I'm unwell, I'm losst. I can't do nothing right, everyone misunderstands me, they misinterpret my intentions. The people around me treat me quite badly at times, I don't get any praise for good work, but they insist on reminding me of all the times I mess up. I could direct my anger at them, let my emotions take over, let them know a piece of my mind, but I choose to just 'let things be'. I don't care if they see me as a failure, because I can't really worry about what other people think of me anymore.

I am still young, I make mistakes, maybe I'm a little immature for my age, but that's because I've had to deal with many problems growing up (most of them in my head). I don't know who I really am, or how I can find happiness by 'being myself'. I don't know just the what the heck is wrong with my head. It hurts me that the same people that I thought knew me, think I make mistakes on purpose.

I've made numerous posts here, I'm thankful for all the replies, even if I feel like I'm beyond saving, I still feel a little better.

I should be taking better care of myself, I really can't, I'm not healthy, I look terrible. I've become reclusive, I reached out for help and or comfort in the past, received none, but I realize it was my fault for expecting help. I shouldn't expect any help as nobody really cares, I should just live with myself.

I don't feel like sharing too much here, because I'm a selfish person and a liar in a few peoples' eyes. I feel like a pest, I can't try to patch things up with people that have effectively closed all doors for me, there's nothing I can do. I don't cast a wide net, I only have a few friends, the loss of one will hurt me forever.

I don't really need anyone's approval, I know what I am, I'm not a bad person, but it seems I'm dwelling on the few that think badly of me and not the many that have a very good opinion about my character. It's just the way I am, I don't know. I cannot make everyone happy, but I strive to, I want everyone's approval, for some reason. I wish I were like the other people, I wish I could just ignore people that have caused hurt to me and move on with my life, but I'm not like that at all. I see the good in people, it's more than just me.

I can't help but feel like I'm in a downward spiral. I feel kind of detached to this world, like I'm on a higher plane of existence, as ridiculous as it sounds, I feel like a ghost, observing other people and all this happenings in this world. Not really feeling like a part of it. I know that it all starts with me, I should help myself, but I don't want to, for some reason, I wish I had someone who cared that can pull me out of this hole I'm in right now and straighten me up, but I have nobody.

I'm sensitive and hurt...... or maybe I'm numb and don't care..... I don't know....

There are people who know what kind of mental state I'm in at the moment, but still insist on hurting me, without a single thought or care about my feelings... well then, so be it, i wish them well.

Wow, that was long.

I'm fine by the way, I still do my job, handle all my responsibilities well enough, my depression hasn't stopped me, but I feel like there's more to life, and I'm missing out.

[waterknob1234]

Brokenentity I have felt just like you so many times. I understand where you are and it hurts. What hurts the most is when somebody knows you are suffering in a depression and go ahead and hurt you anyway, or use it against you. That has happened to me.

But also know there are good and kind people in this world just as there are cruel people. When in depression it becomes hard to see the good and the beauty, but it is there. The people who treat you badly cause so much hurt. Try to focus on the many you said have a good opinion of you. Reach out to us any time you want.

Lots of love and best wishes to you.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity, I sense you're downplaying the way you've been feeling in that second post there??
Although, yes, there's going to be more to life...........and that doesn't have to be out of reach.........it's just that right now you're probably being dragged down by the depression, by things that have happened in your life and some of the people around you do you think??
And to dispute that no-one cares about you.............we/I care, OK??!!
So............the people around you who are judging you......well you know you're better than that right?? Like you said you do good work, like you said you're not a bad person, like you said you're entitled to make some mistakes..........so if they can't approve of you the way you are then they don't even deserve your approval.
If you see the good in people behind those things then that's a great quality to have, just try not to let it all be at your cost, hey?? You still need to have some expectations for yourself as to how you need/want to be treated in general.
And the depression........please don't stop reaching out for help.........even if it's been unsuccessful in the past that doesn't take away from the fact that you deserve it. So don't stop trying you are not beyond saving, and we're here for you as well.

Alison

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Brokenentity I have felt just like you so many times. I understand where you are and it hurts. What hurts the most is when somebody knows you are suffering in a depression and go ahead and hurt you anyway, or use it against you. That has happened to me.

But also know there are good and kind people in this world just as there are cruel people. When in depression it becomes hard to see the good and the beauty, but it is there. The people who treat you badly cause so much hurt. Try to focus on the many you said have a good opinion of you. Reach out to us any time you want.

Lots of love and best wishes to you.

It does hurt, they know what I'm going through now, they know what I went through when things were alright between them and me.

