surviving, i guess.

all i really can do at the moment

[Bark]

In a bad place right now. I've partly given up.

Feeling low again this morning, just like I did yesterday morning. I had periods of feeling good yesterday so I imagine I will today too.

Having breakfast with a friend this morning, then we're going to a winter farmer's market, whatever that is. Not sure what else will happen. Maybe will run the car through the car wash, walk the dogs with my husband. Have an ECT on Monday - - maybe that will perk me up a bit. We have to be there at 5:30 in the a.m. and it's an hour away. Yikes!

Oh yeah, cooking a roast dinner for my husband this afternoon. During my severe depression, I never cooked. Now that I've improved some, I'm made a vow to myself that I will cook one nice dinner per week. Baby steps. So far, so good with the cooking (which I really don't enjoy doing).

[herethennow]

i give up.

finals are coming soon, there's many things due and yet i can't find any motivation to do anything.

not looking forward to next doc's appt. pdoc has summoned family and that would mean.....

well at least mom has taught me something - with regards to dealing with emotions, i will never be a person like her.

[Angelique67]

I realized that the absense of extreme stress in my life has left depression in its place. I'm struggling to keep my mind interested in things. I had a very active mind throughout all the stress. Now I feel like a wrinkled old rubber band that's so dried out it's crumbling.

[BubonicPlague]

NOPE!!!!

[twilightjewels]

I got great news last night when I checked my emails and saw an email from viahope that I was accepted for peer certification training next month (only 1 in 3 get selected). I was speechlessly excited (new one for me, lol) about it last night, but now I'm a little nervous.

Other than that, I'm waking up slowly. Sat outside smoking a cigarette and sipping coffee. Very little back pain this morning, always a good thing. The winter sky is really cool - like a blanket of creamy white with swirls of light gray. The air is a little cool, so it's peaceful and gently refreshing. Think I'll go sit out there some more. ; )

[tigerlily84]

My family is planning a week long trip to Yosemite this summer. I don't want to make a commitment to it, for many reasons. That's a long time to be with family, for one. I can barely deal with being around them for the holidays. It's not that I don't love them, because I do. But I wouldn't have any time to myself during that week. I have to psyche myself up to see them. Not sure how to back out of this gracefully when I have absolutely nothing planned, and I am feeling pressure from everyone to go.

Secondly, although I feel as if my depression has lifted somewhat, I still can't get out of the mindset of not wanting to make plans for the future. I can't help but still think, "what if I'm not here then?" I'm not suicidal, although I have been in the past. It's easier being around people now, but I'm still not 100% okay. I'm not really sure when I will be.

[Turtlesoup]

Had a rough couple of days after my tdoc appointment-we are going to back off some of the stuff I've been working on since my anxiety, nightmares etc. are so intense at times-I've also been trying to hard to relax (imagine that-I can't even relax properly) so I'm trying to exercise & read when I get really overwhelmed as those 2 things help the most with my multitude of issues. So I cleaned the fridge today & I'm really excited that my daughter will be here tonight for a 2 week visit . Hugs to all that are struggling-this is such a tough time of the year.

[BubonicPlague]

I'm sad.

It really hurts.

How come he gets a girlfriend and I don't get to be in relationship.

He wasn't impressed with me, and so he went after someone else to make him happy from his depression and loneliness.

I'm lonely too you know.

Why did you have to leave me behind?

[Bark]

Feeling a bit better. I just have so many stressors around these next few days that I got overwhelmed and couldn't take it anymore. Unlike a few days ago, I'm not going to take advantage of feeling better to study. Instead I'm going to try taking care of myself. Looks like I'll be going for an incomplete. I cannot handle the stress of a paper and moving out and moving in with family and and and.... I don't deal well with stress. I need to work on it, but for the time being, I need to take it easy. I need to love myself, otherwise I'm going to keep on hurting myself.

Another grey-clouded chilly day of depression. This morning I was in a stupendous brain-fog, dropping and losing bits and pieces of time - 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. The fog is clear now, but it's dark. I feel uneasy, parents drinking and I know tonight will be no different than all the others. Cried myself to sleep last night, in the dark, feeling so alone. It is ironic, that the very time in my life I feel I most need someone is the time I look around and find that I'm alone. I pray for something better to come along soon, but have no hope of it ever materializing.

[TheOriginalMe]

Felt down and meh this morning, couldn't eat breakfast, wanted to give up. Then as the day went on my mood picked up a bit. I've been doing that a lot recently, plus the really early waking, just to lie there feeling meh. Everyone says my mood seems better, but they are seeing me later in the day when I'm a bit brighter, not in the morning when I'm meh.

[Rose76]

Upset at the moment. My s/o criticizing that the top of my desk is messy. I'm sorry now for inviting him over to my place. He can be such a basturd at times.

[Perfectly Broken]

Feeling down, out of place, not comfortable literally inside my skin. Stopped taking meds since I was scared of running out, I moved recently and now I can't find the bag that had my meds. Guess it's another sleepless night full of pain and depression, can't sleep since I can feel my veins and blood pumping through my body which makes me anxious and freak out. Feeling pain in my stomach area, have no idea what it is anymore.

[ajohnson45]

Feel like crap. Thank god I am home for break so I don't have to suffer seeing my crush in class knowing that I will never talk to her anyway. Even if I did she would run off if we got to know each other because I am a screwed up freak.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Perfectly Broken

Feeling down, out of place, not comfortable literally inside my skin. Stopped taking meds since I was scared of running out, I moved recently and now I can't find the bag that had my meds. Guess it's another sleepless night full of pain and depression, can't sleep since I can feel my veins and blood pumping through my body which makes me anxious and freak out. Feeling pain in my stomach area, have no idea what it is anymore.

That all could have been written by me, so ditto. Except I haven't stopped taking my meds yet.

[SeekerOfLife]

Depression. It looks like it is here to stay. THAT is depressing. Struggling to put a lifetime plan together. This will take time.

[herethennow]

cant face anything school related - i feel like a failure.

pdoc appt coming soon.
i feel like defaulting and just ... give up.

Well, true to form, since it is first thing in the morning I'm feeling kind of low. As I wrote yesterday, I know things will pick up mood-wise because they always do as the day wears on. Not much on the slate for today. Will probably spend (too much) time on the computer and read when I'm not doing something with my husband. I think I will pick up a Sunday paper so I can check the help wanted ads. Oh yeah, there's the football game at noon, and we will probably go out to my husband's friend's farm to check on my husband's honey bees.

Dreading tonight because I can't sleep when I can't take my Xanax the night before an ECT. I'm going to ask my ECT pdoc to give me another med to take on nights before ECT so I can sleep. I also still have a fair amount of anxiety about the ECT in general. I'm thankful that they have helped me but just hate getting them.