[flameboy13]

Hi everyone , new to the forum. Just wanting some advice on how to change my circumstances. I have been depressed from my teenage years and have been battling for the last ten years. I have family history in my grandmother and mother has bouts of anxiety. I have always been full of life and energy a s child, did really well in school, never had to try really, top grades, was good looking and athletic (not trying to be arrogant sorry) until i began crippling depression, although at my young age i thought i was normal, until it really surfaced in future life events such as having to leave university.

The only thing that i can think has spurred this on, a traumatic life event ( i think this as i can't remember feeling bad before this trigger point or exhibiting these behaviours) was when i was in my mid teens when i cam home stoned one night, and my dad found out and went ballistic and beat me round the house (almost to the extent of physical abuse, I'm not sure) and my friends all fell out with me because i was the one that got caught out and i had always believed that my parents had told their parents after i was forced to tell them who i was with and what i was up to, I felt i let down many people and i guess i felt worthless. I had smoked cannabis a couple of times with friends in that summer and after this event it obviously stopped, which means that i wasn't a chronic user, more acute.

i then went through a serious bout of bulimia for years i guess in response to the emotional stress, purging then making myself sick and doing vigorous exercise to help myself feel better about myself and rid myself of the guilt. To cut a long story short i dropped out of uni when my symptoms got too much and i have now since graduated from another institute with a degree and am working but the feelings still persist and most days i struggle with occasional respite.

i have trialled meds for a couple of years and they made me feel like a zombie and the side effects were horrible, i dont believe in medication and i gave it a fair shot. i have been doing some personal development videos on youtube and have been trying meditation recently and found that it has made me feel a bit more normal in the last few days but then this morning for absolute no reason at all I've woke up just feeling like ****, my head feels foggy, irrational thoughts etc for no reason at all, like its like a switch has been flicked and i can't control it. Its not like a spiral series of negative thoughts i could control.

i have felt a lot more like me in the past a lot more grounded and normal and i just want them periods to last longer and the ****** feelings to be fewer and farther between. understandably my relationship with my dad is non existent i just about cope with him and speak to him when i have to, I'm always angry at my mother, and then i feel bad because i really like her and don't mean to lash out like i do, and my brother we never speak because we had a massive argument a few years back and i just can't stand to look t him anymore or hear him speak. sorry for the long winded post, any help appreciated.

[TheOriginalMe]

Welcome to psych central. You have come to a good place to find support and advice.
What happened between you and your Dad was wrong, it is understandable that you don't feel comfortable with him anymore. Do you have friends you can turn to instead of your family?

As you have not had much success with meds is therapy something you would consider?