[soulmaverick]

I am currently in my first year of college and I feel so depressed. I go to a small liberal arts college in the northeast (but I am not from the northeast). It is an elite college (a top 50 college). I don’t have any friends and I am not friends with my roommate or anyone in my residence hall. The college I go to is a predominately white school and I am not white. My roommate even seems interested in only having white or Asian friends. My roommate keeps commenting on how she is so excited to live in a single next year. Now, I know that my roommate and I are not required to be friends, but I am just pointing out that it seems like she does not like me either. I have tried joining clubs and going to events but people ignore me; they do not seem to want to get to know me and I am a really nice person (people tell me that I am really nice). I have to admit that I am not really outgoing, but I do make an effort to try going to clubs on campus. I do not drink and I do not go out to parties (probably because I am afraid to since people seem to not like me). I remember that I went to a party and I was there by myself the whole time; people were not interested in getting to know others at the party. Additionally, some people say that I am quiet but I do not agree with them. I would not say that I am a huge talker or that I talk really loud, but I do not agree that I am quiet. My sister does not think I am quiet (maybe its because we have a lot of things in common with each other). I have tried my best to get out of my comfort zone to meet new people but it seems like almost everyone at my school does not like me. The college I go to is pretty small-around 2,000 students-and I feel like some people have been gossiping about me behind my back and that is why no one wants to be my friend. Whenever I leave campus, I feel so happy because I feel like I am out in the real world with mature individuals who are less judgmental. I feel like the students at my college act like immature high school students; yet I feel like I am left with mean-spirited, stuck-up, and rude students. I mean, my college has only undergraduate students so maybe that is why. I always expected to be surrounded by fun, non-judgmental, and open-minded people in college, but my expectations have been disillusioned. I feel like I am suffering from depression. Sometimes, I sleep all day and don’t go out because I am so sad and upset. The people around me all have friends and I always ask myself why I do not have friends. I always start blaming it on my looks; I start thinking that maybe people do not like me because they think I am ugly. I even asked my sister and she said no. I saw a therapist at my school and she even told me that I am a likeable person and that I should be able to make friends, at least eventually. I’m so sad because I do not have a social life. The only things that I do are my schoolwork and go online. I feel like I do not even have a life. I cry a lot when I am here in college. I only feel happy when I leave campus and go to the nearest biggest city; I feel like strangers are even nicer to me when I go to the city and I feel like that is how I gain some of my confidence and it helps my depression because it makes me feel like a world exists beyond my small college. I have told my parents about transferring but they just do not understand. They tell me that if I want to transfer, it has to be a better college than the college that I am currently attending. However, I do not care where I transfer to as long as I have a happy social life. I do not know what I should do? I feel like a really lost college student. Sorry for the really long post; I just feel like I need guidance because I feel like the therapist/psychologist did not do a good job in helping me.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Soulmaverick.

Even if depression were not part of the picture (I'm not saying it isn't), I strongly suspect you're suffering some serious culture shock. You left one world and entered another.

Having something of a social life might help you adjust, but what are the chances you'll be able to develop one in the next year at your college? Perhaps that question cannot be answered now.

Originally Posted by soulmaverick

Sometimes, I sleep all day and don’t go out because I am so sad and upset. ...The only things that I do are my schoolwork and go online.

Are the loneliness and depression hindering your studies?

I am sorry you are going through this experience soulmaverick.... First year of college was definitely a culture shock (the term Rohag mentioned above) for me. Soulmaverick, how was your high school experience like? Do you keep in contact online with old friends? Personally I keep in contact with most of my 'closest' friends online. Distance doesn't matter as much as the connection between people, in my opinion.

[vital]

Hi Soul,

Because of the way depression works, it is likely to flare up when major changes happen in your life, like going to college. It's one of those self-perpetuating things. If you get a little depressed, it's much harder to meet new people and make friends, just because people sense that something is wrong with you. Even if they sort of like you, it will make them uncomfortable. There are lots of things you can to about it, though. I think it really helps to understand how (I think) it really works:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

and here is what I think is the best overall plan. Notice there are lots of things that you can do for depression. Luck for you, most of them are great for your health anyway.

