Another overcast, rainy day, what is up with this? It seems like even nature wants me to be depressed - as if the whole fall season doesn't depress me enough. I wish we could at least get a little sunlight now and then, but nooo. Not only does it have to feel bleak, it has to look bleak also. Four straight days of cloudiness and rain. I feel like this pattern will never end, although I know it'll have to...eventually...

[regretful]

I'm stuck in a world of regret, shame and misery, and it is continuing my depression at an alarming rate. Medication is only effective in that I am not crying. It's only been 4 weeks on it. Back to the doc on Wed, and maybe an increase in dosage. But this is terrible.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I don't feel safe. No matter how bad the urges were before I thought I could cope, I felt safe. That changed at 2.12pm yesterday. There was a decision and although by 5.30pm I had delayed the decision, I know I can't hold out forever. I'm seeing my doctor today, I hope he can get me the right care. The thoughts are more or less constant, I can't sleep, this is bad.

[Nammu]

Had a nightmare.
Driving in the country on a new road with my mother. It was somewhere in the north. Stopped at various places. Once going though a small town there were people in the lanes without cars standing at a light waiting to make a left turn to buy tickets...we went straight. Another place a cross between a small airport and a park with inside furniture outside. We were sitting where we couldn't see the river, so mom, she's 86, grabbed two upholstered chairs and dragged them closer. She fell and I was worried for her health, I don't want her to die, but, if I killed myself before she died it would kill her. So I'm just marking time, waiting.

I don't fit in with my generation at all. I should've been a teen in the early 90's.
I feel so isolated and alienated and lonely...

[JustTvTroping]

Happier and more complete then I've ever been so far. I'm learning a lot for both self discovery and to learn about the world around through the various educational fields of study (free textbooks are the best textbooks). As I continue to learn, my personal world and this world are slowly but surely integrating, making me feel even more complete and not so...out of place.

Just finished ECT treatment #5. My depression is the worst it's been in a long time today. Just feel God-awful. I hate this disease. It is unforgiving.

[tigerlily84]

I didn't sleep well. Yesterday the electric company conducted a scheduled power outage for something or other, but it was just annoying, because the power went out at about 10pm and lasted until 6am today. It was horribly hot and humid, and I couldn't sleep. I was terribly anxious today at work. I felt like running out of the building screaming. Sui ideation was high. Too many people, wanting one thing or another. And I had to ask my boss if I could do a bit less until I get into the swing of things. I'm not sure when that will be, but she agreed. I also gave one of my shifts away to a coworker. I felt better after that, at least.

[tigersassy]

Hope this depression is just hormonal. First full day off flow. This sucks. Having SI thoughts. Head hurts so bad. Want to crash and never get up again. What the f×÷! Is wrong with my brain? It's attacking me from the inside trying to make this life unbearable. Is starting to work. I've been crying most of the evening and was sobbing for a bit of it. Need to try to sleep. Eugh...

Sometimes you see something on TV that perfectly sums up your sadness, without any words, and suddenly you have to hurry out of the room so your mom won't see that it's made you start to cry because it's something that has nothing do with you, and she would think it's ridiculous for you to cry...yet what you've seen and heard has hit you so hard that you've spiraled into a crying episode, and the sadness is almost too big to swallow.

[regretful]

Today, still depressed, but there's a brief ray of hope that has shone through. I hope that it lasts.

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

I care. I know what it's like. Hugs

Originally Posted by tigersassy

I care. I know what it's like. Hugs

Thank you so much...this really means a lot to me.
I just have so much unprocessed grief and sadness...it hits me so hard sometimes.
I can look at anything and be saddened by it.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

Another one here who reads these posts and cares...I harbor hope that all of us will feel some relief from this depression at some point.

Originally Posted by regretful

Another one here who reads these posts and cares...I harbor hope that all of us will feel some relief from this depression at some point.

Thank you so much...
That's all that's keeping me here at this point...the hope that someday I won't feel so bad.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by Bark

New thread!

As usual, I'm tired. And it doesn't get any better on the weekends. I want to feel rested for once....

I sleep enough but the only thing that helped my grinding fatigue was the Ritalin that was added to my new antidepressant.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

I don't like the clouds and rain but I really hate snow and dread winter weather. It's harder to keep positive when the weather is bad.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by Brintel

I sleep enough but the only thing that helped my grinding fatigue was the Ritalin that was added to my new antidepressant.

I've told my psychiatrist about it countless times. Today I spoke to a nurse to see if she could speak to him about it. I highly doubt he'll prescribe me a stimulant, but I'm hoping he has a better suggestion than drinking caffeine.

I ought to sleep now. Get around nine hours. Should be okay. (Then again I slept 6.5 hours last night, so maybe not.) The annoying thing is that often I feel like I have a bit more energy at bedtime. So I might be exhausted at 7 PM, but wanting to stay up a bit longer at 11 PM (like today). I am tired now, but I have some energy... and a bit of laziness. Must brush teeth....

I'm feeling worse after my 5th ECT than I did before it! Not sure what's going on, but I'm definitely worse, if that's even possible.