[rukspc]

In the past few weeks, I've had a lot of ups and downs - some really awesome days and some plain bad. I've been spending a lot of time alone: going to movies alone (that's a huge thing for me), going for walks in the city/down by the water, attending events by myself and going out to eat by myself. As you can tell, I don't like staying home very much because I get too anxious. I've attended social events to expand my circle of friends but can't seem to find any sort of connection. In the back of my mind, I realize that I truly don't have a core group of friends that I just call up and say 'let's get together this weekend'. Even in college, I joined clubs for the purpose of making friends but only ended up connecting with a few people total. I've been bullied in the past and just have a hard time opening up to some people. Also, I've been feeling desperate for someone to talk to, wanting to be accepted by a group of people and companionship/relationship but at the same time, I know it's not what I need right now. I just feel alone.

My discontent comes from a few things: lack of solid friendships (either they moved away or we lost touch), blaming myself for others' shortcomings, blaming myself for a break-up, comparing myself to my ex, reaching my goals, second thoughts about whether I want to stay here or go (scholarship opportunity on the horizon), whether or not I am living my life the right way, can't seem to let the past go, holding onto guilt, feeling ashamed, worrying what my ex thinks of me, among other things..

I ask myself what I want out of life and I truly want to be happy, so I'm trying my best every day. It's so darn difficult, especially in those moments where I just get so overwhelmed and breakdown in tears. I always backslide with my thoughts and when I pick myself up, I get knocked down again. I've been fighting this internal battle for years and sometimes I feel like I want to give up and just throw my life away. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind because I feel like I'm not in control of my emotions and find it difficult at times to find the joy in the little things.

[kaliope]

i hope you feel better now that you have vented. i believe i can identify with what you are talking about. i want happiness and when i sit and evaluate my life, i truly cant find anything to be joyful about. i hate the idea of sitting down each day and trying to find one thing that made you happy or one thing you are grateful for because it really is a struggle for me. so the key to my happiness? (or as close as i can get to it...lol...being content) i just dont evaluate my life. i exist day to day and i dont think about how much it sucks or try to make joyful moments. i do acknowledge moments where i laugh or feel exceptionall happy because they happen so infrequently but i really work hard to just live in the moment.