[lostandlooking]

I'm a 19 year old girl and I feel like I'm on a really bad path ATM. My priorities are so screwed up. I'm shallow, manipulative self absorbed. I'm obsessed with the feeling of pain, I don't know why but I just think its so beautiful. I should mention I had an extremely, extremely traumatic past which I don't wanna get into.

Lately I've been coming to realize its the only emotion I can really access. Like it feels so real when I'm scared or hurt. Everything else just feels artificial and "put on". My best memories of people are honestly when they hurt me and then " kiss it better".

Take yesterday for instance. I woke up in a good mood, started playing happy music and ended up catatonic and and sitting on the bathroom floor listening to the cure and slashing my legs open...I bled a lot and then called this guy I'm close to and had a meltdown.

The problem was I *was* happy but I just couldn't get at the emotions. Like I felt numb to it and I wanted to feel it so bad, so I think I just went on overdrive and turned to pain cuz its the one thing I can experience intensely and I just didn't wanna be numb.

I just dont fet this. Nice guys do nothing for me. I'm drawn to the abusive ones. Lately it's been getting worse and I'm getting involved in blood play with 40 year old guys and all this ****ed up ****.

I feel like I'm on a really self destructive path and what hurts the most is more and more I don't wanna get better. I honestly just think its so beautiful and I feel powerless to stop it and I don't even want to. I'm obsessed with pain and I honestly feel like the day I find a guy who loves and abuses the **** out of me is the day I'll fall madly in love.

What sucks is seeing what it does to the people that love me and want better because in my heart I know I'm just gonna hurt them and hurt them by hurting myself until one day I'm just not around anymore. What's wrong with me?? I feel really mentally ill and I feel like my drive to get better is slowly slipping away

[waterknob1234]

Hi lostandlooking. Welcome to the Community. You made a first good start to improvement by posting to us here. I think you deserve a better life than what you have at the moment. Are you in counseling? It would be a good idea to see a counselor. You could see if your area has a community mental health service. These places often offer counseling and services on a sliding scale fee. Hoping you find a path to help.