[LifeIsCruel]

I battle/struggle/fight daily---literally by the minute....to not end it all....

People say, "That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

No!!!!

What if the problems are permanent!!!??? (i.e. I hate myself, my body-cannot change it-I tried...can not accept it,...hair loss, etc.....)

Now what?

My therapist is all about "change your way of thinking"...CBT is so ignorant!!!!

[Kathleen83]

Sometimes I have to take it minute by minute. WHY I don't, I don't have an answer for, but when it's really bad, I tell myself that yes, I CAN kill myself, anytime I want. I accept it as a given. So then my next question to myself is, can I NOT kill myself, for the next minute? Next 5 minutes? It refocuses me on surviving, instead of ending it all. But, like I said, I still haven't found an answer to why not do it....I just haven't.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Life, It sounds like you're finding it really tough right now
And you know me I'm not going to just be saying "That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.", because that kind of dismisses just how hard a time you're having right now, how hard it is to cope with things, how hard it is to hold on right now???
But the problems.............do you think we could narrow those down into symptoms of.........depression, low self esteem............????
And then maybe not as much a matter of 101 things to try to deal with, to try to focus on, to drag you down..............and some real solid things to try to work with/through???
And you know it is possible to work through things like depression, like low self esteem, like.........
Maybe you haven't quite managed to find something that "hits home" yet, but the more you try........?? And I know you have been trying...........perhaps if you could put out of your mind all the unhelpful advise you've had from different T's and try to reflect on just one slightly helpful thing from each............put those together and try to focus on them.........kind of like developing your own personal tool box of things that might help, personal to you.
And CBT, maybe you could guide that in a direction to help you more?? e.g. when putting together actual evidence that may "logically" challenge a belief.............well maybe the evidence there isn't really significant enough to you personally...........maybe you could be thinking "outside of the box" and it's totally different evidence you need to be looking for.........as much moulding the CBT to suit your needs. I know there's a lot more to CBT than that but.............
But the way you're feeling right now............
The self esteem.........could you for now "borrow", even if you're not feeling it, other people's "voices", as in plenty of us feel you're more than worthy, and your appearance........well plenty of people are going to/have really rated your appearance up there.
The constant thoughts............what do you think distractions, talking them out or challenging them one by one???
But if they're/everything is overwhelming then maybe hotlines/crisisline, or/and you know you can turn to us for support/to lean on. Because you know we/I really do care.

Alison

[Curupira]

I am not a big fan of cliches either. They are reductive at best and damaging at worst.

one thing I have learned that depression is definitely not one size fits all.

I am sorry it is so rough for you. I can empathize with the feeling of holding on as being a minute by minute thing.

One of the biggest helps for me came out of a book I was reading a while back. "Just Shoot The Damn Dog" it is a memoir of depression one person's experience with depression. But in it she says that suicidal feelings are not an aberration but rather just a another symptom of depression.

But as I said that is just me. Hope it helps

[DogTired]

One of the things that's most difficult for me right now isn't the thought of "what if this is permanent" but rather, "if I get through this does it really matter, because this WILL come back at some point and I can't go through this again" - and that thought is unbearable. But I am trying very hard to retrain my thinking and just get through NOW. This day, this hour, this minute. In fact, a lot of times I qualify my depression, since it is worse some times than others, but whether I'm fighting to get through the next minute, hour, or day. (I can't even think about getting through a week yet. I hope that will come.) Just thinking about THIS ONE MINUTE and nothing from the past and definitely nothing in the future, and just breathing in and out, sort of like a shallow meditative kind of thing, has gotten me through some very, very desperate times. It's so difficult to NOT think about anything other than THIS MOMENT, and maybe that way of thinking isn't something that will click with you. It's helped me, so I thought I'd pass it along and also let you know that I also understand what you are feeling and I care about you.

[waterknob1234]

Depression hurts so much. I have been there, where I just wanted to end it because I couldn't take it anymore. Getting thru the real bad feelings focusing on a minute at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time, that does help me.

