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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 12:26 PM
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New thread!

As usual, I'm tired. And it doesn't get any better on the weekends. I want to feel rested for once....
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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 12:30 PM
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Thanks Bark!

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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 02:10 PM
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I second sidestepper's comment, thanks Bark!
Anyway . . .

After the short spurt of motivation that inspired me to do the work I did yesterday, I'm now right back to feeling lazy. Today's weather; been swinging back and forth between cloudy and sunny. I kind of just wish it would storm, with buckets of rain and hellish lightning and everything. But no storms today. I'm feeling bad because I know I should finish cleaning my room, yet can't seem to find the energy to do it. So half of my room remains uncleaned. I'm in a bit of a mental fog right now, which makes it hard to focus on one specific task at a time. Not feeling so much depressed as I am anxious. Dad will be home from work in about ten minutes, and after he sits down for a little bit and smokes a few cigarettes I know he's going to make a trip to the liquor store. It happens almost every day now, and I hate it. I hate it because there's nothing I can do about it; no amount of wishing and hoping on my part will ever change the fact that he and Mom are going to drink. I can only hope Dad won't get the hard stuff, or I'll have a night of yelling to look forward to.
 
 
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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 03:33 PM
  #4
It's a new thread, so I thought I'd check in again. I just had this thought that it has been a long time since I've laughed about anything. Depression is the worst illness. It's robbed me of everything that I used to enjoy.
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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 04:16 PM
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I'll check in again too to say that my depression is horrible today. I haven't genuinely smiled or laughed at anything either in a very long time. This disease sucks.
 
 
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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 05:13 PM
  #6
Did some work in the garden as the weather was fine and sunny. I got anxious as a council vehicle was parked in the road and the official inside was making notes on a clipboard, was she watching me? We can get into trouble here if our hedges overhang the road and that is what I was trying to fix. I had hedge cuttings on the path, again this is another thing councils don't like. I cleared it all away afterwards but of course she had gone by the time it was all clean and tidy. I will worry for the next 14 days (that is how long the council has to send an enforcement notice) about getting into trouble. So even on a day when my depression was not quite so crippling my mood crashed because of anxiety.
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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 06:08 PM
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Doing good. Middle ground for almost a month now. Yay.

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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 06:14 PM
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Thanks Bark!

I made it through the day! Now am at home, all is fine but my anxiety its not letting me rest, is like a constant remainder of my restless subconscious. The weather is not helping, it's raining and windy, had been like this all day long, after seeing my Doctor I went to the pharmacy and later to the supermarket, that was a challenge!
The good thing is that we have everything we needed for a while, so no worries about shopping. It' s taking a lot from me doing shopping like buying water, stuff that are heavy to carry on, because my body still suffering the sides effects of my breast cancer surgery. Anyhow, I carry on all the heavy stuff today because my hubby is sicker than me, I better stop complaining, I made it ! I did everything and my doc said that I am getting healthier, so - Dear Anxiety, would you please go and watch a movie and give me a break?

Depression hurt but anxiety made me so high and restless that I don't know what is more tolerable. Well, the true is that we all need to get better, there is hope. One day at the time, one hour at the time, keep moving, never give up!
PS: Even "the resolution of never giving up sucks".

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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 08:04 PM
  #9
I spent today trying to recover from yesterday. One good thing. I did motivate myself to go online and take the necessary short courses for my job. I am still behind in the courses but at least I got 2 courses done.
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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 10:17 PM
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I went to work today, and I forgot how hard it was to be around people. I found myself escaping outside on my lunch break (just like old times). It was interesting because I got hugs from coworkers telling me how much they missed me. Missed me? During my worst moments, I believed that no one from there would care if I was gone, because I was feeling suicidal at the time. So to hear that I was missed from several people was nice to hear. But it also made me suspicious. I have a very difficult time accepting compliments. So much so, that I began to wonder as to the other person's motives. Something is wrong with me.

Anyway, it was just one day. I work again on Saturday. We'll see how it goes.

