I can't do this anymore. I want to go to the hospital but I can't force myself.

I've been in the hospital many times. I hate them but as much as I also hate to admit, I do feel better when I leave. It gives me a break from external problems and lets me focus on just myself and that helps. I just moved back home with my parents, sister and her two kids. There's only 3 bedrooms. Me and my sister share the same room. It's horribly stressful at my house but I just left a relationship of 6 years and I'm on ssi and I can't even afford to move to the cheapest place I can find in my city. So I have to wait for section 8 to open and then wait to get approved. So much stuff has happened since May and by now, I can't even think. I have schizoaffective disorder, major depression, panic disorder and PTSD. My emotions and thoughts have been cycling so fast. I'll be horribly depressed and thinking about killing myself and 5 minutes later, my mind will go completely blank and I'll start thinking something else and whatever emotion comes with that thought. And the cycle continues non stop. I don't even know how I feel because everything is so much that the only feelings I know for sure is despair and feeling like I can't be saved. It's gotten to a point where I don't remember nights. I'll remember right as I'm laying down but nothing before or after. I'll read messages, FB posts, texts, emails.. All kinds that I have no memory of what so ever. But the proof is there. There's been absolutely no change in my meds, which I'm only taking Xanax, Valium, hydroxyzine and viibryd. My doctor has given up on antipsychotics because we've been working for 4 years and I've literally tried everything, different dosages, different combinations. Nothing helps my hallucinations. They're 24-7. I get no break. I feel like I'm going to break into a million pieces at any second. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

But at the hospital, they never believe me about my Xanax and Valium dosages. I take 2mg 4/day if Xanax and 2 10mg nightly for sleep. To quote the last doctor when I was in the hospital: "no legitimate doctor would prescribe this much." And the most I can get is 0.5mg, 3 times a day and no valiums.

First off, I have to worry about having a grand mal seizure because of the extreme and dramatic drop after I've been at this dosage for 3 years now. If they're a doctor, shouldn't they know this? That they can kill me in the decrease just because they think I'm just another lying benzo addict? The anxiety from worry about having a seizure that could kill me is bad enough. I've already had one when I first started taking Xanax, before I even knew it was addicting or anything. My doctor didn't tell me that part when I first got on it. All I knew was it was my saving grace. So I go from 8mg of Xanax and 20mg of Valium for sleep to 1.5mg of Xanax and no Valium for sleep. It's scary! Not only does my anxiety go through the roof, which makes everything else worse, but it also makes me feel like a junkie. I have chronic back pain. Today I haven't even barely gotten out of bed because it hurts so much. I won't go to the doctor for it because I feel like they just think I'm another junkie, based on my anxiety meds. The most my doctors would ever give me was 800mg ibprophin and I ended up with two ulcers and now that I've had weight loss surgery, my doctor said I can't take NSAID period. So every doctor now just tells me to take Tylenol and even handfuls of those don't help. So that's another thing making me horribly depressed and suicidal is because I'm so tired of the psychical pain as well. It just feels like everything is too much and I can't handle it.

I told my mom I wanted to go and she got mad, rolled her eyes at me and said whatever. So that made me not go because she is my only ride.

Even after that all, I still want to go so badly but I just don't have the will to try. I would rather give up at this point. I kind of feel like this is my last cry for help before I give up

I can't talk to the suicide hotline. It makese horribly paranoid and I have horrible phone anxiety.

I feel like I can't win and there's no point anymore.
Living with voices nonstop. The pain. The depression. Everything. I can't handle this and it feels like the world gets heavier every single second that I stay alive.

Call 911 and tell them you need a ride to the hospital. Please do that right now. If you tell them what you're truly feeling, they'll send someone for you.

I'm so sorry your going through all this stress and pain. Could a neighbor help you out with a ride? You could try the non ER Number at your local police station Does your city have a mental health division of social services? They are trained to handle emergencies. I wish you luck.

Hoping you found a ride to the hospital, and that you're getting help, right now! Also hoping you get a doc / got one there, that was willing to listen, rather than argue with you.

I haven't gone. Today, actually 30 minutes ago, my doctor canceled on me very last minute. I was going to talk to her about it and see what she said.

I've never felt so.. Horrible in my life. And I've had horrible things happen. But id rather repeat trauma than feel like this.

I wouldn't trust or depend on professionals too much. They can actually do you more harm than good. Trust yourself.

can you take your bottles or get a copy of your Rx from the drug store that would prove the amount of anxiety meds you are on?

They can also try to find different meds that aren't so addicting that will work for you. A long time ago I too was on a lot of high dose anxiety meds and I'm much better with a mood stabilizer and propranolol for anxiety. For me the benzos actually increased my anxiety and created a feedback loop.

I begged the doctor last time I went to let my mom being my refill showing him proof but he just saying no. He didn't want to be proved wrong. That people did take high amounts. It's not impossible and that my doctor is 100% legit.

I've been on my current benzos for going on 4 years now. I know well about everything now. Me and my doctor tried lots of different things before trying benzos. All I know is that it's the only medicine doing any help in my life.

Please go to the hospital...

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Is it possible for you to switch doctors?