[copingwithlife]

This is my first time here. I've never done this and I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with anyone other than my boyfriend who I think is going to dump me again.

I've had a terrible last two years. I was laid off of work and dumped by my boyfriend in the same week. I was losing my apartment and I completely shut down. I cried for weeks on end. My eyes were so swollen from the tears. I didn't get out of bed. I then made a decision to leave town and I was sad still. Then, I had a lot of new experiences and was happy. Even got back together with my boyfriend.

But then I went back home and suddenly I was in a rut again. I was in an awkward living situation and had a hard time finding decent work. Now, one year later, I've left town again and just have this feeling of inferiority and inadequacy compared to my boyfriend. I am the loser girlfriend. I am ashamed of myself. I feel so awkward to be with him and his friends because they are all so successful and I'm the idiot who doesn't have a decent work or home life. I'm finding it harder to control my emotions. I'm scared to death he's going to leave me again. I love him, but I just lost faith in myself and I feel so low. I know I've driven him to his boiling point with my stupid emotions, fears, and crying. I know I'm just a thing everyone wants to stay clear of. I just know he's going to leave me again. If I don't want to be me, why would anyone want to be with me?

So now no job (but am looking), soon no boyfriend, and still in this limbo of a living situation. I feel completely hopeless and unmotivated by life. I cry all the time. All the time, for the better part of the year. My emotions are not stable, I'm up and down and mostly down. And I feel like an awful person who doesn't deserve friends or anything. Maybe I deserve to feel like this?

Is there any hope? How can I move on? I'm really hating life right now.

[Crazy Hitch]

(((copingwithlife)))

I am glad that you have posted here.

It is a positive step forward.

Yes, I can understand the challenges of discussing things with people in real life.

Hence why the forums are a fantastic means of discussing how we feel.

Others relate to our feelings and are able to offer advice and input.

You've been through a lot over the last two years.

Your circumstances that life threw you would most certainly have contributed towards your mood state I am sure.

You have a lot of depression talk still going on.

Your depression speaks: "I am ashamed of myself".

Depression says: "I feel akward".

Depression talk: "I feel inferior and akward".

Yes, this is negative thinking.

It is not nice to think this way.

YES THERE IS HOPE!

(I am answering your question).

I don't know whether or not earlier on in your first post you may have alluded to seeing a medical professional in order to discuss these feelings?

But I'd suggest that as a starting point.

Secondly, you have only just joined Psych Central.

This is your second post.

Keep posting.

It helps to talk to others.

Yes, I can imagine that they may be strain right now with your inter personal relationship with your boyfriend.

It can be a challenge looking after our own mental health when we are depressed yet alone attending to the needs of our significant other.

Yes, you are hating life right now.

You are depressed.

But you need to work on some strategies.

You can be helped through this.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

It's impossible for me to believe that you're not good at something at all. Everybody has something or a subject that they can perform exceptionally well in it, you are probably just ignoring it or probably feel that it's just nonsense and that everybody could do it. If you can find that thing, please just keep up with it and really explore your talent in it, and you'll experience a great deal of hope, and your mind will not be focused on depression and neglecting yourself during the process.

My entire life, I never thought that a certain field I'm interested in (I'm not going to say what it is), would be my thing. I keep bringing a lot to the table for that, and I have so much hope now, knowing that I'm the only one in the family who has that much information regarding that subject. When did I discover the ability of understanding it? Two months ago. And I can already tell that nobody in my family can beat me. You will find the thing that will interest you the most, it's just a matter of time and the effort you put.

Don't let you're low self-esteem overshadows the great qualities you have. You already gave us something absolutely great about you. You are a hard worker, a person seeking for mutual love, someone who wants to make things right, and welling to fix what seems impossible to fix. That is absolutely special, no need to sell yourself short, and things, no matter how hard they are, WILL get better. I've been through a lot, and reached the breaking point a lot, but things are now better simply because I for one believe they are, and I discovered good qualities that I was neglecting the whole time.

You can do it!

[copingwithlife]

Thanks everyone. I do want to feel better one day. It's hard to even get out of bed most days and when I do, I feel like I'm floating and nothing matters around. It's like I'm a ghost or invisible.

I appreciate the words of encouragement.

[sadmachine]

I feel much the same, though our circumstances differ: inadequate, inferior, ashamed, like an idiot, and most of all like I deserve to feel this way.

Last month I went out with a friend to a nice little sushi restaurant. It was the first time I'd been out anywhere in months. I didn't know what kind of sushi to get or even how to eat sushi like a civilized person, so I ordered beef soba instead. I was then faced with the task of trying to eat noodles with chopsticks, which I can barely operate. I spent a miserable half hour there, barely being able to eat any of the meal I couldn't really afford, aggravating my carpal tunnel in the process and wanting to cry because I was certain all the employees were talking in Japanese about the fat dummy who can't use chopsticks.

All that to say: I don't have any answers, but I'm with you. I hope you find hope. I hope you find a way to move on.

There is hope, i promise you. I was also at rock bottom only 3 months ago, and with the right meds, my mood lifted and today i am in such a better place. Please don't give up. Whatever horrible things you're battling with right now, they are only temporary and they will end.