[Little Jay]

Hi,
I don't know where to start really. I found out today that a girl I went to school with commited suicide last night. We weren't close and dodnt talk often just the occasional comment on facebook and say hello if i saw her. The fact that we hardly knew eachother really and werent close should mean that it shouldn't be effecting me so much, but i think because ive been in that position before has just really shocked me. I even found myself thinking that she had more courage than me because i couldnt fully go through with it -how disgusting of me is it to think something like that! Seeing all the pain and sadness her death has caused has been a big wake up call for me, and has left me feeling extremely guilty for putting my family through my attempts and for even considering doing something that would hurt the ones i love so much. I feel like its been a bit triggering for me too, and has brought all the emotions from my depression flooding back after a couple of months almost free from it. I feel like maybe i need to take the day off work tomorrow and book in to speak to someone in my psychiatric team. But if she wasn't a close friend i just feel like im being dramatic. I'd started thinking to myself who would have even have cared if it was me, seeing hundreds of people on Facebook posting beautiful things. I start thinking noone would be doing that for me because only a small few people even care. My cousin was killed last year so this is the second person in my school year to die - I start to get a panic attack about that everyone i know and care about are going to keep dying one by one and it terrifies me. I dont know if to try and make an appointment, it will probably be good to talk it all through with someone properly. I just feel so stupid when its not a close friend more of an acquaintance but im still triggered!

[Clara22]

Hi Little Jay,
Do not feel silly, we do not choose our triggers. I was triggered by the Sui of a tv star husband
Sending you a hug

[Idiot17]

Often enough I've been triggered by others suicide...((((Jay))))

[BreakFree]

I know how you feel. Last year a girl I knew for a short time committed suicide. I didn't know her very well, we weren't close friends and didn't ever talk much. But I felt such strong emotions- such sadness, guilt, anger, much like you experienced. It triggered an intense bout of depression just as I was starting to feel better. I didn't hurt myself but I had to be in the hospital for 4 days so I could get stabilized. It was traumatic for me. I still think about this girl everyday.
I just wanted to share because I have felt the same way as you-- and I thought it was strange to feel such grief for someone I barely knew. But it's completely okay, your emotional responses are always valid. You're not being dramatic at all. You should take a day off and talk to someone about it. Maybe talking it out with a close friend or professional can help ease your emotions.

[Little Jay]

Thank you all, I have to find out if I can still speak to someone in my team - I've been avoiding seeing them for months and I don't know what happens in that situation, I'd hope they wouldn't just cut me off. If one of them can't see me I'm not sure what I'll do. My partner, family and friends don't understand my depression so I don't like to speak to them about it.

[Fuzzybear]

thinking of you ...

[Olanza-what?]

Im at a lost for words. IF you need to talk or feel edgy, please, please call someone, 911, whatever it takes to ease your mind and heart. Other suicides trigger me as well sometimes. It makes me feel like a coward. I start writing, drawing, eating or anything else that takes my mind off of it. I even left the house and went to a public place.

[Rohag]

I'm so sorry for this loss on top of another recent loss.

Originally Posted by Little Jay

I feel like maybe i need to take the day off work tomorrow and book in to speak to someone in my psychiatric team. But if she wasn't a close friend i just feel like im being dramatic.

It is entirely rational for you to speak to someone. You are not being "dramatic".

[Little Jay]

I ended up not going to work and laying in my blanket all day. It brought up memories of my close cousin who died last year and i ended up having a panic attack about that everyone i love keeps dying and that im going to end up on all alone i was crying for hours and all the negative feeling and thoughts of suicide came floosing back, but now along with feeling guilty for thinking about it. Ugh i feel so terrible!