[Grey Matter]

I haven't vented anywhere, to anyone, since late August I believe. I haven't been on here, I haven't communicated with friends I made here, and I feel terrible about it. I basically had a proper depressive break down. My anorexia kicked back in. Though thankfully I was so exhausted and deadpan that I couldn't self harm. My physical illnesses have taken a turn for the worst, and I found myself in another abusive situation (not with my parents) and everything just... got very difficult too manage.

I stopped eating. I stopped taking my meds. Not because I didn't want my meds but because my brain could not comprehend time and when I needed to take them. My mom eventually took me to the hospital after I proclaimed, without really thinking, "I'm going to go sit in traffic" and actually went to the door and she stopped me. So this is about the.... fourth or fifth time I've been brought to the psych hospital.

Long story short; I was deemed unable to take care of myself. Court visits later, my mom is now my Conservator. Which means for anyone that doesn't know is that she is my legal guardian (in charge of my meds, meals, housing, making sure I'm stable). Which also means I have basically turned into a teenager again, following rules, etc. She is amazing and I am thankful for her. I just feel extensively pathetic for things like this happening again and again.

My body is failing. I am going to need a wheelchair soon. And it kills me. I struggle to be here and now that choice isn't mine. I want to live, I just want to be.... decent at living. I don';t want to be this pathetic mess that still needs a mother watching over me.

I am sorry to all the friends here I made and did not contact in that time. I feel awful, and I take responsibility for it. I just want things to get better.

[Nammu]

Welcome back.

[waterknob1234]

Good to have you back. Talk and vent away. It sounds like you have had a very rough time. Hugs to you.

[kindachaotic]

Can't remember if you like hugs but I snuck one in.
You're a very talented writer. Can you get the device that you
Talk into & it types your words.
I can't imagine living with all you deal with but don't have any great words of wisdome.
Hope you get some relief soon. TG for your mom.
You are in my thoughts. Won't risk another hug. :-)