[TheOriginalMe]

2014 was pretty rough, I'll be glad to see it go. I had one amazing experience though, maybe this time next year that will be all I remember of 2014, unlikely but I hope so.

[tigersassy]

How do you make holidays special when you're worn out by 8pm daily? I don't even think I'd know how too make it special if I didn't feel tired. I worry my spouse resents me for all of this crap in our lives.

I think I should have stayed with my name needarealitycheck, cause I feel like I never got to reality this year. I kept avoiding what needed doing. Thought I was ok, felt ok, now I feel like this is the most confusing night of the year. And it is all my own fault.

Hugs all

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I think I should have stayed with my name needarealitycheck, cause I feel like I never got to reality this year. I kept avoiding what needed doing. Thought I was ok, felt ok, now I feel like this is the most confusing night of the year. And it is all my own fault.

Hugs all

Ah! Didnt know you are needarealitycheck ><
Think i have been away from PC for too long..

I guess when we are down, we create our own fantasy world so as to make us happy... Hope things get better for you

Another year has come to an end. It seems like it comes so quickly. Had to work today and will have tomorrow (my birthday) off. But back to work on Friday. Today was slow at work, but that was to be expected. Seems like no one was there. I imagine that Friday is going to be like that also.

Nothing going on for New Years Eve. My friend will be away all day tomorrow. I was hoping to spend some time with him on my birthday. He wanted to spend time with me, too. He said that he would be home around 4PM tomorrow and then we could have dinner. It doesn't sound like it's going to happen. But maybe we can make up for it.

I worked out after work today. I felt like I was not emotionally into it. I felt tired at times while working out, but I got though it. With weightlifting, you can't have a depressed feeling and do well with it. Although it can help make me feel better after doing it. Which is better than not doing it at all.

My friend just called me while I was typing this out. We only talked for three minutes and that was a disappointment. He was out tonight and has to get up early for tomorrow. Plus he said that he was very cold. It's very cold outside tonight, especially for the area that I live at. It does not get that cold often.

[H-H-H-H]

had a nice enough new years eve. despite being alone, ordered in a chinese- then watched all the celebrations on TV.

no sleep again and today feeling depressed that everything is now back to normal. (not that it really ever changed for me), but the tv skedules etc have
gone back to their regular programming and that says it all

but also relieved that i'm not going to get any emails from people saying happy new year!. it's hardly a happy new year when all i've had to show for my
lif every year is depression, anxiety and mental pain.

so i suppose i'm a little happy too, if that makes sense

I don't know, I'm scared. Think I'm dying from something, don't really want to pin point it because I haven't yet. But I woke up and my blood sugars were way down, even though I ate and take meds properly...I'm frozen (this area I live in has turned very, and I mean very cold )
So there is a mixed strange feeling of, oh, if i'm not going to make it much longer, then that is a relief, but at the same time, i have 2 boys (one is a grown adult now, thankfully he is doing very well), that mean everything to me and I want to continue being mom to them. I barely sleep because I feel scared lately and like I don't want to miss anything.

Well, to be quite honest I would have to say that 2014 absolutely sucked because it involved severe depression that lead me to ECT of all drastic measures. Hoping 2015 continues to be no more than mild depression and, obviously, ideally no depression and a job would be great!

Even though it's pretty cold I'm going jog/walking with one of my dogs as soon as my husband gets up. Have to do dusting today and generally start getting ready for the "Christmas" party we're having at our house for my family on Saturday. I can't say that I'm jumping for joy about jog/walking but I know I'll be glad I did once I'm done.

Happy New Year everyone!

