Today I have been battling with myself. Well, not just today. The last few weeks I have been fighting with myself…wanting to end it…not wanting to. But I have just about been strong enough to fight it. It’s been hard. Today is something else though. I don’t know why today is different. Nothing has happened. I have a headache…which is nothing new, so I took a few painkillers. A few more than I should, just because. This was while I was at work so was limited to what I could do. But I was just counting down to when I could go home. And planning in my head. And now I am home with the means. And I just want to do it already. But I’m still trying to fight. There are things I want to do. And I keep trying to remind myself of that. But I’m afraid that it isn’t enough. I’m really not sure that I am strong enough today. Most of me has pretty much decided that I will, and there is just a tiny part of me that is trying to hold on. I am so tired of this. I don’t know if I want to survive anymore. It feels like nothing changes, nothing ever gets better. I just want it to end. I have been making out like I am ok to everyone around me irl but I am not. I think I am probably losing this fight tonight.

[Kathleen83]

On my bad days, I count by the minute. I tell myself that yes, I can end it all, right here, right now. I have the power, and the means, and the motivation, to end it and never have to feel this way again. BUT - can I hold on anyway, despite what I'm feeling, for just ONE minute? And then I watch the clock....and see if I can. Ok, I did one minute. Can I do it again? Can I do it for 5 minutes? Sometimes, the trick is to just keep breathing. Even when you don't want to. The only reason I've come up with WHY I should keep breathing is, am I strong enough to keep doing so? Despite the pain, despite the despair, despite the terror of living like this forever, am I strong enough to keep going, for at least one more minute?

[waterknob1234]

Hi Secretwhisper, I know the pain and suffering is hard. I know you are hurting. Try to think of holding on for those things you mentioned that you want to do. Think of getting thru this day, then planning something good to do later on maybe. You are a wonderful special person with a beautiful purpose.

I still remember how kind and helpful you were to me in my hardest darkest moments. That is something I will never forget. I have a feeling there is something special for you to do in this world. Try to hang in there and stay safe. You are a very good person.

[TheOriginalMe]

Time to call for help. I was going to write more but it sounded lame. Don't let this stinking illness beat you. (((((((SecretWhisper)))))))

[Kathleen83]

just checking back, hoping to hear from you.

Thanks. I've made it through somehow, and tucked up in bed safe... Don't wanna phone for help but now I'm a bit calmer I can see that I probably should... I'm annoyed with myself for not doing anything bad... Which is stupid. So I'm trying to keep that side of me happy and telling myself there is always tomorrow.

Yeah, I hate my head.

[Kathleen83]

Glad you made it thru - ! As for calling out for help.....that's always a valid option. If you are thinking you should, I'm thinking you should trust that instinct. You've been fighting yourself for weeks, you surely must be exhausted. Sometimes having someone (friend, counselor, p-doc, whomever) walk beside you while you fight, can make all the difference. Hoping your sleep is a restful one, and that you'll find a way to fight on. Why would I care about you doing so, if I don't know you? Because it helps me. Somehow, knowing someone else is out there, also struggling, and also surviving, helps me hold on too.

[waterknob1234]

Don't hesitate to seek help Secret, especially if it keeps you safe.

Things haven't been improving...gotta try and reach out and get help today. I'm scared though

[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Things haven't been improving...gotta try and reach out and get help today. I'm scared though

If I could...I would give you a moment of clarity.

[ToeJam]

Hey Secret I hope the day has eased up a bit for you. No need to be scared for reaching out, the help is there to be reached out for and its better than doing something you'll regret or land yourself in hospital (oh the joy that that is huh? heh )

Keep posting, let your feelings out and if you're worried about guidelines... well my pm is open for deeper stuff as you know.

Thinking of you kiddo

TJ

Well i did try..i phoned the crisis team but you know how it is...It was a waste of time and left me feeling like its all just pointless really. So im basically back where i started. If i can be bothered i may try again tomorrow...

[TheOriginalMe]

Keep on fighting. ((((((SecretWhisper))))))

I managed to find a little oasis of calm today, hope you find one too.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Well i did try..i phoned the crisis team but you know how it is...It was a waste of time and left me feeling like its all just pointless really. So im basically back where i started. If i can be bothered i may try again tomorrow...

Was let on to a little trick that at least works in my area... pressing the option for the home treatment team will get a negative response... but if you press the option for general enquiries you are more likely to get someone with a sympathetic ear and they in turn can make a judgement call on referral if necessary.

Technically the same office, just the home treatment are under strict instruction to deal with 'home treatment'.

Worth a shot.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Was let on to a little trick that at least works in my area... pressing the option for the home treatment team will get a negative response... but if you press the option for general enquiries you are more likely to get someone with a sympathetic ear and they in turn can make a judgement call on referral if necessary.

Technically the same office, just the home treatment are under strict instruction to deal with 'home treatment'.

Worth a shot.

We don't have separate options...just one number. You call up and chat and then it gets decided if they will come out and see you. The last few times I have called though I have just been told to distract myself and thats it. If I was coping just by distracting myself I wouldn't have phoned in the first place...!

[ToeJam]

Well, had to make a call myself today though my circumstances and access to support is a bit different. However, they did advise something that I believe is available to any with diagnosed MH: if things are unbearable, visit the urgent care unit of the hospital in your area that has one (first point of call before a&e) and as to speak to the MH practitioner.