[LelouchLamperouge]

My dreams used to be one of the few places I was able to escape to...now I think they no longer are since last night. I just woke up this morning from having a dream about my issues for the first time. In my dream, I was dealing with everything that had to do with my depression, social anxiety, and sometimes thoughts of suicide. Usually my dreams are a bit hazy and unable to really remember much about my dreams but I'm able to recall most of my dream. The thing that I dealt with the most in my dream is my brother trying to set me up with other girls. I would not put any effort at all in attempting to go through with it and would try my best to sabotage and avoid it. My brother and my family was constantly sick of and frustrated with my behavior. Then in my dream, I watched a video of another person who was similar to me that showed the road of his problems and how he was constantly unable to interact with society as a normal person within it. He was basically always alone and at the end he admits he wants to commit suicide but also wants to live at the same time. To me, it seemed that the state that the current state that person was in did go through with it even though saying he wanted to live. Since it was my dream, I was able to feel and know that person's thoughts. I realized in the dream that person was exactly like me and I wanted to commit suicide as well. Then I woke up.

I'm not really too sure why I dreamt certain parts about this as I'm not experiencing certain things that occurred in my dream in real life. I've had no experiences with my brother trying to set me up with other girls, etc. I wonder if this is because I feel like I'm going to be avoiding any kind of intimate encounters and relationships for my whole life? I guess deep inside I feel like I'm going to be alone for my whole entire life in regards to having an intimate partner or even alone in general for that matter. Sometimes dreams are a lot more honest of your true feelings than you are to yourself. Maybe I feel like I'm going to meet my downfall when I reach that eventual breaking point despite not wanting to go through with it...I don't know...this is just too much to think about in the morning right after waking up...

[lilypup]

I'm not good at doing links but look up pdf suicide safety plans. By the time you fill that out, it will really help. Then give it to friends and family and docs. Keep it handy for you.
Dreams are just (in my opinion) scenarios of thing you heard about or thought recently. No more and no less.
Many hugs to you. If you need company, come check out my blog.