[am1994]

Firstly, I want to apologise for my anonymity here at the forum, for posting something so personal so soon after joining, and for any triggers that may appear throughout my post.

I need some support, but I don’t know what kind. A number of websites have advised posting anonymously on forums in bad times, and this is what I’m resorting to. I’m certainly in no place to talk to another person on the phone, and it’s fairly late in the UK at the moment.

I’ll try to keep the background short.

I was, up until November last year, a high-functioning and, (now that I look back on it) fairly successful undergraduate student, taking part in a number of activities beyond my studies, holding down a job, enjoying a relationship, pursuing hobbies that I loved. I was enjoying life and grabbing all I could. In November, I woke up one morning and just couldn’t carry on - other people have given it labels - personal collapse, mental breakdown, emotional burnout and so on - but I don’t really know.

Since then I’ve developed depression that has gradually increased in severity. From that morning in November, I stopped doing everything that I was previously enjoying doing so much. This has meant that groups, activities and projects that I was leading and taking part in have pretty much collapsed since. Maybe it’s not so bad, maybe I’ve got a god-complex going on, but most of them have completely halted.

I’ve sought support from my doctor, the university support services, my family etc.

I persevered with my studies in the year, and was granted a reshuffle i.e. I would take my final year in two halves. As this semester has worn on, even this diluted arrangement has proven too much. I’m now suspending my studies for a year, and leaving university for twelve months.

I used to enjoy taking on a lot of stuff, and conversely found that the more I took on the more successful I was (funny isn’t it). Now that I can’t do things any more, the problem only eats at itself, because I’m not able to take on things that would previously have made me feel good.

My girlfriend also had mental health difficulties, which I was able to support until January, when I had to walk away and leave her when things got really bad for her, because I was simply unable to care for her without endangering my own mental health. At the time, I was convinced that I would probably not see her again because of the state she was in. In the months after, I punished myself for doing what I viewed as a disgusting and unforgivable thing.

My girlfriend and I are now in a state of being “back the way we were”, but this is unsustainable. From where I’m standing, it’s a “can’t live with, can’t live without” situation. We tried being apart, and that didn’t work (I couldn’t live with myself). We’re now as we are, but this isn’t working because I consistently punish myself for not being able to help, support or ‘be there’ for her - in my eyes, what any decent person should. I panic when I know she’s in a bad situation, because I can’t bring myself to help, and because I know what she could do to herself.

Around a month ago, I turned to

Possible trigger:

self-injury and alcohol to cope, which eventually turned into drugs (nothing too heavy, small amounts of painkillers mainly). Things got bad about ten days ago, where I was planning suicide.

My coping mechanisms were no longer working, I realised how much I’d lost, how I hate the things that I used to enjoy and love so much, and felt so trapped and strangled by my situation. I saw an emergency GP, changed medication and was referred to local emergency mental health support services. Things improved over the following days but I’ve now declined back to where I was.

Things I was doing to distract myself (inane things, like sorting through old family pictures, archiving receipts and my finances, selling unwanted junk on ebay) are now boring again. Coping mechanisms aren’t helping,

Possible trigger:

self-injury

no longer hurts and doesn’t deliver the endorphins I need. My feelings of failure and loss are worse than ever and I really can’t see anything ahead that I can work towards, only more feeling trapped and inanity and emptiness.

I’ve tried to analyse it with what’s left of my rational mind. I might be looking for attention, I might be looking for forgiveness, I’m not sure. Until things got to where they are now, I was exploring causes for my ‘November incident’ with my family and the mental health support services. I don’t really know

They say writing things down helps, and writing and structuring this essay (sorry) has, to a degree, helped clarify things in my head, but I’m having trouble from stopping myself thinking about death and just wanting everything to stop. As dramatic as it sounds, I think what I’m looking for is for someone to tell me what to do next. Thank you for reading

[vital]

Originally Posted by am1994

Firstly, I want to apologise for my anonymity here at the forum, for posting something so personal so soon after joining, and for any triggers that may appear throughout my post.

