[oracat]

I've been trying to get in better shape physically and I'm failing.

I started “running” last year and did my first 5K. I did awful for my age group. But I’ve been slow to start back up last year. My running skills sucked, I can't get under a 12 minute mile.

I paddle dragon boats and I need upper body strength according to my coach. A few weeks ago I found this neat Crossfit gym. I'd done Crossfit a few times last year but always quit because I'm either the worst in the class, or it's too expensive or too far away. But this new gym is closer and has a reasonable cost. i decided to give Crossfit another shot.

So this morning I went to their on-ramp beginners’ class, for the first time. The instructor was nice and gave us actual personal attention. We didn’t do a timed workout and instead there was a lot of focus on instruction.

I did horribly. Hands-down. I struggled with the most fundamental, basic things that should have been easy. I couldn't remember how to hold the barbell properly after repeated instructions. I could barely lift the barbell without weights. And no matter how much the poor instructor AND other beginners in the class tried to explain it to me, I couldn’t figure out how to get in the right form to do a deadlift. I kept arching/curving my back, and my scoliosis doesn’t help (the instructor pointed out how my back was uneven). The instructor said to take a break and watch everyone else. That is, I was watching other beginners (that's the entire class minus me, the loser) who had mastered the movement the FIRST time around. The entire class was looking at me. I’m sure they were all pitying me and wondering how someone could be such an idiot. It was all I could do not to cry. The instructor told me to use a training barbell and go off to the corner and do a modified version of a deadlift. He said that the problem is that my legs are long but my torso is short. I don’t even have the right kind of body for Crossfit. My body sucks. Scoliosis, hearing loss, weird proportions. I suck, period.

No one else but me needed modifications and extra instruction. We were all beginners in this class!

Everyone else picked up everything quickly. Most of them had never done Crossfit before, yet you'd think they were experienced, since they did so well on their very first class. All the other women had no problem lifting the barbell with weights. They were able to master the deadlift form after hearing the instructions only once. So what is my problem? Why do I struggle with things that are so easy for everyone else? I mean this was a basic class for beginners moving at a super slow pace, and I performed like an imbecile. I felt like an oaf. It’s harder for me to pick up basic things that everyone else gets immediately. I don't know what else I can do fitness wise to improve my strength other than just buy a set of weights at home and do YouTube videos. What I really want to do is just forget it. Who needs fitness anyway? Clearly I am not cut out for Crossfit and I'm no good. Yoga and pilates were things I've tried but due to a hearing loss, I can't do them, since I can never hear the instructors. So I'm useless. I have never felt so embarrassed and ashamed in my life. What would possess me to even think I could do this stuff? I am worthless, below the bottom of the barrel when it comes to human beings. Worse than scum.

[H3rmit]

So you, like me, suck at anything athletic. There's no need to bash yourself, though. That doesn't help. I saw an interesting comment somewhere about a fish and an eagle both being told by their doctors to exercise. What to do? The fish said, "Swim, I suppose," and you can imagine what the eagle said. Point being, it's often hard to find something to suit you. Deadlifts aren't for everyone, particularly if you have a scoliosis. Maybe you'd like swimming? I do, despite lousy technique - I just do a backstroke of some sort. I hate putting my face in the water. Over 1.5 years, I've gotten from 3 minutes for 50m down to 2 minutes. Still considered slow, but very intense for me. Good enough. Shake hands with another non-athlete. It's okay! And I despise exercise classes. I can't even follow an exercise video on my own speed, so I wouldn't bother trying any sort of class.

Originally Posted by oracat

I've been trying to get in better shape physically and I'm failing.

I started “running” last year and did my first 5K. I did awful for my age group. But I’ve been slow to start back up last year. My running skills sucked, I can't get under a 12 minute mile.

I paddle dragon boats and I need upper body strength according to my coach. A few weeks ago I found this neat Crossfit gym. I'd done Crossfit a few times last year but always quit because I'm either the worst in the class, or it's too expensive or too far away. But this new gym is closer and has a reasonable cost. i decided to give Crossfit another shot.

So this morning I went to their on-ramp beginners’ class, for the first time. The instructor was nice and gave us actual personal attention. We didn’t do a timed workout and instead there was a lot of focus on instruction.

I did horribly. Hands-down. I struggled with the most fundamental, basic things that should have been easy. I couldn't remember how to hold the barbell properly after repeated instructions. I could barely lift the barbell without weights. And no matter how much the poor instructor AND other beginners in the class tried to explain it to me, I couldn’t figure out how to get in the right form to do a deadlift. I kept arching/curving my back, and my scoliosis doesn’t help (the instructor pointed out how my back was uneven). The instructor said to take a break and watch everyone else. That is, I was watching other beginners (that's the entire class minus me, the loser) who had mastered the movement the FIRST time around. The entire class was looking at me. I’m sure they were all pitying me and wondering how someone could be such an idiot. It was all I could do not to cry. The instructor told me to use a training barbell and go off to the corner and do a modified version of a deadlift. He said that the problem is that my legs are long but my torso is short. I don’t even have the right kind of body for Crossfit. My body sucks. Scoliosis, hearing loss, weird proportions. I suck, period.

