I think I have ruined my life

I really think I have ruined my life. I'm 32, have a fairly low paying job and rent my own apartment. I'm physically out of shape. I have very little savings, only a tiny pension, and I have no friends, no family, and no human contacts. I've failed my degree and have abandoned any kind of life plan except to move far away somewhere else, which is all I've ever done.

All of this is fixable, on the condition that each problem is broken down. Except that I am not sure that I have enough desire to bother staying alive. This isn't a post about suicide and I have no plan whatsoever for that, but at the same time, I am unsure if or why I am even alive. I am so ashamed at my blithering incompetence and mismanagement at being a man. As such, I have stopped counting myself as one, and I seem to exist in some strange world where I have the most distant access to emotions. It all feels completely insane, I just wish I knew what I am supposed to want out of life.

I also have recurring nightmares, some of which are extremely disturbing, but to say the least they are very difficult to deal with. I will wake up sweating and shaking and it can take a while to go back to sleep.

My mental health is so shaky, and I really need to take better care of myself but I can't seem to see reason or hope. I feel so behind in everything in life that I can not see sense. What is the way out of this?

I completely understand how it feels to have seemingly failed at being a man. I am 63 but often feel like a frightened child. I remember when I turned 30 and felt so old. Now I realize how young I really was back then. You have much life ahead of you. You feel so behind, but behind what or who? Who are you comparing yourself to? There are steps you can take if you haven't already, like finding a good therapist and looking into the option of medications. Hang in there. You are in good company here.

Keep talking to us unzero, we will be your friends I think you're very responsible and you can't do everything at once Imo talking and exercise helps me the most. You have a job and place to live which is awesome as well. Could you do some walking before or after work just to clear your head? Would you be comfortable finding a therapist to talk to? The very first thing to do is get yourself stable. Remember why you matter.

If you're depressed then any assessment you make of your accomplishments, failures, prospects, etc. are going to be so negatively biased as to be not credible. In other words, you can't trust your own objective self-evaluation while in a depressed state. If your mental state were to improve due to therapy or an antidepressant prescribed by a psychiatrist or endorphins from exercise or some other change in circumstances, you might see your life in a whole different light that would encourage you to start or advance in a career, begin or renew personal relationships, find pleasure in a sport or hobby, or other positive outcomes. I don't believe in your depressed assessment of yourself, and neither should you.

Hi Unzero,

Here's my best advice:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

And see the notes attached to this post

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4369910-post130.html

It's very worth checking for medical/nutritional issues - there are a surprisingly large number that can cause you to feel depressed.

- vital

i had to give up on using societal norms as a measuring stick for myself to retain what's left of my sanity. as someone said above, when depressed your 'objective' view on yourself cannot be trusted. sure, you're not the CEO of a fortune 500 company. but you're also not sleeping in a dumpster or victimizing/abusing others. i think success can be a lot more broad than you might be imagining it. what's wrong with just surviving? who says you have to be some kind of intellectual and financial juggernaut in order to be a 'man' worthy of living? **** masculinity and beer commercials. don't fall for it. you're an individual. it's cool to cry. it's fine to drive a junker and live day to day/month to month/pay check to pay check.

i'm all alone in this world too but it's almost a badge of honor to me these days rather than a source of shame. there are people in this world who can't be alone for a day without losing their ****. to have a rich enough inner world and the fortitude and independence to survive without looking to others is a kind of strength, i think. try looking at the problems you perceive from different angles to thwart the black & white thinking nature of depression. there's good to be found in almost every single problem you listed.

I know. Or do I? I'll be alive. Is it remotely worth it?

Nobody.

No one.

I have run through a decade of doctors and counselors, and medications, and agree- there is nothing left to trust. This is a major part of the problem. If my thoughts and feelings are incorrect, then where are the correct thoughts? How can I generate the correct feelings to feel? What drug or exercise or attitude do I adopt to produce the correct feelings to feel, and the correct thoughts to think? Do I walk around with a question mark over my head this entire life, wondering when I am feeling the right feeling and when my thoughts are the right thoughts? When am I allowed to feel and have feelings?

At one point, I thought that simply being alive, working a dirt cheap job, and walking around, buying things to cook, and smoking a cigarette, was worthy enough of life. The intellectual and financial kings and crooks could live and die as far as I cared. Now I don't know. I am not living for anything. I drink to fill a void, and it's no use. Even that was miserable, and I was content to be miserable. Now I am paralyzed. Life is definitely not worth living. Maybe some kind of life is, but I can't find it. Just being given life is not an excuse to live. Was I supposed to be dead? I can't look at myself or accept myself, I can't be counseled, can't I just be put wherever it is I am supposed to go or to go and be told what to do? All I can think about is "What are my instructions?"