I need some support, but I don’t know what kind. A number of websites have advised posting anonymously on forums in bad times, and this is what I’m resorting to. I’m certainly in no place to talk to another person on the phone, and it’s fairly late in the UK at the moment.

I’ll try to keep the background short.

I was, up until November last year, a high-functioning and, (now that I look back on it) fairly successful undergraduate student, taking part in a number of activities beyond my studies, holding down a job, enjoying a relationship, pursuing hobbies that I loved. I was enjoying life and grabbing all I could. In November, I woke up one morning and just couldn’t carry on - other people have given it labels - personal collapse, mental breakdown, emotional burnout and so on - but I don’t really know.

Since then I’ve developed depression that has gradually increased in severity. From that morning in November, I stopped doing everything that I was previously enjoying doing so much. This has meant that groups, activities and projects that I was leading and taking part in have pretty much collapsed since. Maybe it’s not so bad, maybe I’ve got a god-complex going on, but most of them have completely halted.

I’ve sought support from my doctor, the university support services, my family etc.

I persevered with my studies in the year, and was granted a reshuffle i.e. I would take my final year in two halves. As this semester has worn on, even this diluted arrangement has proven too much. I’m now suspending my studies for a year, and leaving university for twelve months.

I used to enjoy taking on a lot of stuff, and conversely found that the more I took on the more successful I was (funny isn’t it). Now that I can’t do things any more, the problem only eats at itself, because I’m not able to take on things that would previously have made me feel good.

My girlfriend also had mental health difficulties, which I was able to support until January, when I had to walk away and leave her when things got really bad for her, because I was simply unable to care for her without endangering my own mental health. At the time, I was convinced that I would probably not see her again because of the state she was in. In the months after, I punished myself for doing what I viewed as a disgusting and unforgivable thing.

My girlfriend and I are now in a state of being “back the way we were”, but this is unsustainable. From where I’m standing, it’s a “can’t live with, can’t live without” situation. We tried being apart, and that didn’t work (I couldn’t live with myself). We’re now as we are, but this isn’t working because I consistently punish myself for not being able to help, support or ‘be there’ for her - in my eyes, what any decent person should. I panic when I know she’s in a bad situation, because I can’t bring myself to help, and because I know what she could do to herself.

Around a month ago, I turned to

Possible trigger:

self-injury and alcohol to cope, which eventually turned into drugs (nothing too heavy, small amounts of painkillers mainly). Things got bad about ten days ago, where I was planning suicide.

My coping mechanisms were no longer working, I realised how much I’d lost, how I hate the things that I used to enjoy and love so much, and felt so trapped and strangled by my situation. I saw an emergency GP, changed medication and was referred to local emergency mental health support services. Things improved over the following days but I’ve now declined back to where I was.

Things I was doing to distract myself (inane things, like sorting through old family pictures, archiving receipts and my finances, selling unwanted junk on ebay) are now boring again. Coping mechanisms aren’t helping,

Possible trigger:

self-injury

no longer hurts and doesn’t deliver the endorphins I need. My feelings of failure and loss are worse than ever and I really can’t see anything ahead that I can work towards, only more feeling trapped and inanity and emptiness.

I’ve tried to analyse it with what’s left of my rational mind. I might be looking for attention, I might be looking for forgiveness, I’m not sure. Until things got to where they are now, I was exploring causes for my ‘November incident’ with my family and the mental health support services. I don’t really know

They say writing things down helps, and writing and structuring this essay (sorry) has, to a degree, helped clarify things in my head, but I’m having trouble from stopping myself thinking about death and just wanting everything to stop. As dramatic as it sounds, I think what I’m looking for is for someone to tell me what to do next. Thank you for reading

Hi, and you're welcome.

Even though it's in your head, don't forget that there are quite a few purely medical or nutritional issues that might be contributing. Here's my best overall advice

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital