A bit of life story.

I'm going to write about to as far back as I can remeber, I believe this will be from the age of 3 or 4 *(1997-1998). I know these things to be surprisingly acurate, so accurate that some times it's scary. It's important to remember that I haven't told anyone what has really gone in my life before, and that I am safe right now (2013).*

1997

One of my first memories as a child was when my parents were having a rough patch. It was close to the ending of their marriage, I must have been around 3 years of age. He would pretend not to smoke, but one day he was working in my grandmas new house (neither of them knew about this) and my grandma, grandad, mother and I all found him trying to hide that he was smoking, he was so shocked when we all found out.*

From here, everything detiroated, sounds stupid right?

My next memory was from around the same age, maybe its a bit before that. My Great Grandma and Grandma Yvonne had came to Newcastle to stay for a while one christmas. Great Grandma had really bad asthma, needlessd to say that christmas eve she had a really bad asthma attack. This resulted in hospital and not long after they had to go home. That christmas everything went wrong, I know my mum found out my dad was cheating on her that christmas, although they will never admit it to me. I was already very mature for my age at three years old - I had to be.

1998*

The next thing I remember is when I was getting into my mums Fiat Panda, it was yellow and we were leaving and driving down to Burton on Trent because that's were my mums family were and my mum and dad were splitting up for good. I understand it must be hard to rekindle a marriage after the death of a child. She always blamed me for this.*

1998 - 1999

I was 4 years old when my parents split up, my mum had travelled to Burton on Trent with me and my older sister ashley. I know that she got a council flat in the area not long after at all. She got a part time job, she started to find herself again, and though we had left my dad, we were beginning to get *happy again. I remember that she used to get me little things like lion king stickers, and I used to stick them on my wardrobe. She didn't get angry, even though it annoyed her, she didnt really get angry in them days.*

Not long after she must have got together with my step-dad. I know they met by one of the back page advertisements on a newspaper 'single man looking for woman'...so on and so on. I found this pretty odd, although I didn't really find this out until I was 11 years old, even then I thought it was strange. I started to wake up and go to my mums room, there would be a strange man in her bed and she didn't really say anything about it for a long time, I know he would leave pretty soon after.

Not long after this had been going on, she had obviously fallen pregnant, needless to say that we all moved into his house. He had two sons. They are both a bit weird.*

I don't remember much from here, maybe that's because I block it out. I know I used to have a *lot of accidents when I was a child, this was probably due to the stress of moving 160 miles from my family at such a young age. I was so unhappy, I think ashley was ok at that time, or at least thats what she pretended.

The oldest of his sons, Richard, would come into our room with those addidas tracksuit bottoms and sort of rip them open at the sides, so they fell from his waste. He had nothing on under these trousers, he would do this around 6 times a night, and get in to my sisters bed, sometimes he would get in to mu bed straight after. I don't remember how long this went on for, it was a long time, me and my sister shared a room while living in this house (wetmore road, burton on trent) so I saw everything that happened.*

One night, he went to far, he raped her, I heard/saw it all, she was in the bunkbed underneath me. I was paralised with fear and I didn't really know what to do. I assume I pretended I wasnt there, because I can't remember what happened right after. The next thing I remember was being in the social services offices, they had, had to fit cameras in our room to catch him in action, and this must have been just after because they did in fact catch what he was doing. I don't recall them doing anything to stop it though because everything stayed the same for another year.

After Terri was born, they got married a few months after. I can't believe they bought another child into this world to get involved in all of this trouble that was already going on.

1999

We moved house to Anslow (beamhill road, Anslow, Burton On Trent). Here I would cry every night that I wanted my grandma and grandad, but i used to get told to shut up and go to sleep, I was getting smacked already by then, but I only seem to start to remeber this now that I am jogging my memory while writing this. This was by my step-dad, not my mum.*

Richard and edward shared a room, and me and ashley shared a room. It's all very strange that they still lived with us at this point. The first thing I recall is that we used to go and watch disney movies in there room, they would make us get into the bottom bunk with them. Why my parents left us alone with them I will never know. Anyway, as you would expect, they messed with both of us (sexually - though I didn't remember what this was then). Richard would get Ashley, and Edward would get me. I would be 5 and he would 11 and Richard would be 14 and ashley would be 10 years old. I assume someone found out because they got put into care finally.*

The next thing that I remember is that Ashley had physically hurt me one night, and I was upset and hurt like any 5 year old child would be. I went crying to my mum, and she went and twisted ashleys arm around her back and scratched her back, but like really dug her nails in.*

This was just the beginning, in weeks to come, she threw remotes at us, 2ps, one day she scratched her car keys into my face. Yes i was still 5 years old at this point. Other days she would kick the **** out of us in the kitchen, I'm not really sure what we did wrong. I can't remember any thing else until I was in year 7, there seems to be a 6 year gap of no memories at all.

