[wassupiig]

It's been a while I don't write anything here. That's mostly due to the fact that I overcame the aggressive depression that was eating my soul. Most of my posts used to be about my problem with being homosexual, promiscuity, and being hurt by men. Those things are not a problem anymore. I am more mature, I know my worth, in other words I am finally happy. However, tonight I realized that I'm not okay. Things might be better than before but I'm still not ok. No matter how great things go, there's something that always drags me down. Tonight I've been having thoughts about wanting to die. These feelings come from the fact that I don't have a job, I've applied to a few places but haven't gotten a call from anywhere. I feel like my family isn't proud of me. They always say 'oh you should get a job' or 'oh why aren't you working.' I don't know what I want in life anymore. I haven't been able to get a simple job at a fast food restaurant or a store which just shows how hopeless my future is. There is nothing out there for me. I really want to just disappear right now. I'm crying. I'm alive just to make other people happy because I am really miserable. I just want somebody to tell me "don't be a coward and jump off a roof" I need the courage and greed so I can end this life once and for all. I want to end it.

[Crazy Hitch]

(((wassupiig)))

I am glad that you are writing here again.

It always helps to put pen to paper.

And write down how we feel.

Input from members who have shared the same thoughts and feelings that we do is invaluable.

I am glad that you did go through a phase of overcoming the agressive depression.

I am glad to hear that you are working through / have worked through some of the previous issues that lead you to post here. This is good.

Now.

You have reached a stage tonight where you have realised you are not okay.

This is okay.

We are allowed to say when we are not okay.

It's drilled into us to be "polite" when people say "How are you?" - We say "Okay thank you".

Well.

We're not always okay and you should say so when you are not.

Yes, we will have some things that will drag us down.

Sure.

And we will from time to time have some intrusive thoughts that jumble through our mind.

You're thinking you want to die.

Well yes you have been thinking of many things:

- no job
- multiple applications
- no response
- feeling inadequate to your family
- pressure from your family

Oh that is a lot of thoughts to be dealing with.

You swirl those thoughts around your head for a long time and hey yeah the intrusive thoughts will get dark and black.

Don't judge your future by looking at your past.

Don't look at your past = you're not going that way anymore.

Sure.

You have applied for jobs where you have been rejected.

This is going to happen.

Does this mean you will NEVER get a job in the future?

Oh intrusive thoughts will tell you you will never get a job in the future.

You are not your intrusive thoughts.

Don't listen to them.

Put your intrusive thoughts aside for the minute.

They cloud your thinking.

Intrusive Thoughts says: "There is nothing out there for me."

Hooligan says: "There is something out there for you. You will find it."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "I really want to just disappear right now."

Hooligan says: "I need you to stay here so you can start thinking forward; clearly; without intrusive thoughts blocking your vision".

Intrustive Thoughts says: "I'm alive just to make other people happy because I am really miserable".

Hooligan says: "There are people who love you. Your intrusive thoughts are telling you otherwise."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "Don't be a coward and jump off a roof."

Hooligan says: "Here is the ladder. Now climb off the roof."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "I do not have courage."

Hooligan says: "It is okay to be scared sometimes."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "I want it to end".

Hooligan says: "Your star will only shine in the darkness. Please wait."

Hang in there.

I am glad you posted.

[Louemz]

Hey wassupiig,

I'm sorry you're not feeling great at the moment.

I understand the feelings of failure that can manifest when things in life seem to consistently let us down (employment opportunities, in this instance). What I tend to realise when I'm in these situations is that sometimes feelings of failure for a depressed person can be part of a vicious cycle of thinking. What I mean by this is that inherently we tend to feel like failures regardless of our circumstances, and when things i.e. not hearing back from job applications happen to confirm these preexisting feelings, then we tend to ignore extraneous reasons as to why it might be happening. Basically what I mean is that by already feeling helpless and inadequate, we tend to view "failures" as entirely our fault. I'm quite sure the job market is quite stressful and competitive out there, and that there are other factors contributing to you not hearing back from your applications. It's not your fault, and you deserve a job just as much as anybody. Keep at it and we'll done for already making the effort.

As for your thought of wanting to die, I want you to remember that these will pass. Easier said than done, I know.

Are you seeing a psychologist or psychotherapist at the moment? If not, you're welcome to pm me if you ever feel like someone to talk to.
Otherwise, I know this site has some useful contacts in times of crisis.

I truly hope these feelings pass for you sooner rather than later. All the best to you.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Louemz]

Ps, sorry for the appalling grammar. Damn auto correct

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[wassupiig]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

(((wassupiig)))

I am glad that you are writing here again.

It always helps to put pen to paper.

And write down how we feel.

Input from members who have shared the same thoughts and feelings that we do is invaluable.

I am glad that you did go through a phase of overcoming the agressive depression.

I am glad to hear that you are working through / have worked through some of the previous issues that lead you to post here. This is good.

Now.

You have reached a stage tonight where you have realised you are not okay.

This is okay.

We are allowed to say when we are not okay.

It's drilled into us to be "polite" when people say "How are you?" - We say "Okay thank you".

Well.

We're not always okay and you should say so when you are not.

Yes, we will have some things that will drag us down.

Sure.

And we will from time to time have some intrusive thoughts that jumble through our mind.

You're thinking you want to die.

Well yes you have been thinking of many things:

- no job
- multiple applications
- no response
- feeling inadequate to your family
- pressure from your family

Oh that is a lot of thoughts to be dealing with.

You swirl those thoughts around your head for a long time and hey yeah the intrusive thoughts will get dark and black.

Don't judge your future by looking at your past.

Don't look at your past = you're not going that way anymore.

Sure.

You have applied for jobs where you have been rejected.

This is going to happen.

Does this mean you will NEVER get a job in the future?

Oh intrusive thoughts will tell you you will never get a job in the future.

You are not your intrusive thoughts.

Don't listen to them.

Put your intrusive thoughts aside for the minute.

They cloud your thinking.

Intrusive Thoughts says: "There is nothing out there for me."

Hooligan says: "There is something out there for you. You will find it."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "I really want to just disappear right now."

Hooligan says: "I need you to stay here so you can start thinking forward; clearly; without intrusive thoughts blocking your vision".

Intrustive Thoughts says: "I'm alive just to make other people happy because I am really miserable".

Hooligan says: "There are people who love you. Your intrusive thoughts are telling you otherwise."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "Don't be a coward and jump off a roof."

Hooligan says: "Here is the ladder. Now climb off the roof."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "I do not have courage."

Hooligan says: "It is okay to be scared sometimes."

Intrusive Thoughts says: "I want it to end".

Hooligan says: "Your star will only shine in the darkness. Please wait."

Hang in there.

I am glad you posted.

WOW thank you thank you thank you!! I am so grateful for your response to my post it just brightened my day. I feel so happy right now because you, someone who I don't know, took the time to write all these things for me to make me feel better. I'm so thankful. Whenever this happens again I will look back at this post, this is all I needed.

[wassupiig]

Thank you so much for writing to me. I don't know what I would do without people like you. This really helped to make me feel better, those feelings from last night are gone because of the reaponses I got. And to answer your question I am not seeing a psychiatrist. I used to have one but it didn't help at all so I basically fought depression on my own.

[Louemz]

I'm glad you're feeling better, and I hope these feelings continue for you x