[Sirensong18]

Life is so unpredictable sometimes. Monday was a beautiful day, but a sad day. I took the day off work so that I could take advantage of the warm weather to get a jump start on my garden. (I have a garden at our grandparent’s house because my apt does not have land I can use.) I got some raking done, arranged a layout for the big garden, moved lots of old tires down to the garden to serve as planters, plus laid out a fence and made plans for some small decorative gardens up by the house. We also helped grandpa take down and process up a 60 yr old Oak tree for firewood. (It was standing dead.) We got quite the workout chopping up the wood and hauling it back. It was a pretty good day, and we even stayed for dinner.

The grandparent’s dog (a 12 year old sweetheart) has been on the decline for the last two years, and sadly he passed away shortly after dinner. In retrospect, it was quite fast and he didn’t seem to suffer, so that’s good. He had all his family around him, petting him and telling him how much they loved him. Few people get such a nice end. But still, it was very sad and a bit of a harsh reminder of the life cycle of everything on Earth - a reminder that everything must eventually end.

Hubby helped to dig a hole in the yard, and we buried the dog just before the sun set. I’m planning to get a nice tree (maybe a cherry fruit tree or a maple) to mark his spot. I feel so sad for our grandparents and their loss. They’ve been married 51 years, so having this dog for the last 12 years is still a substantial chunk of their lives together. It made me remember how sad I was when we had to put my cat down when she got old and sick. I still miss her terribly – she was my baby. I’d had her since I was 5 years old, till I was 20. It’s a hard loss to lose a beloved pet, and there is nothing you can really say or do to make it hurt any less for the grieving person.

Tuesday and Wednesday we didn’t do much of anything, as hubby and I were quite sore from the workout we’d gotten on Monday. Who knew processing up a tree could be such hard work? And then digging the hole for the grave was tough, because more than a foot down the ground was still frozen.

Today we were planning on shopping at the local hardware store / garden center to get plywood to make a seed starter light box, and also get garden paver stones or plastic edgers to hold in good dirt for the plants. Unfortunately, even after installing a new starter and clutch, the ‘check engine light’ kept blinking on and off, so we didn’t really trust the truck to make a trip (or carry any heavy loads.) So today was spent with hubby trying to fix the truck, and me basically napping on the couch, because there was nothing else I could do. I wish I had just stayed home so I could have at least done some chores. Keeping up with the house is getting away from me again – I need to vacuum, and laundry is piling up. I also want/need to do some spring cleaning and simply get rid of stuff we no longer use. I’m trying to sell things if I can, otherwise I just donate to st.vinnies.

It does make me feel good to get rid of the clutter when I donate stuff we no longer use. I read an interesting article in Time magazine today about consumption, and how the drive to acquire more and more stuff is hurting us as a society and a culture.

The depression makes it hard to get started though… even when I have days off work, I usually spend them vegging on the couch or watching movies with hubby, rather than doing productive things around the house. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of motivation or what the problem actually is. I just feel like nothing ever gets done. Even on days when I do get things done (wash dishes, take out trash, etc) it never feels like enough, I always feel like there is so much more yet to do and I’ve barely made a dent. Even though I know it's illogical, I can never feel proud of myself for any progress I make, no matter how insignificant or substantial it really is.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself that if I want things to get done, I just have to do them myself. No one is going to swoop in and make my life all sunshine and sparkles, doing all the work for me – I just have to keep working one step at a time towards achieving my goals. Easier said than done, but I am making an effort.

Today is being a harder day – I feel like we wasted all morning/early afternoon futzing with the truck, and I got nothing productive done. I barely had time to eat lunch before I had to come into work for the evening. I think hubby can tell when I’m feeling down or depressed because he keeps asking me if I’m okay, if anything is wrong, and if there is anything he can do. At least he cares! But I never know what to tell him. Usually I just pretend to be happy so he won’t worry. But I hate lying to him. But I also hate telling him how I feel, then watching his mood sour since there is no way for him to “fix” how I’m feeling, so he just gets all frustrated. Just no way to win sometimes.

Another reason I’m down is that it was the 3 yr anniversary of my mom’s death just a few days ago. Her 64th birthday would have been this month too. All I can really do now is use her life (and many failures) as inspiration to do better for myself.

[CANDC]

Thank you Siren song for sharing your story. It is like my own story of loss and renewal and life passing me by while I try to catch up on sleep.

You are an inspiration to me how you are coping with things. I never get ahead of all the chores but my mom told me to find time to stop and smell the roses. Well pretty soon the flowers will start poking through the warming earth. The spring time will hopefully fill our hearts too.

In the meantime, we just make a lot of lemonade as gramma said to do when life hands you lemons.