2005.

I am really unsure of what happened for the previous 6 years.

I started to cut myself at the age of 11. 100s of times at once. I collapsed my veins, It's almost like I would get some sick kind of pleasure from it. This didn't stop, it only got worse.*I like to see the colour of my own blood.

My mum forced me to go to church, by this age I had pretty firm beliefs, and didn't want to go. When I voiced my opinion she didn't talk to me for three months.*
By this age I knew I liked girls, and this would never be ok.*

2009.

My first girlfriend was called Amanda and she had cancer. I am not sure if I had any real feelings for her or it was because she was attractive and I wanted to look after her because nobody ever looked after me.*

I stuck by her, many suicide attempts. She tried to hang her self and overdosed many times. Which where all unsuccessful. Until she started her treatment and then she overdosed and drank a lot of vodka, this time she didn't make it through.*

2010.

April 20th - Came out as being gay, my mum told me she would rather I was a paedophile or rapist.
April 26th - My step dad started taking advantage of me even more, previously he would come in to my room naked and told me we were close enough for this to happen.

September 10th - I took an overdose. 26 paracetamol. My mum kicked me out for this, but that was just an excuse.*

2014.*

Things have changed a lot since I wrote all of this. I have lost all my emotions and admitted to the voices in my head. I have demons and they will get me, every body else is helping them get me. It is like being watched all the time.

I do not remember anything that has happened previously, when reading through I have no emotional attachment to it, it's sort of 'oh well'. I guess this could be because I am overall of these things.*

I think even the nhs is trying to get me. It isn't nice for people to watch you sleep.*

I am numb to feelings, I don't really feel anything, but at the same time I am incredibly depressed and there is something not right inside my head.

I remember non of this, I found what I'd wrote to my counsellor 2 years ago.

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Wow.
It's a good thing you did write out your history when you could. Does your present counsellor know about any of this?

I don't have one anymore, I have a CPN and I'm on antipsychotics :/

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thanks for sharing this with us

i really hope that you find what you are looking for here

you have been through so much.

i sincerely hope that in time, you and your sister will heal from the trauma.

None of what happened to you is your fault, do not ever blame yourself. In your circumstances it is not surprising that you feel people (in general and the system) are out to get you, you have been let down many times.

How is your relationship with your CPN? I'm in England so I know how erratic NHS care can be and getting therapy to deal with complex problems can be nigh on impossible. Do you trust your CPN enough to work with her/him on these issues, or maybe your CPN can put you in touch with one of the charities that deals with abuse.

The abusive issues aren't really a problem anymore. Of course I've been labeled with emotionally unstable personality disorder because of them...this couldn't be much further from the truth.

I don't have rapid mood swings. I've had a period of depression since September. I suffer with pyschosis, delusions and auditory and visual hallucinations, disassociation, detachment from reality, no emotions, social withdrawal, jumbled thoughts, I have no short term memory, angry outbursts, and other stuff

It's getting them to see this? I've recently got a new CPN in a new area...she is good and try's to help as much as she can. Ive had 4 years of therapy but it's no longer the issues. There is something wrong in my brain, there are 2 demons inside

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You've been through a lot. Sorry that you had to go though it. For many people, any one of those things is traumatic enough, but the fact you went through them all is really sad.

You say you have two demons in your head. Why two? How do you know there are two?

They talk to me and each other. The only know I know they are different is because one sounds female and the other is a deep male voice

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What do they talk about? (If you don't mind me asking)

'Kill yourself, go on do it, do it, nobody needs you anyway
Stamping up and down the stairs
Slamming doors
Stab them
Go on go on
Stamps up and down the stairs
Shouting my name constantly in the shops. Go on, hurt yourself. If I could Id buy a gun and make you shoot yourself.
There is a knife in the kitchen, walk in front off the car, do it, you know you want too.'

Bit from auditory diary I have to keep

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So when these voices speak to you, how does it make you feel?

Disturbed, they can take control of me

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