Everybody Hates Me

I have never, ever in my life hurt anyone, not physically, not emotionally. I am always quite and minding my own business, which for some weird reason startles the people around me with distaste. They are hateful, because what they do is nothing at all relatable to what a loving person does to other people.

Back in my school days, other kids had this nerdy image of me, an image that gets them to feel an urge or the need to hurt me, and that's not because they're jealous, as far as they are concerned they don't want to be like me. So what do they do? They say the most annoying, irritating thing they can think of, and because they're aware of my shyness, they embarrass me in front of everybody. I remember once getting out of control, to the point that I hit one of the bullies as hard as I could for him to leave me alone. Surprisingly, and effectively, it worked, but I hate fights and intense engagements, not until it is necessary to do so. Even sometimes when we have free sessions, I sleep on my desk, and a certain bully one day came and woke me up for no reason, and I thought "that does it", and gave him a response in anger, which unfortunately stimulated him and made him keep coming at me in the future.

Nowadays, everybody wants to enforce his/her idea or shoehorn it in my brain for me to blindly accept and agree, or just be fascinated by it at any rate, because that's what he/she is expecting to get from me. If I, God forbid, disagree, then he/she has a life mission to accomplish, which is to get revenge in the most painful way they can think of, and I for one am astonished by the creative "avenging" ideas they come up with, it's like preparing to commit the perfect crime, the execution is a bit poor, though. I, thankfully, don't do that to other people, so why does this happen to me in return to my efforts in respecting other peoples' brains? No idea. Wait, I actually do have an idea as to why this happens, and there's only one answer. I am weak, and vulnerable, and that shines through my speech, behavior, and facial expressions, which accompanied me during the entire two decades I spent on Earth.

Can I for once just cry, Mrs. Life?

I'm sorry you've had such horrible experiences. It's a cruel thing to feel hated. I don't hate you at all.

I have nothing but love and respect for you all, good people of Psych Central! My experiences are definitely not as harsh as those who are starving, or the abused ones, but to me and my perspective, cruelty had a presence in my life.

Hi Renouned, I'm sorry that you've had to go/are going through so much, but I would say that the reason is about them, not about you.
It doesn't matter how quiet, underspoken, less extroverted etc someone is..........that doesn't give anyone the right or "justification" to bully them. There is no "justification" for bullying!!!
Now maybe there are some issues re: the bullying in the past you need to work through with your T, but for the here and now.........the people who are treating you this way now...........is there any chance you could distance yourself from them/cut some of them from your life?? And if it's going on in college, is there someone you could talk to who could address it.........tutor/college counselor???? It is the college's responsibility to address bullying!!
But if you want to talk about the circumstances a bit more...............
And just remember there are certainly people on here who value you.

Alison

I did cut a lot of people from my life, but no one wants me for me, so that somehow made me more lonely, but at least from leaving out fake people. I got bullied at college when I was new there and felt so innocent for people that I was a fresh target. I don't get bullied now because I put a brave face on and dress degrees beneath regularly, and give less care about my appearance, and that includes my hair, definitely my cloths, and I wear detective Conan's glasses, LITERALLY. That probably made me weird and disgusting to them more than being a victim to feast on, and I am now in relief for looking so angry, but I'm not proud of that.

Hi Renounced, GOOD the bullying has stopped at college!!!!
Just......how much of the "new look" is you/about who you are??? Absolutely fine/great if it reflects your individuality!!! You shouldn't need to try to dress/look a particular way just to try to "fit in", being who you are and finding people to respect you for that is much more important!!! Just as long as the change is for you.
And I'd say that the bullies most likely moved on because you put on a brave face.......didn't give them much of a reaction (not because they thought of you as weird/disgusting!!!).
And you know putting on a brave face.........that shows you had so much strength...........there would be PLENTY of people in your situation who completely understandably couldn't do that, however much they wanted to/tried. So good on you, perhaps that's a strength you could use in working through the effects of some of the bullying?? Because however much of a brave face you put on it still leaves effects, doesn't it??
And having less people in your life after cutting some people out........well even just having/finding one, two.......close friends is so much better than twenty, thirty people in your life who don't really care that much about you. Less people can sometimes be much better.
But if you haven't even got those close friend/s yet..........well there's still time, now you're working a bit on your self-esteem/confidence. Once people start seeing/knowing you a little more...........then there can be some who are going to be able to start really valuing you.

Alison

I'm sorry for what happened to you. People have no right to treat you like that.

Thank you!

Well, to them it's the other way around. They believe I'm an outcast or an alien, and that somehow gives them the right to go full obtrusion mode.