No one else but me needed modifications and extra instruction. We were all beginners in this class!

Everyone else picked up everything quickly. Most of them had never done Crossfit before, yet you'd think they were experienced, since they did so well on their very first class. All the other women had no problem lifting the barbell with weights. They were able to master the deadlift form after hearing the instructions only once. So what is my problem? Why do I struggle with things that are so easy for everyone else? I mean this was a basic class for beginners moving at a super slow pace, and I performed like an imbecile. I felt like an oaf. It’s harder for me to pick up basic things that everyone else gets immediately. I don't know what else I can do fitness wise to improve my strength other than just buy a set of weights at home and do YouTube videos. What I really want to do is just forget it. Who needs fitness anyway? Clearly I am not cut out for Crossfit and I'm no good. Yoga and pilates were things I've tried but due to a hearing loss, I can't do them, since I can never hear the instructors. So I'm useless. I have never felt so embarrassed and ashamed in my life. What would possess me to even think I could do this stuff? I am worthless, below the bottom of the barrel when it comes to human beings. Worse than scum.

Wow, this sounds like me with life in general, especially things like friendships and girls. I suck period. I would probably be the same in a gym or an exercise class too, so that's why I haven't ever gone to one in my life.

[oracat]

Hugs to you both. Glad you understand. So sorry StbGuy that you feel similarly. It's a horrible feeling to have. I just am having a hard time liking myself. I have lost patience. I am terrible at swimming. I also suck at dating, friendships and boys. And now I suck at fitness. If I could see myself in person I would give myself a good shove against the wall, yank my ugly nappy hair out and stomp on my ugly face. I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH. I AM SCUM. I am a mistake which should have never been born. I have rotted inside and out. Since I'm rotten there is no way to unrot.

(((((((((oracat))))))))))))))))

you are not scum and you are not a mistake. your life is precious and just because you find it hard to do some things doesn't mean you're a terrible human - it just means you find some things hard. that's all. there will still be good things about you.

i find that hating myself is a waste of time. in the end, you can either make yourself miserable by beating yourself up or you can learn to like yourself. telling yourself that you ARE worth it and you DO matter boosts confidence - the way i think of it, self hate is unsustainable. because you will never get anywhere with it, you will never be able to improve. it's much more worth your while to be patient with yourself, pick out things you ARE good at and work on improving your self esteem.

[FennecFoxThomas]

Goodness the self hatred in this thread...

All of you have worth. You all have strengths. And like everyone, you also have weaknesses. I understand your feelings and they must be incredibly difficult but what is the reward for bashing yourself?

No one in here is scum, no one in here is a mistake. I see a lot of anxiety and self hatred, which both can be treated and you can move on from these false ideas that you're less than you actually are.

[Symbolic]

You discovered that you aren't a natural, and that's fine. The important thing is you learned where you need improvement: form & technique. So practice. Do it at home alone in front of a mirror if you need to, but the more you do it, the more natural the movements will become, and the less awkward you'll feel doing them. It might take a few tries, but once you have the technique & form down, you'll be fine. Don't judge how you're doing, just work on it, and you'll get it with a bit of time and patience.

[Fuzzybear]

[oracat]

That's the problem. It's NOT ok or fine to me that I'm not a natural at this. EVERYONE else in the class picked up the basic techniques on their FIRST try, so why can't I???????? Why do I need time and patience while everyone else is a natural and could do it without any struggles or problems???

All my life I have been told by society that I'm not good enough or worthy. I thought I was making progress at therapy and I was for a time, but after that Crossfit experience I have given up. I'm tired of pretending to myself that I'm fine and worthwhile and using all these mental tricks that we know are just jokes. Let's face it. As a 32 year old virgin, single black woman who has scoliosis, hearing aids, glasses, introverted personality, warped/odd body shape (big hips, flat chest, uneven back due to scoliosis), short nappy hair and a butt ugly face with acne scars and a complexion that's not smooth, I'm at the bottom rung of society. I don't sound attractive when I describe myself in an honest way like I did just now. I'm tired of pretending that I'm pretty or pretending that I'm worthy, etc. When's the last time a mainstream hollywood movie came out with a black woman as romantic lead? NEVER. Who gives a **** when black girls go missing? NO ONE. Men don't want me, my mom even implied that. She said that if I were white I'd have a man by now. My brother and cousin said looks matter the most to men and they think women should have long hair and more traditional beauty, like all other women do except black women. Neither of them date black women. Our other cousin has light skin and they both say she has good looks. That is why I suck, that is why I am tired of playing mind games to pretend that I am worth something when everyone including me knows I'm not. Society you have won. I'm OUT. Done. I am scrap paper that can be discarded. Someone has to be scrap paper and that is me.