Last edited by tigerlily84; Oct 03, 2014 at 01:22 AM..
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Default Oct 02, 2014 at 11:37 PM
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It seemed like it was a very busy ups and down day. My week off is about to wind down. It went by so fast! Today my friend and I went for a little harbor cruise. This is at where I live because I didn't go anywhere on my vacation. It was nice. But I felt like I ruined it for myself because of my depression. I talked to my friend a little bit before we went out on the cruise and he made me feel better.

We had a nice lunch after that, but I felt depressed again during lunch. I felt mad at myself. My friend is trying to understand me on how I feel. He has never had to deal with depression for himself. Maybe one very good reason why I felt so depressed today was because it was so hot outside. I hate hot weather. I really wished that it could be cool and drizzly at least. It should be that way by now.

In the late afternoon I took a bike ride. Normally it makes me feel better, but it didn't work this time. I felt depressed as I was riding. And then a fellow bike rider I briefly met up with told me that he was going to the hospital to visit a friend of his who was on her bike and got hit by a driver high on meth. It made the local news that I remembered. That really got me down.

But after that, I felt much better because of a couple of things. My sister told me that my brother had treatment today and he was in good spirits. And I called him myself and he was very happy that I called him. I was worried about him, but as of now, he seems to be much better off than I thought he was.
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 07:05 AM
  #12
Ups: Passed my life in the UK test, so one step closer to staying here.
Downs: After 4 strange incidences I think my room mate is taking my mail and either steaming my letters open or just holding them hostage for a time before letting me have them back. We found my husband's car keyed up today.
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Bark View Post
New thread!

As usual, I'm tired. And it doesn't get any better on the weekends. I want to feel rested for once....
I know what you mean . . . I have been at the point where I could sleep literally 18 hours a day, maybe more. After I went into the hospital my doctor added Ritalin to my treatment regimen, to augment the antidepressant. At least I don't have that miserable feeling of wanting to sleep all the time anymore and I have some energy to do some things.
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 09:41 AM
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I don't know how much more of this I can take...
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 10:33 AM
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Just finished my 4th ECT treatment. No major mood changes yet. Not sure what to do today. Feeling bored and lonely and lost. I just hate this disease. Life is not meant to be lived this way.
 
 
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 12:27 PM
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I always get more depressed in fall. The weather now is really effecting my mood. The days are still fairly warm, but the nights get chilly. Today it's cloudy and windy, been raining off and on, and the leaves look pasted to the wet black street. It makes me feel so bleak, especially knowing that winter is coming and that I'll have to stay inside all the time when it gets cold. I don't know if I'll be able to hold up.
 
 
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 02:55 PM
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These weeks aren't being very good. Depression or what ever...as been giving me a break...since I find my mental skills more awaken then they were some months ago. It is true I can't stop being lazy and unmotivated most of the time, but that's also sort of my personality.
Wherever, but social life, jugling and handling people I don't in school are awfull.
I trapped in this tangle I just want to get out of, but it's not my choice. I wish I could make an upside down change in this part of my life.
I have been working these days with people with very strong opinions always rebeling themselves against everything...opinions that most of the time I don't share, but I stay quiet of I try to fins a away to balance them. And these different people don't like each other, and I stand right in the middle.
I am not a fan of any of them either, but I keep it to myself. Just get me out of this! And while I try to not argue with them and to not make oposion, I can't agree with them either. Which makes me think they are talking bad things about me when I am not present, which they do many times about other people.
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 03:43 PM
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I feel flat at the moment, usually that would be normal for me, but the anhedonia has been and continues to be severe. Can't even listen to the radio anymore when I drive.

But very frustrated. My PHP didn't work out, I can't find an alternative, I found out from my T that the kind of group I was hoping for most likely doesn't exist in my area, my mom has decided that she has a phd in psychology and wants to dictate my treatment, and my T won't see me the extra visits that I really feel I need.

I've called program upon program looking for alternatives and nothing coming up yet. Found a place out of state, my insurance covers day and outpatient programs, but not inpatient, so by the time you add in housing, it's probably unaffordable.

