Depressed and feeling alone.

Depressed

I have suffered from chronic depression every since I can remember. As a child growing up with it. I never knew what was going on. I was told that I was no good and would never amount to anything though out my life. I believed that for many years until my grandmother opened my eyes back in 1991. She made it a point of telling my how proud of me she was. How I was turning my life around. How I was taking control of my life.
Ever since then I have done thing to keep improving myself. In March if 2003 I lost my grandmother. Ever since then I have seemed to let my life go down the drain. I no longer cared about myself of even what I was doing. I felt like I lost the only person left in the world who cared about me and who had truly loved me.
Then I met my husband. I wanted to feel loved so badly that even though he was very emotional and mentally abusive I still went through with the wedding. Actually I almost called it off the night before but when my father made the five hour drive to attend my wedding and to give me away I felt like I would be disappointing him if I backed out. So I painted on a smile and went through with it. Five months later I found myself in a woman’s shelter trying to re-build myself.
It has been a long and hard battle but I thought I was managing.
I feel into a really bad depression a few weeks before Christmas and it lasted until after the New Year. I went and seen a walk in clinic doctor and had my medications changed because I kept taking myself off due to physical side effects.
Since my medication has been switched I have not felt like myself. I figured that my dosage needed to be changed and I would be fine. The doctor increased it and now I feel even worse. I need to go back onto my original prescription and learn to deal with the painful side effects.
I can not see the doctor again until the next clinic opens on Friday morning.
Now I am realizing that I am still in that same depression. I have had a few good days but more not so good one.
I am now living in a small community with my husband not far away but we do not talk. That was not the case when I had moved here. I had moved here since I am no where near my own family and I was still getting along with my father in law. Now since my husband and I don’t talk, my father in law will not talk to me either. I have managed to make a few friends but feel so alone.

(((((hugs))))

You sound like a strong person... who keeps on fighting.

Yes, medical depression never really goes away, but is managed. When things go fairly well IRL, it doesn't seem such a problem. It's when things begin to dump that it rears it's ugly head fully and tells us all the lies it wants to, just making us feel worse.

I think we all have to make some tough choices. One of yours might be to decide HOW MUCH/MANY side effects of a medication can you work with, versus feeling dreadfully depressed all the time? Talk to the doctor... meds often take a bit of time to figure out.

Hang in there.. PC is here for you

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i hate that you are feeling so badly. believe me when i say that things get better. and i had the same prob with meds. some have serious side effects that are no fun to experience. i tried about 5 before i found the right one. they saved my life. make sure to talk bluntly with your dr and detail the way you are feeling and your side effects you experience. you'll find the right one and it can make a world of difference. best of luck to you and keep fighting to find the right answers.

I would like to say thank you for the support and encouragement. I am not sure what has happened tonight, I was feeling more down then I have in a long time.
But something snapped in my head. I started laughing and feeling better. I have regained my strength to stand up and decided I an not going to let things get me down so much.
Everything happens for a reason. Maybe the past few months was a reminder of what I have fought long and hard for to achieve. My self respect and self worth.
I have allowed people to walk all over me and take full advantage of me since my grandmother passed away. I might be totally crazy but I can feel my grandmother here with me coaching me to go on.
I will be seeing the doctor on Friday and will discuss other options. I will be bold and blunt with her. I will let her know what is going on in my head. What I have been hiding from people for many years.
I just hope I am on the way to recovery and not ready to take a major fall.

((((((((((((((love to you))))))))))))))))

yes you do sound very strong. i feel my grandad is here with me still too, close relationship with him til he died.

i'm so glad you are feelong better. if you need to talk pm me anytime. i know loneliness too.

much love jinnyann xoxoxoxoxox

Feeling a little uncertain and even scared. Out of all my thirty some odd years off suffering from chronic depression I have neve come out of it like I had the other night. My children and long tiome friends are worried about me and the way it happened. They have never sseen it either.
One friend mention to me last night that she is worried. She hopes I am out and in the clear but can't help but think that what is happening might be the calm befroe the storm?

Still going to see the doctor tomorrow morning. Mayne she can tell me what is happening. Today I feel burnt out and just want to sleeep.

Good thing it's Friday. Last night for no reason I started getting really moody with everyone around me, mostly my 15 year old son.

I just thought I needed a good night sleep and that I would feel better this morning. Boy was I wrong. I feel even worse.

My friend called to make sure I was still going since she will be driving me. At first I said no and would not budge but the called her back and said I would get ready.

What I don't understand is that nothing happened to set me off.

Well I managed to get back on my Zyprexa and now I have something for anxiety. starting to feel real drowsy so I am going to lay down.

Good afternoon eveyone.

Well I finally got a good night sleep last night. I feel a little better menatally as well. I am still in a bit of my depression and am still feeling lonely.

I have managed to do some housework. I vacuumed the downstairs floors and washed the kitchen floor. Just have to do the living room and upstairs. I have also managed to do two loads of laundry so far.

I know it does not sound like much but I have not felt like doing anything the past few days.

Well I hope everyone is feeling better today.
Thank you fo all te advice and support. You don't know how nuch it means to me.