. A madness that comes from always being alone. I mean I haven't really had a physical conversation with someone. An enjoyable bonding conversation with someone besides my parents in well over 3 years now. Even my short talks with other people have been kept to a minimum. I can count them on my hand. Nonplural hand.

I've had a lot of random chats with people online but it's lead nowhere. It ends up feeling rather robotic. Repetitive. Though maybe this is one of the reason for losing touch with reality. People aren't real. Just programs. They say the same things over and over again.

"HellO! there HuManoid. My NaMeee is RoBooT JONES!"
"HeLLo! RoB0T Jons, Want my bread?"
"Yes I would like some bread HUmmanOId!"
"THANK YouuUU"

"I Walk Herereree Roboot Jonsz! EXCUSE ME"
*walkcycle*

Just some examples of how I view people.
At least I look at them in a playful way at this point.

People are just actors. They act their emotions. They aren't real. Maybe I am just always self-projecting. Maybe I am not real. I don't know. I feel the more I think of it the harder it is to know anything. What is "THIS" What is "THAT." I don't know. I can't seem to tell anymore what I am. Who am I.

I feel like I am just going into a endless mad rant. Losing sanity. Hard time just dealing with online people anymore. They aren't real at all. Always saying one thing. Then they are perfectly fine the next. Then turning on you. Then vanishing to be replaced with a new bot.

It seems my life has flipped. My dreams are reality and my reality are dreams. I am just dreaming right now but when I wake up everything will be better. I can forget this nightmare I have everyday where I wake up and stare into the abyss. Watching myself become more and more hideous and unlikable. The people won't even pretend to like me anymore. They flat out reject me.

Some of these bots irritate me and I wish they would go away. They end up being the ones that stick around forever.

So I get stuck with bots I hate. So I isolate myself even online. Nowhere to run to. I'm supposed to see someone in October. Though that is just a dream I think. It will fall through like everything always does. If I was hoping for the light to break through... it's just the fall. Maybe I am calmer now because I love the fall. The cool air breaking this burning heat melting me into a sad face puddle. "It's so hot" I like the clouds of winter and the leaves of fall.

Nothing good lasts forever though.

Just like life. Could it be considered a gift or a test. A test for some a gift for others. Just here to check it out and then be on our way.

I hate myself. I know what I should do. Get a job. Go to school. Something. Yet like I said. I am too lazy. "No you're not lazy." Of course I am. I am a lazy ****. I can just imagine everyone laughing at me. Everyone getting high off of someone like me. They love to think of someone lower than themselves. Everyone laughing. Just the thought enrages me. Shut your ****ing mouth.

People have always rejected me even when I did go out and try my best. Hell usually they gave me looks of disgust.

I'm not even sure where I was going with this post anymore. Just pointless rambling. My ear itches like hell.

I need to go.

[bluekoi]

Robot Jones, You are not too lazy to be an active member of PsychCentral. Personally I think you are very talented, but have not yet found your niche in life. Have you found a doctor yet? I don't want to harp, because I know you are sick of hearing the same old thing.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

Robot Jones, You are not too lazy to be an active member of PsychCentral. Personally I think you are very talented, but have not yet found your niche in life. Have you found a doctor yet? I don't want to harp, because I know you are sick of hearing the same old thing.

I need a robodoctor. A uh mechanic?! Someone who deals with robots. A tune-up. Perhaps an overhaul of my code. 01011210. See the 2? A 2 doesn't belong in there. That is wrong.

...

Not sure if a nurse practitioners work. She works alongside a psychiatrist but meh. I'll see what they think. Unless of course I manage to oversleep and miss the appointment which could very well happen.

[Steiner of Thule]

I feel ashamed of myself. Talked to someone on the phone just earlier. A storm is coming. I feel like I am being dragged through something I don't want to do. I have no control over it. I don't want to live anymore. I can't do it. Please don't make me go. I can't go through this shame again. I'll die.