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I don't know, I'm scared. Think I'm dying from something, don't really want to pin point it because I haven't yet. But I woke up and my blood sugars were way down, even though I ate and take meds properly...I'm frozen (this area I live in has turned very, and I mean very cold )
So there is a mixed strange feeling of, oh, if i'm not going to make it much longer, then that is a relief, but at the same time, i have 2 boys (one is a grown adult now, thankfully he is doing very well), that mean everything to me and I want to continue being mom to them. I barely sleep because I feel scared lately and like I don't want to miss anything.

scary situation to be in

sorry it's happening to you

i know it does not help much, but i've had the feeling of dying... on days where my depression is so bad i'm in so much physical pain, it feels like i'm going to drop dead. (litirally)

check out my thread in the anxiety section... think it come in handy

[Bark]

When midnight came around I didn't feel much. Felt blah. I took photos because I felt at least I'd be doing something useful. My dad snapped at me and I didn't understand why. Then, it hit me: I hadn't wished him a Happy New Year. So I did, and I made a New Year's resolution on the spot that I would try not to blow up with my sibling. I ended up feeling better and started to enjoy it a bit. Had fun rubbing a balloon on my hair and playing with the resulting static. Kids were staring wondering how I was able to make a balloon stick to my hand.

Today's been a slow day. Been putting my resolution into practice.

Sleep these days has been horrible, though. Either I wake up throughout the night, or I have dreams I spend screaming or crying or what have you. And they feel so incredibly real. In one lucid dream, I realized it was a dream, so I tested my senses. Blurry vision, but good hearing, smell I think, and definitely touch. Although I seem to always struggle to walk or feel dizzy or tangled up....

Anyway, Happy New Year all, and a Happy Birthday to will19!

[Angelique67]

I'm beginning to think moving again is my only option. I moved 10 times in the past 10 years, I really don't want to land somewhere strange all over again but it's the only way I can try to survive. I'm so depressed here. Sleeping later everyday. No tub, no laundry, the constant booming noise from downstairs. I've had it.

[boomerango]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I think it's brave and wonderful that you can see yourself doing that. Your life will improve a lot, even though you feel so badly now. It will get much better.

I agree! Shy Poet Girl, you deserve a safe place. brave girl!

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

scary situation to be in

sorry it's happening to you

i know it does not help much, but i've had the feeling of dying... on days where my depression is so bad i'm in so much physical pain, it feels like i'm going to drop dead. (litirally)

check out my thread in the anxiety section... think it come in handy

Thank you, which thread?

Drank too much. Did things I regret last night and now feeling pretty depressed. But I'll be okay. I hope so anyway.

Did not sleep well last night because of noise from the outside, especially at midnight. Felt painful in bed, but I wonder if it's because of the anticipated tension for midnight. There was a lot of noise at midnight but it didn't last very long. I guess it was because it was so cold.

Woke up this morning with a feeling of dread. Had my breakfast and only felt slightly better. Trying to relax today, but I might do some domestic stuff just to keep myself occupied. Feeling very alone. I'm expecting phone calls today because it's my birthday. I dread getting a year older now. I think a lot about where will I be on my next birthday. I feel like I have so much personally to take care of this year and I hope to be lead in the right direction.

Maybe my friend and I could get together later on. He took a bus to go to the Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena. He said that his daughter was involved in one of the floats. He told me that he could possibly be back here around 4.

I'll probably post back on here later on.

No one else replied since I posted, so I'll post again about later on today. Had some phone calls from people wishing me a happy birthday. They were what I expected. It was nice to talk to them. Took a one hour bike ride since I kept myself fairly busy today. At night I went out to eat with my friend. We ate at a place we had been to before. It was alright, but didn't seem as good as before. Funny thing was that depression hit me while I was eating. I don't know why. Perhaps it was because of the music that was playing. They were playing terrible music. After dinner we talked for a while and that was nice.

[tigerlily84]

I am sleeping a lot more. In 10-12 hour stretches. I feel tired all the time, and I just don't have any energy to do simple things like my laundry, making my bed, etc. This does not bode well.

feeling okay.

gladd it's friday

means i've struggled through another week..

[herethennow]

hospital called. they want me to be in next week.

i'm stuck between the two ends - i don't want to be hospitalised, but yet i know i need that place. i'm not looking forward to what comes after i check in though. mom and her words... me fighting for discharge or home visit as my exams are 2 weeks away. i can't possibly skip these exams - it would mean more financial burden for my family. no. i can't.

feeling like it might not make a difference afterall - i would still be stressed over school.

i don't know.
still largely sui and just want to end it all.