pointless

my life is just pointless... I feel like I've lost the best years of life already, and there's still no improvement.. still so many problems with my life, still home bound due to big agoraphobia.. I have feelings like something is pushing me to kill myself, feeling sleepy, my stomach is aching.. wonder if I could unconsciously take something or if it's just my crazy imagination..

Are you seeing a therapist/on meds?

Im sorry youre having such a horrendous time, please please hang in there and stay safe. Your life is very precious and you are worth recovery. I'm always here if you want to PM me.

thanks 8888an8888, no, I don't have therapist, looking for one for so long and still can't find any on insurance.. and can't afford private.. meds for anxiety/panic disorder made my life only into bigger hell, suicidal and intrusive thoughts came with them.. so I don't trust meds.. and my stomach hurts a lot after any kind of meds...
I wanted to go to gp tomorrow, but my friend who supposed to pick me up there can't do this, and I'm not able to go alone.. hah even with someone I'm freaking out, my mind is sure if I go I will have full blown panic attack because I haven't had heavy attacks for a while.. is there really any recovery possible? I'm loosing any hopes for it, when I can't even recover from a cold/flu...

another totally depressed day.. to make things worse my friend has suicidal thoughts and came back to cutting his arms.. no idea how to help him, I can't even help myself...

What is agoraphobia?

Wish you were feeling better...hope you can find a good therapist as you said meds were no good for you....hang in there...I had the flu Christmas day.....now feeling like crap with lousy cold....seems like always something...take care...Artie

thanks Artie.. if at least I could be able to go ask about therapy face to face.. but damn agoraphobia is keeping me at home all the time.. good that I have a dog, the only good company.. yup always something, always.. I went to doc yesterday and didn't have attack so it's a tiny success, but again I'm not able to go to pharmacy to buy meds.. and today I argued with my friend, well seems like she's not my friend anymore, seems like she showed her true colors... which makes me feel like piece of trash thrown away...
take care too, drink hot tea for cold...

hey komet, as wikipedia says 'Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where the sufferer perceives certain environments as dangerous or uncomfortable, often due to the environment's vast openness or crowdedness. These situations include wide-open spaces, as well as uncontrollable social situations such as the possibility of being met in shopping malls, airports and on bridges. Agoraphobia is defined within the DSM-IV TR as a subset of panic disorder, involving the fear of incurring a panic attack in those environments.[1] In the DSM-5, however, agoraphobia is classified as being separate from panic disorder.[2] The sufferer may go to great lengths to avoid those situations, in severe cases becoming unable to leave their home or safe haven.'

my first problem were sudden panic attacks for no reason, I started to avoid places in which I had attack such as one shop, bus, art history lessons.. more and more places where I had attacks, more panic, anxiety, depression, and I ended up practically being home bound, going even to the closest grocery store triggers my panic attack... living like this isn't really living..

no point in making new thread so well.. I asked my friend to come here today because I feel lonely and anxious, my heart hurts today a lot so I'm scared of being alone.. but at the same time I feel like I don't want her to come here.. how it is even possible to feel need of company and need of loneliness at the same time? besides I'm just existing, I feel totally no purpose in life, I have nothing to do, can't force myself to do anything...