When I felt really suicidal, I would stop and think of reasons to stay here. I would think, who would suffer if I took myself out? Then I would think of the things and people I feel the need to stay here for. That did help for me.

Take care and stay safe.

[LifeIsCruel]

Thanks for all responses....

For the record....I really have no family....with the exception of one aunt whom I love and an evil stepmother...both of which are at an advanced age and declining health.

You know....we can get a "money back guarantee" on almost everything!!! Even snacks!!!!...but NOT our bodies which are chosen for us by other factors.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................how cruel & unfair!!!! "We" are the ones who endure and suffer due to his! "

Hmmmm.....very thought provoking!

We can "click and select" basically everything!!!! Homes, vehicles, land, furniture, spouses (lol!)...but NOT our own SELF?

I am going to get deep here......

What if????...Prior to birth...we were given a "catalog" of features which we would desire by say age 25.......I know this is deep......but think about it!...If so..."I" could be happy, no suicidal ideation, content, have self esteem, no anxiety, and no depression!

I stay caught up in the comparison thing....EVERY guy I see...I wish I had his features (thicker hair, more huge muscles, more height-{I am only 6'3"}---what is disheartening is having tried and worked hard to attain these things and yet....I was never able to reach the level of satisfaction for me.......

[vital]

Originally Posted by LifeIsCruel

I battle/struggle/fight daily---literally by the minute....to not end it all....

People say, "That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

No!!!!

What if the problems are permanent!!!??? (i.e. I hate myself, my body-cannot change it-I tried...can not accept it,...hair loss, etc.....)

Now what?

My therapist is all about "change your way of thinking"...CBT is so ignorant!!!!

Find some healthy sensory experiences that you can enjoy right now. Take a walk, feel the breeze, pet a dog, have a nice meal, listen to music that you love. Your basic senses are trying to heal you.

The thought that "your problems are permanent" is just a stupid negative thought that keeps coming up because it has a strong emotional content. Everyone has the power to change.

Don't wait for your CBT to figure out how you should get better. Get active. Find what works for others. Keep trying new things. Actively trying new things in itself will help.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Life, you know I'd say that we could maybe take that switch theory a little further..........(and I am going somewhere with this!! ).............what if we could click on options for personality traits e.g. being kind, caring, considerate, sensitive..........that sort of thing.........I'm sure those are options lots of people would choose too..........still there's people who've missed out on those kind of things because, hey no switch.
But you.........well you don't need a switch..........you're there already without the help of a switch!!!!
And qualities like those..........well they rely on much more than things like the luck and the draw of genetics, they take something much more...........they are priceless!!!!
So appearance.......whether that's down to genetics or a click of a switch kind of pales in comparison when you consider what you have got which is pretty amazing, maybe??!!!
And you know maybe some of this self depreciation could be down to some of the experiences you've had??? So maybe by working through them, and seeing you (the whole you) as you really are could help????

And hey!! I can't remember you saying you were 6' 3" and you felt it wasn't tall enough (many apologies if you did!!) because that is above average.
Check this out: Average Height - Information on Average Female and Male Height.
Other sites don't vary by that much!!

But back to the most important bit, there is so much more to you than the way you look/don't look.



Alison

[lilypup]

I have been where you are I think.
My hang-up is my weight. I just can't get it off. It doesn't help that I take meds that make me hungry. I also basically won't exercise. I feel like such a loser.
I don't even know you but you mean a lot to me. I share a feeling of togetherness with you because you understand where I have been.
I hate my weight but I don't hate me. Please don't hate yourself either. I feel hugs and caring toward you.

Originally Posted by LifeIsCruel

I battle/struggle/fight daily---literally by the minute....to not end it all....

People say, "That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

No!!!!

What if the problems are permanent!!!??? (i.e. I hate myself, my body-cannot change it-I tried...can not accept it,...hair loss, etc.....)

Now what?

My therapist is all about "change your way of thinking"...CBT is so ignorant!!!!

You're so right! CBT is rubbish, it doesn't work for me either .