Believe me I have tried positive thinking and self love. It was working at one point but it's all a farce. I'm tired of playing that farce. I was trying to think of things I'm good at and there is absolutely nothing. I am good at nothing. Mediocre at best, but not good at anything. Well I am good at procrastinating and good at being a loser. Too bad you can't get paid for that.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by oracat

All my life I have been told by society that I'm not good enough or worthy. I thought I was making progress at therapy and I was for a time, but after that Crossfit experience I have given up. I'm tired of pretending to myself that I'm fine and worthwhile and using all these mental tricks that we know are just jokes. Let's face it. As a 32 year old virgin, single black woman who has scoliosis, hearing aids, glasses, introverted personality, warped/odd body shape (big hips, flat chest, uneven back due to scoliosis), short nappy hair and a butt ugly face with acne scars and a complexion that's not smooth, I'm at the bottom rung of society. I don't sound attractive when I describe myself in an honest way like I did just now. I'm tired of pretending that I'm pretty or pretending that I'm worthy, etc.

. . .

Men don't want me, my mom even implied that. She said that if I were white I'd have a man by now. My brother and cousin said looks matter the most to men and they think women should have long hair and more traditional beauty, like all other women do except black women. Neither of them date black women. Our other cousin has light skin and they both say she has good looks.

. . .

Believe me I have tried positive thinking and self love. It was working at one point but it's all a farce. I'm tired of playing that farce. I was trying to think of things I'm good at and there is absolutely nothing. I am good at nothing. Mediocre at best, but not good at anything. Well I am good at procrastinating and good at being a loser. Too bad you can't get paid for that.

[And from the previous post]

If I could see myself in person I would give myself a good shove against the wall, yank my ugly nappy hair out and stomp on my ugly face. I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH. I AM SCUM. I am a mistake which should have never been born. I have rotted inside and out. Since I'm rotten there is no way to unrot.

When something rots, you can grow something new in it. That's compost.

Please, do you not value kindness? Sure, people have been mean to you, but there is no use to internalizing it and doing it to yourself. Your feelings are totally valid, and I even share some of them, like feeling me being born was essentially a mistake.

If you're going to reject society, as I did, then it won't matter that they think you are on the bottom. It matters what you think. Unfortunately, at the moment you agree with what you think they think.

How would you treat a child that had your characteristics? I hope you wouldn't be as nasty to them as you are to yourself. So, if you could be nice to a child, you could choose to treat yourself as that child.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad and your family treated you so badly and were even racist to you. I'd be extremely angry, too. It's also frustrating not being able to fit in. Story of my life, really. I can feel the frustration, even though I don't care about an exercise class, personally.

[Hexagram]

I think your attempts to get back in shape have been very impressive. It's not easy to suddenly start running 5Ks in your 30's, you paddle friggin' dragon boats, which sounds like no joke, and the words 'CrossFit on-ramp' are frankly terrifying, but you went and stuck it out. You should keep with the CrossFit, except instead of being so brutally critical of yourself, concentrate on cutting yourself slack, being kind to yourself and learning the techniques at your own pace. I'm sure that you'll advance quickly if you think positively of yourself rather than negatively. You're brave and have a lot to be proud of. I've never paddled a dragon boat.

[vital]

Originally Posted by oracat

Believe me I have tried positive thinking and self love. It was working at one point but it's all a farce. I'm tired of playing that farce. I was trying to think of things I'm good at and there is absolutely nothing. I am good at nothing. Mediocre at best, but not good at anything. Well I am good at procrastinating and good at being a loser. Too bad you can't get paid for that.

Haha. I think you might have a sense of humor at least. The extent to which only good-looking people count is just ridiculous. I made a post about this once

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...-insomnia.html

Your experience in the gym is probably just a stress spiral of the sort that used to happen to me all the time. People sometimes aren't aware of it, but if you feel bad that you can't do something, that causes stress and stress immediately makes you much worse at everything, causing more stress, etc.

It's a subtle thing, but it's really hard to escape suffering from other's opinions of you when you are depressed. If you can find your way out of depression, though, everything will get better. Right now, if I couldn't row a dragon boat or was the worst at that training you were doing, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Here's the stuff that worked for me and others:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

and what I think is the best oveall plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

When something rots, you can grow something new in it. That's compost.

Please, do you not value kindness? Sure, people have been mean to you, but there is no use to internalizing it and doing it to yourself. Your feelings are totally valid, and I even share some of them, like feeling me being born was essentially a mistake.

