[TitusDen]

I'm 31 yrs old and have been suffering from PTSD, depression, anxiety and other things 1O for years now since military service . Actually got released medically for PTSD and have been struggling since then. About 2 years ago I started making some progress and started working out, leaving the house for groceries etc. Eventually I got persuaded by family to go to Europe for 2 months to change scenery. I've been here for over 1. 4 years now .
It's true during the first 6 months I loved it here, got my hip surgery etc. But for the past 10 months my whole family thinks I love it here and I don't want to leave, on the contrary I hate it here, I despise every single second , I want to leave but my depression and anxiety had been crushing me. Every time I visit the site to buy plane tickets back home I get a panic attack. Also the fact I lost my apt back in the USA is a factor.
I now have an empty apt here in Europe now and I can't escape this hell hole.
I outburst extreme sadness plus crying through out the day, insomnia (haven't slept in 4 days), constantly contemplate suicide.

Only thing saving me before was music and working out but when I had my hip surgery I didn't workout and now all motivation is gone. Only thing saving me now is music and music alone is stopping me from doing myself in. I guess I wanted to let some stuff out as my psychologist of 10 years is useless. It's not that she's bad as she's world known and analyst on news channels and writes popular books but the fact I'm a worthless human being that will never be fixed .i blamed her for a long time but now realize my life is a waste. Don't worry I won't kill myself yet as music is literally saving my life.

Also I should add. My character is flawed I never completed anything in life. I feel like my mind is constantly battling my soul.

So concluding :

-I'm 31 yrs old
-no education completed past lowest level of high-school
-have xxy genetics
-realize I might be Gay or bi at 31
-constantly injured and need surgeries
-Never complete a single thing in life
-abused as a child on a daily basis
-uncurable ptsd
-2 years of lifting weights and no muscle gains sure to xxy
-realized there's no point in making any goals as I'll never finish anything.
-insomnia
Plus way more just tired of writing. I made this long though cause I'm bored of watching yt, insomnia is making things worse as before id atleast pass 8 hours with sleep. Now I have this extra time to contemplate and make ma matters worse.

I probably won't read the replies or enter this thread again.

I hope you can find the strength to claw your way back, TitusDen. It sounds as though you are in a very dark place. Having tried to eliminate myself twice now, I have some sense of how you're feeling. My best wishes to you...

[lonely-and-sad]

Well this is a particularly sad thread. XXY is very cruel. Still you are not worthless. You are valuable to us. We hope you stick around. You just never know maybe you can make a difference to others.

[vital]

Are there people back here in the USA that you're close too?

Where are you in Europe, by the way? Do you feel isolated over there and maybe homesick?

- vital