[jack009]

Hello everyone.

More then a year ago i became severly depressed due to guilt.
I made a mistake and cheated on my GF by kissing someone else in a bar. (nothing happened after that btw).

I confessed and my and my now (wife) are still together and happy.

But ever since this guilt/ depression kicked in i started to feel guilty for ALL my sins i have done in my life.

Its so weird. i think about something in the past and if theres a aspect of that memory that i feel like i caused hurt. i become so depressed again up until i get suicidal thoughts.

Recently istarted feeling guilty because about 2 years ago i used to mistreat my dog. nog like punching and kicking. but just bullying and sometimes pulling the leash so hard he would gag. and this is just on of the thing i used to bully him with.

I did not do this every day btw. it was whenever i got mad. and i dont know why i got mad. i think i had and stil have anger issues.

i have to mention that i have been abused alot as a kid. mentally but also physical.

I now am 27 and i never have been treated for my childhood problems.
My mom was a alcoholic and she used to be mentally very abusive towards me and my little brother. we moved out towards our father when i was about 10 or 11 years old.

But ever sinve i feel like it had damaged me alot. wich i up until now always had denied. i always thought that it had no effect on me.

But i now know that was not true because i used to have very weird tendecies as a young kid. sexually but also a bit sadastic. i used to bully alot when i was younger, but also got bullyd by others, because i used to be 'diffrent'.

I joined the army when i became 17 and went to afghanistan 2 years later, wich was a harsh experience and i gotten ptsd from it. i had been treatended for that with EMDR. and it helped alot. but still is not gone i think.

Does anyone knows how i can deal with this guilt i have?

I know for sure im a diffrent person then back then, just because i finally see the pain i cause with my actions. and because of that i am so depressed, i became this little scared boy who is affraid for everything right now.

I am in counceling right now, i go to a group(s) therapy every tuesday, and i take medication also. 300mg of wellbutrin a day.

I feel like if this guilt keeps going i eventually wont be able to live anymore. i am so sorry for al my sins. please let me live again..

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Jack009. I suspect it is not possible to separate the feelings of guilt from depression, PTSD and the legacy of abuse. You'll probably have to deal with everything altogether. And you are doing that with the group counselling and meds. This is probably going to require some time.

Will the group counselling permit you to address your particular powerful guilt feelings?

Please make yourself at home here.

For reference:
Post-traumatic Stress forum
Survivors of Abuse forum