- vital

Originally Posted by vital

Hi Soul,

Because of the way depression works, it is likely to flare up when major changes happen in your life, like going to college. It's one of those self-perpetuating things. If you get a little depressed, it's much harder to meet new people and make friends, just because people sense that something is wrong with you. Even if they sort of like you, it will make them uncomfortable. There are lots of things you can to about it, though. I think it really helps to understand how (I think) it really works:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

and here is what I think is the best overall plan. Notice there are lots of things that you can do for depression. Luck for you, most of them are great for your health anyway.

- vital

vital, I took a look at the link you posted and I thought it was very well done. Thanks for posting it!

The end of this semester is coming soon. How about just concentrating on your school work and finals. Next year will bring new classes and new people into your life. Perhaps it just takes others more time to warm up to you. I'm sure that people do not have a bad opinion of you because after all, they don't even know you. What is not to like? Some people are attracted to the bad ones because they appear exciting but that usually doesn't last. Maybe you could try asking one of the girls out after class? Try to hang in there and see what next year will bring. It could all turn around for you.

[eeyorestail]

Soul, your experience with college sounds a lot like mine was. I had hoped to escape the clique-y attitudes of high school when I left and found that in some ways college is just as difficult to navigate socially. Depression (and it does sound like you may be depressed) made it worse.

Often in college it is a matter of finding the "right" people to be friends with--those who share your views or have compatible personalities. I honestly believe that even though you haven't found them yet, there are potential friends for you on campus. I realize you are at a small school, but you haven't met everyone yet. Make a real effort to attend every social function you can and to meet as many people as you can. I know this is hard when you are feeling bad. But trust me, there is at least one fellow student on campus that feels the way you do.

You say you are not white or Asian--are you black? Some of the whitest schools still have a Black Student Union or something similar. I think that while you should look for friends of all races, it might still be helpful to connect with other students of your race (whatever that may be) who may be having similar experiences. Unfortunately small, elite liberal arts schools in the U.S. are not well known for making minority students feel welcome and I think that can exacerbate an already trying life change.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[soulmaverick]

Originally Posted by krminnj

Soul, your experience with college sounds a lot like mine was. I had hoped to escape the clique-y attitudes of high school when I left and found that in some ways college is just as difficult to navigate socially. Depression (and it does sound like you may be depressed) made it worse.

Often in college it is a matter of finding the "right" people to be friends with--those who share your views or have compatible personalities. I honestly believe that even though you haven't found them yet, there are potential friends for you on campus. I realize you are at a small school, but you haven't met everyone yet. Make a real effort to attend every social function you can and to meet as many people as you can. I know this is hard when you are feeling bad. But trust me, there is at least one fellow student on campus that feels the way you do.

You say you are not white or Asian--are you black? Some of the whitest schools still have a Black Student Union or something similar. I think that while you should look for friends of all races, it might still be helpful to connect with other students of your race (whatever that may be) who may be having similar experiences. Unfortunately small, elite liberal arts schools in the U.S. are not well known for making minority students feel welcome and I think that can exacerbate an already trying life change.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thanks so much for all of your comments. I forgot to mention that this school is very much focused on Greek Life and I am not really interested in that. I will try to join some other groups and activities but I am really scared that people will continue to ignore or belittle me. Honestly, I feel like I really try to make friends, but I feel like I am getting nowhere. But I guess I cannot give up. Don't get me wrong, I do have acquaintances and a few people that I talk to, but the problem is that since the school is so small, their friends do not like me (for some reason). So instead of trying to be friends with those acquaintances, I keep my distance because of what I stated in the previous sentence.

[soulmaverick]

Originally Posted by NewLyfeForReal

vital, I took a look at the link you posted and I thought it was very well done. Thanks for posting it!

I second that, thanks for your post vital!

[Fuzzybear]