So a little rough.
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 05:25 PM
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So I had a little awkward moment earlier...about 3 hrs. after I made my last post here. Been feeling bad all day, as I mentioned, weather and all that, but also because I've been feeling on the verge of tears for a straight week now and yet haven't been able to cry. But anyway...for all the first part of the day I hadn't eaten, so I was feeling pretty irritable on top of all my other feelings...near the end of it I was getting a bit light-headed, feeling sick, not able to focus on anything, and also had a headache. So that was even more misery piled on top of my usual daily misery, which made for a pretty big heap of miserableness. It was at the worst of this misery that my mom came into my room with coupons and asked me what I would like to eat because my grandpa had agreed to give her a ride to Burger King. I told her I wanted chicken, and she was like "Chiken? Really?" like that was the nastiest thing she'd ever heard. So yes, I grew impatient. Told her to get whatever she wanted, I didn't care anymore. I know it's ridiculous, but I felt judged and demeaned, like, can I not even have a say in what I want for dinner? I know...stupid thing to get upset over. But I hadn't eaten all day, like I said, and I wasn't feeling normal. So then my mom starts cutting coupons while sitting on my bed, and suddenly I feel this hot rush of burning tears come on, and so I stand up real quick and walk over to a corner with my back turned so my mom wouldn't see me, 'cause I was embarrassed. However, looking back I know she must have noticed because I wasn't hiding it very well. I kept wiping my eyes and sniffling. Yet she made no move to comfort me. So then my grandpa's horn blares from outside, Mom stood up and said "Bye" and I said "Bye" in this really shaky voice. I know she had to have noticed. Anyway, she came back with the chicken I wanted and I finally got to eat. But I've been feeling wobbly all day. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I just feel so thrown in a loop if that makes any sense. I feel unstable - not unstable as in having sui thoughts because I'm not at the moment. More unstable like I don't know what my depression will have me doing next...
 
 
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Default Oct 03, 2014 at 06:21 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl View Post
So I had a little awkward moment earlier...about 3 hrs. after I made my last post here. Been feeling bad all day, as I mentioned, weather and all that, but also because I've been feeling on the verge of tears for a straight week now and yet haven't been able to cry. But anyway...for all the first part of the day I hadn't eaten, so I was feeling pretty irritable on top of all my other feelings...near the end of it I was getting a bit light-headed, feeling sick, not able to focus on anything, and also had a headache. So that was even more misery piled on top of my usual daily misery, which made for a pretty big heap of miserableness. It was at the worst of this misery that my mom came into my room with coupons and asked me what I would like to eat because my grandpa had agreed to give her a ride to Burger King. I told her I wanted chicken, and she was like "Chiken? Really?" like that was the nastiest thing she'd ever heard. So yes, I grew impatient. Told her to get whatever she wanted, I didn't care anymore. I know it's ridiculous, but I felt judged and demeaned, like, can I not even have a say in what I want for dinner? I know...stupid thing to get upset over. But I hadn't eaten all day, like I said, and I wasn't feeling normal. So then my mom starts cutting coupons while sitting on my bed, and suddenly I feel this hot rush of burning tears come on, and so I stand up real quick and walk over to a corner with my back turned so my mom wouldn't see me, 'cause I was embarrassed. However, looking back I know she must have noticed because I wasn't hiding it very well. I kept wiping my eyes and sniffling. Yet she made no move to comfort me. So then my grandpa's horn blares from outside, Mom stood up and said "Bye" and I said "Bye" in this really shaky voice. I know she had to have noticed. Anyway, she came back with the chicken I wanted and I finally got to eat. But I've been feeling wobbly all day. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I just feel so thrown in a loop if that makes any sense. I feel unstable - not unstable as in having sui thoughts because I'm not at the moment. More unstable like I don't know what my depression will have me doing next...
It sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your family and perhaps you are the only real "adult" in the household, so no wonder you struggle to make sense of your feelings. You are a strong, intelligent and articulate young woman, and you are doing OK even if you don't know it right now.
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