If you're going to reject society, as I did, then it won't matter that they think you are on the bottom. It matters what you think. Unfortunately, at the moment you agree with what you think they think.

How would you treat a child that had your characteristics? I hope you wouldn't be as nasty to them as you are to yourself. So, if you could be nice to a child, you could choose to treat yourself as that child.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad and your family treated you so badly and were even racist to you. I'd be extremely angry, too. It's also frustrating not being able to fit in. Story of my life, really. I can feel the frustration, even though I don't care about an exercise class, personally.

Originally Posted by oracat

Believe me I have tried positive thinking and self love. It was working at one point but it's all a farce. I'm tired of playing that farce. I was trying to think of things I'm good at and there is absolutely nothing. I am good at nothing. Mediocre at best, but not good at anything. Well I am good at procrastinating and good at being a loser. Too bad you can't get paid for that.

Never mind positive thinking, that's all rubbish in itself. Instead of saying "Damn, I'm not like everyone else" just say "Hey, I'm not like everyone else".

The reason you can't do these things is not because you can't do these things, it's because these methods just don't work for you. There are better means for you.

The reason you can't do the cross-fit is because the guy and his system are incapable of teaching someone as unique as you. They are trying to shove you in a barrel with all the other easy students, which doesn't say anything about you, it speaks volumes about their teaching ability and that they aren't as professional and all-encompassing as they profess to be.

You're not a bad student, he is an incapable teacher.

Don't get fooled. I had to suffer the same thing in my life. People will always place the blame on you when it is them who just don't know how to deal with you because their conventional approach has failed.

You want to do cross-fit, teach yourself, screw the instructor.

Four key things to consider:

1. You know what you know
2. You know what you don't know
3. You don't know all that you know, and lastly
4. You don't know what you still as yet don't know.

Number 4 is a vast open-end in itself. Think of an atom or the universe. You have the material and then constituting most of it - open space. And, the great thing is, nobody knows what happens in that open space until someone discovers a small portion of its behaviours, and then they still don't have the full picture. Number 4 is akin to the space found in-between galaxies, stars, etc. Combine numbers 1 and 2 and you end up with about 1% of your potential. Add number 3 to the mix and it goes up to about 10%. The other 90% is number 4.

Don't give up, you are so much bigger and more important than all these situations you currently face.

[ragsnfeathers]

The skills part sounds like me. I hated myself my whole life because I seemed to have normal intelligence but I kept being the only one to not pick up stuff in the same way you described. I also often couldn't recognize people I should know and spent lot of energy trying to hide that.

At around 40 I happened to pick up a book describing something called NVLD (nonverbal learning disabilities). It wasn't 100% me but enough of it was that my therapist arranged for me to get tested and it turned out I had big differences between my verbal and performance scores and some big differences within my performance scores. This accounted not only for my awfulness at learning and performing most any task that doesn't involve text, but even my deficits with unstructured conversations. From what you write it sounds like you have something like this, too.

Getting a diagnosis helped me a lot. I still have these problems but now I don't see them as me being a failure, or in my case, as me being lazy, but as a large set of discrete neurological differences which I can detach from in that I see they're obstacles not a big blob of unexplained failure.

So I highly recommend getting tested if possible, plus learning more about this and seeing how much it fits. But if a formal diagnosis is possible, it is so worth it, for the confirmation and, if you can find someone skilled at interpreting the results, for a clearer picture of your strengths and weaknesses.

Originally Posted by ragsnfeathers

The skills part sounds like me. I hated myself my whole life because I seemed to have normal intelligence but I kept being the only one to not pick up stuff in the same way you described. I also often couldn't recognize people I should know and spent lot of energy trying to hide that.

At around 40 I happened to pick up a book describing something called NVLD (nonverbal learning disabilities). It wasn't 100% me but enough of it was that my therapist arranged for me to get tested and it turned out I had big differences between my verbal and performance scores and some big differences within my performance scores. This accounted not only for my awfulness at learning and performing most any task that doesn't involve text, but even my deficits with unstructured conversations. From what you write it sounds like you have something like this, too.

Getting a diagnosis helped me a lot. I still have these problems but now I don't see them as me being a failure, or in my case, as me being lazy, but as a large set of discrete neurological differences which I can detach from in that I see they're obstacles not a big blob of unexplained failure.

So I highly recommend getting tested if possible, plus learning more about this and seeing how much it fits. But if a formal diagnosis is possible, it is so worth it, for the confirmation and, if you can find someone skilled at interpreting the results, for a clearer picture of your strengths and weaknesses.

This is exactly the kind of thing I meant with "you don't know what you don't know", point 4 above. Once finding out, now it has made a world of difference, and you don't see things as you did before (i.e. the big blob of failure).