Found myself researching (trigger warning)

I just need to know that someone is here. Everyone in real life over reacts or freaks out when I tell them I'm not doing well because of my actions in the past. I just need someone to reassure me that I'm not a bad person and that everything is going to be alright. I'm slipping into suicidal thoughts after doing so so well lately. I'm such a failure, I can't even manage a few months without getting back to this!

You have had a big shock this week, of course you are all over the place. That is perfectly OK and normal. Anyone in your situation, regardless of their own past experiences could find themselves trying to make sense of a horrible situation by putting themselves as close to it as possible.

I recently found myself doing exactly what you have written about. I'd been safe for years and suddenly I was coming up with an ideal plan. That really scared me, I was terrified that I was going to lose all those years of strength and that once I lost my safety it would be gone for good. I got as far as choosing and visiting the place and I was about to collect what I needed and then suddenly I realised "what the hell am I doing?" In all that time I hadn't given a thought to the people I love, that's when my safety net suddenly caught me and I was back to feeling almost safe again, but I was shocked and mortified by how far I'd let myself slip.

You need to remember that you control the thoughts, they don't control you. Importantly, even if it doesn't feel like that to you, by writing about it you are taking control. It sounds like you have a safety net, other posts of yours suggest you care for the people around you and don't want to hurt them.

I developed a mantra to help me back to a safer place, maybe a mantra would help you too.

Mine was

Thoughts are just thoughts* they don't have to become plans*
Plans can be changed* and don't have to become actions*
Actions can be broken into stages*, you can stop at any time* actions are not inevitable*

The stars* are all times you can ask for help and remember it is never too soon or too late to ask for help.

If you don't want to bother your crisis team (I can understand that) and you don't want to freak anyone out, have you thought about talking to the Samaritans? They are really good because they don't send anyone round to your house and if you hang up on them it doesn't matter. They are really good at just listening, no judgements and no risk of ending up on a ward when you really don't need it.

Stay safe and strong, and believe in yourself, you've got this far because you are a strong person.

I would say that the very fact you can write such a clear and honest post proves you have much going for you. I hope your present mood passes.

It's not your fault. Triggers can be very powerful. Even if you didn't know her well it affected something in you. It will pass. We all react differently. It has happened ten times to me that I can think of right now and all people close to me. I have been there many times myself.

Stay safe.

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Opinion: This is not failure. It is the episodic character of the illness.

TheOriginalMe offers a valuable mantra. Perhaps to say it differently: You cannot keep the birds from flying over your head; you can keep them from building nests in your hair.

Slipping... absolutely not!!! Just a rough patch. We all have been there, and know the inner crap that goes on. I'm calling for what it is, and we are hardest on ourselves. How we, all of us, talk to ourselves shows this inner challenge that we all face. Think of it this way, with a little example. When a baby smacks you in the face, is not the same as an adult smacking you. Anger can show, and our inner self talk is what is happening.

We care about you, never forget that!! Yes, life is hard and crap happens, but stop "should-ing" on yourself.

Yes, these thoughts are happening and each one is tough, but "call it for what it is" a coping skill!!

This has worked for me, it's tough, it's not easy, but life is worth living! I know that I am not perfect and I also know that no one else is, and that gives me hope. Don't give in to those thoughts, keep fighting!

You aren't a bad person, everybody struggles! Some more than others, but that's nobody's fault.

You know where I am if you need to talk

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I just went to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, and was told that he has discharged me because I have missed 2 appointments! Which I haven't. I know I have missed one appointment, and that is why I was calling to re-arrange (it was over a month ago, but i've been doing badly and just haven't re-scheduled it). If they arranged me another appt because I missed the first, nobody let me know. They didn't let me know I had been discharged!

I was told that I have to go back to my GP for another referral so that I can make an appointment. So I have to have an appointment with my general doctor, who will write me a new prescription (I've ran out and have been getting my prescription from the psychiatrist, who has now discharged me), who will then refer me back to them. What a waste of time! This also means I have to ask the psychiatrist when I eventually see him, to refer me back to the CPN for CBT! I've just been completely cut off and all I did was miss one appointment! You'd think that they'd be a bit more considerate, I just feel completely unsupported and as if it shows that he really didn't care about me to cut me off so easily.

The worst thing is the doctor will tell you that you should have just been able to ring up to rearrange! This has happened to me before...

They should really just be there when you need help, as specially if you have been refered before, you should be able to re-refer yourself. Generally your usually self aware of your mental health :/

The nhs sucks! I hope you get seen to soon

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