[cduki]

Hello. This is my first post here, but I'm sorry about how scattered and unorganized it is. I'm not at a good point in my life right now, so I'm having difficulties with piecing my thoughts and feelings together.

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So I've kind of entered into this spiral of despair that may have been going on for over two years.

I can't tell if I'm horrible at studying because I'm depressed, or if I'm depressed because I can't keep up with my studies. Part of me keeps telling me I can get good grades if I weren't so lazy. Then I beat myself up over it. But then again, what if I'm lazy because I'm depressed?

After moving out of home and attending university for over a year, I broke down and returned home to take classes at a nearby community college. After about a year of that, I thought I managed to get my act together, so I returned to the dorm-life at the university.

Half-way through my first term back, things fell apart... again, and they haven't gotten any better (I'm currently on my second term here). I don't have the heart to tell my family about how I'm really doing, so I'm constantly lying about my school-life and dreading the inevitable point in time where my lies and failures will come crashing down on me with several times their original weight.

Because of this, I've been having more and more dangerous trains of thought. I wonder, "How nice would it be to stop existing?" I phrase it like this, because I feel that "ceasing to exist" and "dying" carry very different feelings for me.

1. I'm absolutely afraid of dying. I don't like pain. I don't like imagining pain, so I don't like thinking about what it would be like.
   
2. On the other hand, to be gone from the plane of existence sounds nice because it is the state of being gone rather than the process of getting there.

I just. I really. Hate. The burden I place on others.

My inability to take care of myself. My dependence on others. My separation anxiety. My social anxiety and increasing isolation. My monstrous student loans. My family's horrible, worsening financial situation.

I feel like I screwed my family over by doing horribly at school. I have no way of paying back those loans, and my family won't be able to handle the financial burden if I stop taking classes now, but I don't have any goals or dream careers to push myself for.

I don't like it. I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to read up a bit on depression and anxiety on the internet (which is how I ended up here). I'm also planning on setting up an appointment with an on-campus counsellor once that service opens up today. I'd also like to consider trying medications, but I can't think of a way to get to a doctor without letting my parents know about it, since we're all on the same family health-care plan.

I'm not sure if it's too late to change for the better, but I'm hoping I'll be able to stay motivated and find the best alternative to throwing myself off the face of the Earth, hahaha.

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I have been bottling everything for so long, I'm not used to asking for help, but I hope that reaching out to people here on these forums is a step in the right direction.

Hi! Welcome to PC. Well, like you, I started at a university too, and I stopped attending classes, was super depressed and alone, and I failed and withdrew from college. I'm at community college now. I don't think you're lazy. I think you're depressed and you lack motivation because you don't know what you want to do with your life, and on top of that you're dealing with depression - does that sound right to you? It's good that you're here though and you have plans to see a counselor. That's a good idea and I think you're going in a healthy direction. And I think it's important to tell your family about what's going on and for you to decide what to do about college. Do you think it'd help if you were part-time student instead and just did two or three classes at a time?

Do you have any hobbies at all?

[qwerty_kid]

Depression/anxiety has a nasty tendency to hijack all aspects of life, whether it be motivation, socializing, or concentration. Currently, like you, I'm living in a dorm at a university, but I've been in and out several times because my parents believed I might try something rash without parental supervision. I'd highly recommend you stick with an on-campus counsellor and decide together if medication is necessary. It's easy to get lonesome and allow thoughts to brood, so try to find hobbies or friends to distract you. Or simply go for a walk around college. I think fighting your depression should take priority over everything else, and good grades will result.

[vital]

Hi cduki,

I know, it's hard to tell what's what when you're caught in a bunch of self-reinforcing thoughts and bad feelings. See if this describes what you're going through

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

Post #74 of that thread has what I think is the best plan.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4162657-post74.html

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

- vital

[Turtlesoup]

Welcome cduki-I think you will find lots of support here. I know from my experience one thing kind of fuels or drives the other-like sometimes my anxiety feeds my depression & then I get really anxious because I'm so depressed. Some people can do the whole university thing at first & others (myself included) had to do community college first-nothing wrong with that. There should be counseling & nursing services available at your school so that might be a good first place to start-the counselor/nurse could also help you speak with your family & let them know how you're really doing. Please take care & know that you are not alone.