This Thread isn't really about depression, although major depression would certainly be one of my diagnoses, I would presume, if I had one. (Maybe I do but no one thinks it's worthwhile to share it with me... I don't really think anyone gives a rip.) Besides, since I've never had any testing, it would just be someone's snap judgment anyway.

I see my pdoc tomorrow afternoon. It'll no doubt be the same old thing. He'll see me for 10 minutes. He'll renew my prescription. Then he'll tell me to come back in 3 months. I could do the whole routine myself. I could both ask the questions & give the answers, renew my script & write: "3 mo's" on a business card. Why take up his valuable time?

Something happened today. I've written about this in the Transgender Forum as well. But without going into detail here, suffice it to say... in an effort to assuage my Gender Identity Disorder (GID) difficulties, I've been doing various little things to feminize my appearance... nothing overt... just this & that. It's basically what my last T encouraged me to do. Then suddenly today it all came together &, right out of the blue, it dawned on me, I'm transitioning. I never intended to do this. I still don't. I'm old... I'm married... this just can't happen. But it is...

I've always been concerned that every step I would take to assuage my GID issues would just leave me yearning to move on to the next step. And, in fact, this has been what has happened. So now, with all the little things I've already done, I just yearn to take another step. And, at the same time I tell myself I won't... I'm afraid I probably will...

Where does this all end? It's like my GID is in the driver's seat & I've just awakened to realize I've merely been along for the ride all this time. I'm not in control. I never really was... I just thought I was because things were moving slowly. But now the pace has quickened, the wizard has burst from behind the curtain, & she is even more powerful than I could have realized. I'm scared...

[vonmoxie]

Since your meetings with him are so "efficient" as you describe, maybe you could squeeze in a couple of choice questions to encourage an opportunity for him to make the experience more satisfying for you? (He ought to have 20 minutes available to you more often than not, even on minimal benefits..) Like, we never talk about it but what's been your take on my diagnostics, or what kind of progress do you think I can expect continuing with my current medication... or whatever you'd most like to hear from him on, and however you think he might personally be most inclined to share. They sure are skittish to speak freely, as though employing any medical term at all is going to invariably incur an iatrogenic injury... But if you've been seeing him for that long, he must have some insight that at the very least is informing his recommendations, and therefore is something that could be quite helpful for you to know. Just a thought.

Good luck, I hope you will have a most excellent meeting, and will be feeling the power of possibility around your developing self-awareness

[TheOriginalMe]

Hi Skeezyks

It sounds like we are both going to have a hard time making ourselves heard today. Good luck with your appointment both in being able to speak up and in getting the help you are on the verge of reaching out for.

Things will happen at their own pace so if today is another see you in 3 months day then so be it, but if you know in your heart that this time you need more than that then shout very loud. That's my own plan for today, it's pretty scary I agree but so are the alternatives. Best of luck.

[TheOriginalMe]

Stupid phone always posts twice. Couldn't possibly be user error Maybe it is time for an upgrade.

[Nammu]

Is feminizing yourself really so bad? How does your wife feel, would she be supportive. I hope you have positive support from somewhere as I don't see this as such a bad thing. I'm straight, have had gay and lesbian friends, never met a transgender person but I see it as just another part of life.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Is feminizing yourself really so bad? How does your wife feel, would she be supportive. I hope you have positive support from somewhere as I don't see this as such a bad thing. I'm straight, have had gay and lesbian friends, never met a transgender person but I see it as just another part of life.

If it was anyone but me, I'd say: "go for it!" In fact, I typically do say: "go for it". But when it comes to me, I say: "OMG!"

My wife has been quietly supportive so far, even helpful. But she did tell my previous T one time, she could not tolerate my transitioning completely, which I understand. The problem is, there is a line somewhere beyond which I will be unable to cross. I don't know where that line is. I doubt my wife does either. But I'll feel the effects of it if-&-when I stumble across it.

The problem here really is, all of a sudden, a bunch of little things have come together & produced something I didn't realize was happening until yesterday. It hit me all of a sudden. So now, I'm thinking, what's next? Will I be able to stop at some point? Or am I on an express bus to transition with no way to get off? I don't know...

[Nammu]

I'm so sorry, it must be hard to live with those feelings of fear.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I'm so sorry, it must be hard to live with those feelings of fear.

I've always been pretty-much afraid of everything. So it's just one more to add to the collection...

[Curupira]

I am sorry you are afraid. It does make sense though considering that you are dealing with a major paradigm shift and are considering what impact this will have on your various relationships. That is pretty huge. Fear appears to me to be a natural response. I do hope it lifts soon it is not a good state to stay in.

You have my long distance love and support

I can empathize with the Pdoc frustrations. I am dealing with my own woes so lots of hugs and sympathy on that front as well.