Thank you, I just feel so lost at the moment, not a person that cares.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi brokenentity, I sense you're downplaying the way you've been feeling in that second post there??
Although, yes, there's going to be more to life...........and that doesn't have to be out of reach.........it's just that right now you're probably being dragged down by the depression, by things that have happened in your life and some of the people around you do you think??
And to dispute that no-one cares about you.............we/I care, OK??!!
So............the people around you who are judging you......well you know you're better than that right?? Like you said you do good work, like you said you're not a bad person, like you said you're entitled to make some mistakes..........so if they can't approve of you the way you are then they don't even deserve your approval.
If you see the good in people behind those things then that's a great quality to have, just try not to let it all be at your cost, hey?? You still need to have some expectations for yourself as to how you need/want to be treated in general.
And the depression........please don't stop reaching out for help.........even if it's been unsuccessful in the past that doesn't take away from the fact that you deserve it. So don't stop trying you are not beyond saving, and we're here for you as well.

Alison

Thank you so much, Alison.

Sometimes I start a thread and then I runaway, because I feel guilt.

The people I'm trying to reach out to have already closed all doors for me and don't think I'm worth lending an ear anymore and hence, I can't show them what I'm going through, nor can I tell them.

I don't think I'm beyond saying (My mood changes all the time), but it's just me, there's no one else for me. I had the worst year possible in 2013, the people around me didn't care, what hurts me and angers me at the same time, is the fact that they knew what I was going through. Petty grudges was all they cared for, not a person in suffering.

I took care of myself, somehow. I thought It was all over for me, I thought I'd be forced to quit school, I couldn't study, nor could I find any peace of mind, but I pulled myself back up and fought back somehow. Thanks to nobody. I learnt a lot about people, it's very hard for me reach out to people again, don't get me wrong, I don't hate people, I love people. I hold no grudges, I am always willing to move on, I'd apologize even if I wasn't the one who made the mistake, for the sake of friendship.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity, you do realize that this: "I took care of myself, somehow. I thought It was all over for me, I thought I'd be forced to quit school, I couldn't study, nor could I find any peace of mind, but I pulled myself back up and fought back somehow. Thanks to nobody" is amazing, don't you??!!!
Well done!!!!!
Now a little more self care in terms of other people, hey?? And a little less of this: "I'd apologize even if I wasn't the one who made the mistake, for the sake of friendship"!!
You know anyway that you need to be looking for better, more caring people in your life..........to up your expectations of others and how they should be treating you.........
But for the people who have hurt you, may hurt you..........well I'm not at all suggesting you hold grudges, resentment, feel bitter, that's only hurting yourself, but a little more self-protection, hey??
Like if they're starting to let you down/cross that line, not being afraid (?) to walk away/distance yourself emotionally sooner, like trying to let their failures in the way they treat you stay with them instead of allowing their failures to continue hurting and hurting and hurting you and standing in the way of you moving on to better.
And if that means cutting more people out of your life..........well much better to have just a few people who are genuine and really do care, than having that many more people who aren't/don't.
And there are really caring people out there who are much more worthy of your attention. But if you're struggling to find them right now, well you've always got us
Alison

Thank you Alison.

I don't know if my way is the right way, as i struggle with people, I get attached to people, I have a really hard time moving on (I can't move on), but other people seem capable of 'moving on'. I wonder why am I still hurting about something that happened a year ago, most people would just laugh it off and think I'm silly.

If I let go of all these people that don't want me, how will I know what will happen to them? If I break contact, does that mean I stop caring for them? Isn't caring a basic human trait? still care, and I still want to know.

if someone doesn't want to speak to me or see me anymore, is it wrong for me to want to know how they're doing? they've shut me off completely, so there's no closure for me at all.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity, you can still care about someone while at the same time recognizing that they are damaging to be around and "let go" of them. You can still wish them well in their lives, in your thoughts, and hope they do well, as you move on with your life towards something better. And as their memory gradually becomes less frequent while you're concentrating on your life, making/allowing things to be better for you, you can still hope they're OK on their own track of life. You can still care, safely, if you want/need to.
It's not "wrong" and it's not wrong to wonder how that someone's doing from time to time either.
But you don't have to care, it wouldn't make you less human if you didn't/chose/tried not to.........it would more mean that you've in time accepted an ending (an ending to something that wasn't great/that hurt you) and "let go".
But the hard time moving on.........maybe you're needing that closure more than some other people might, but that doesn't need to mean that there's anything wrong with you, and that doesn't mean you're silly. Although if closure doesn't come naturally maybe you could work on creating your own closure??? And different things will help different people so just throwing some stuff out there........something symbolic like visiting a place you shared for the last time and leaving something..........finding a song that resonates with the relationship and letting go and absorbing/feeling that as many times as you need..............doing something new which they may have held you back on...........writing a letter to them (but not sending it) where you write about your feelings/say all the things you'd want to but recognising with them that things have to be over.............can be kind of personal to you, but perhaps you could think of some things that might be meaningful.
It can be really hard, but you've so got to put you first, you deserve to be able to move on to new people in your life/people who are better for you.

Alison

[Fuzzybear]